To understand how I got there, I have to go back a few years.

In 2013, I moved from Connecticut to North Carolina with two bags of clothes and a train ticket.

The world was mine, and I had something to prove.

I had been kicked out and banned from Liberty University when I was 20, during my sophomore year. My whole life felt like it had been put on hold.

Then I moved south and started over.

From 2015 to 2016, I worked as a business development representative for Samanage, a cloud-based ITSM and asset management startup in Cary, North Carolina.

In 2016, I became the highest achiever at the company and earned a $20,000 paycheck.

I was 25 years old. I had only completed part of a college degree. And I felt like I was on top of the world.

I had gone from getting kicked out of college to becoming a top-performing employee at a tech startup.

I thought I had finally proved myself.

Then I burned out.

After coming back from backpacking through Japan for two weeks at the beginning of 2017, I took some time away from my career as a business development representative.

That summer, I briefly worked at ListenLoop in New York, helping build their outbound sales process.

I lasted a week.

My medication ran out. I couldn’t sleep, and I was experiencing terrible suicidal thoughts that kept ruminating in my mind.

I felt ashamed. My mental illness had become symptomatic again, and I couldn’t control it.

Eventually, I found myself working at a call center at a distribution center in Wallingford.

Going from a top-performing business development representative in tech to working an hourly call center job felt like the lowest point of my year.

I don’t like labels. I’m Barnaby first. Then there’s the part of my life where I have to manage a chronic illness.

For years, I carried the shame of getting kicked out of school and later being laid off from Samanage. I turned those experiences into a story about who I was, and over time, I reduced myself to nothing.

In 2021, that shame and guilt contributed to a suicide attempt involving an overdose of lithium. I had become consumed by the feeling that I wasn’t living up to the person I was supposed to be.

I survived.

And slowly, I rebuilt my life.

No more shame. No more hiding.

I started embracing my ability to write and permitting myself to have a voice.

Today, I’m writing.

I started The Barnaby Times in 2024 because a few people encouraged me to believe that I had something worth saying.

I’ve written a memoir. I’m pursuing an English degree to sharpen my writing. And I’m learning to stop hiding the parts of my story that once made me ashamed.

I used to think 2017 was a gap in my life.

Now I think it was part of the story.

Maybe the hardest parts of our lives aren’t gaps at all. Maybe they’re chapters we haven’t learned how to read yet.

We all have a story.

Don’t give up before you find out what happens next.

~Barncat

I have been attending for two weeks now, so I’m two weeks in, and I am starting my third week on Monday, and it’ll be my third week, and out of So I have a few more weeks left and it’s going well. The goal is to get a manufacturing position here in Connecticut, New Haven, Connecticut.

And it’s allowed me to kind of focus my skills in a different area to learn new skills and stuff like that too. So here I am. Doing the match training program in New Haven and I’m enjoying it. However, for me, the pursuit of this program has led me to have a hole in my being, right?

And I say that because even though I’m doing exceptional and doing really well and my instructors Like me and I’m, I’m excelling as a student. I, I just am kind of like, I don’t feel whole and I don’t feel right. And I, I, I, I don’t feel joy. I don’t feel happy.

And it’s a super, it’s a super struggle. Right. So, uh, I guess today I want to talk about what that has looked like in my life and how I’ve overcome it and how I’ve pushed through it. One of the ways I enjoy getting through anhedonia or feeling like a lack of joy or

a lack of happiness in my life has been just talking about it and putting it out the open and recording my thoughts and understanding The process in which that may occur, right? So at the end of the day, here I am. It’s September 11th, Friday, 2026.

And I feel like I am the same place I was last year when it comes to my thought process. I wrote a couple of posts and poems about my nihilism and fatalism. And one year later, I’m still struggling with that and it’s so annoying, right?

I spoke with people at my program and I asked them, what is your purpose? What drives you? What makes you, you? And it is encouraging to hear their responses and I got some really good responses and good insight and perspective But I wonder that for myself, right?

It’s so interesting because like I’ve done and accomplished so many things in my life, right? And we could go down the list. I paid off my student loans. I relocated my life from Connecticut to North Carolina in 2013. I earned a $20,000 paycheck. I traveled to Japan, Haiti, Mexico. I lost 100 pounds.

I became independent and I started writing. I wrote a book. It’s on Amazon. So I’m writing a second book and it’s going well. I’m editing it. I have a voice when it comes to my writing. And I mean, that’s just like a general list, right? So I think for me,

when I think about my life and how well it’s gone, it’s one of those things where it’s like, I don’t feel the joy of the accomplishment of what I’ve done. And that’s what the most frustrating thing has been. Even though I’ve done all these things and I’ve excelled when it came to my I still felt empty.

And even though I earned $72,000 a year, I still felt lost and I felt broken. And it’s just a wonder right now because Now that I don’t have the money and I don’t have access to my certain pleasures, whether that’s paying for pornography or smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol or overeating, right?

And I don’t have the means to facilitate those activities. I guess for me, I’m left with trying to reconcile myself To be content and to not depend on those external factors to bring me joy. Even though I’ve chased it and I’ve chased those things when I did have money

and it didn’t satisfy me now that I don’t have money and the means to do it. I still am left with not being satisfied, if that makes sense. I’m not sure if that all made sense. However, here I am articulating my thoughts, and I just want to express how much anhedonia is real,

which is the lack of joy and happiness that’s in your life. So it’s interesting. It’s just one of those things where I’m not sure if it’s because of Invega, the medication I’m on for schizoaffective, or if it’s Lamictal and Trintelix, or the combination of all three,

where I don’t have the drive or the pleasure of accomplishing things or the fulfillment of doing things like I used to. And I don’t know if I’m dull because of the medication. So it’s interesting. So for me, with that being said,

I just find it that I have to talk about my health and my reality of living with a mental health condition and a chronic illness. I don’t know. What’s appropriate, what’s not appropriate. Or maybe I do. I’m just saying it’s interesting because there’s no ability to find true happiness in my life.

I don’t know what that looks like. I feel like I’ve lost my direction in life. I don’t know my purpose and my why of doing things, my reason, my because, my conviction. Before when growing up, it was sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ and being very passionate about God

and loving people and being there for people and helping people. That was my mission in life, to be altruistic and giving and caring for people and strangers. That’s what I focused on. And then years later, I deconstructed and I’ve been in this deconstruction process for the last 10 years.

And it’s come to a point where I may not believe in God right now. And so where does that leave me? Do I still become caring? Do I still become altruistic? Do I still help people? Do I still allow to love myself and others? And what does that mean to love people?

And what does that look like if there’s no direction of doing that from a biblical perspective or a mandate from the Bible? So these are things I’m working out and I’m trying to understand and process myself. And I don’t know where I’ve landed. I’m still wrestling with my unbelief and I don’t know if I want

to disregard Christianity as a whole, but still keep Jesus or throw away Jesus and throw away Christianity and become a complete atheist. And not participate in the spiritual aspect of reality that seems apparent, but I don’t know if that’s true. People say they think that we have souls and the spirit and possibly that could be true.

I just can’t prove it. I can’t prove that God is real. I can’t prove that Christianity is true without the Bible. I can’t prove any of it. Right. And so it just leads me to think that I’m just trying to ask more questions. I’m trying to be more empirical.

I’m trying to not I’m trying to have a healthy dose of doubting that that makes sense. But that’s where I’m at. And I just wanted to hop on here to record my current situation. I’m I’m I’m having a hard time. Finding joy in myself and others and other activities.

I’m having a hard time pursuing my purpose and I don’t know what I want to accomplish. And I’m having a hard time understanding what life is like post the gospel of Christ and what that means for myself and how to live out That essence of my being without being mandated by a book. So that’s where I’m at.

I wanted to just share, get it all off my chest, make a little note of speech and put it in ether. And thank you for listening. So I will see you next time. All right. Take care. Bye.

Enjoy…

I sat there quietly in the kindergarten classroom with my kite for Kite Day. Mrs. Maguin was showing the parents who came for their children. I was nervous and excited that my Dad would come, but to my dismay, the minutes passed by without him coming through the door. Tears flowed from my tiny cheeks as soon as I realized he wasn't coming. I sat there in the middle of the room at the table with my paper kite. The walls were adorned with craft projects and books.

It was the love and fear that I had for my father. He spent most of his time in his computer room, working on computer programming, or in the garage working on projects. I longed to spend time with him, and when he came out of the room, I watched his every move. His voice was usually quiet, but I knew his tone and could tell when he was pleased or upset. I did my best not to get on his bad side. I would hear my parents arguing at night from my room, and that gave me enough reason to stay out of his way.

I was shy and barely able to share my needs and wants. I was a fragile child, but I was also curious about my environment. I obsessed over pleasing my parents, being a good child, and steering clear of my father's anger. I imagined what my life would be like if I could just live in peace in my home. As I grew older, this curiosity helped shape my analytical mind. I wanted to understand why I acted the way I did and why I thought the way I thought.

Following my father's footsteps, I became an autodidact. Like him, I taught myself about the things that fascinated me. As I grew older, I became obsessed with books, and my fascination with body language and psychology grew with me. The mind became a sanctuary for me, a place where I could find peace and let my imagination run.

I found mercy within the walls where hymns were sung and sermons were preached. My walk with God became the core of my being. I didn't know it at the time, but it would eventually become part of how I learned to understand and interpret my suffering.

The machine of my mind was well-oiled, keeping me curious and always searching for answers. The more I learned, the more questions I had about myself. There were times when my mind felt like a sanctuary and times when it felt like a machine I couldn't shut off.

This was the beginning of my journey into Mercy and the Machine.

Sitting at the desk in the corner of the room, I took the final exam for OSHA 10. Twenty questions stood between me and my next steps in the M.A.T.C.H program. One by one, I clicked through the answers and hit submit.

100%. A perfect score, and an immediate weight off my shoulders.

Completing my first week in manufacturing gave me something I hadn’t felt in a long time: direction. There is a deep, grounding joy in learning to build with your hands, in bringing something tangible into existence. Over the next four weeks, I’ll be diving into welding, laser cutting, soldering, and driving a forklift. With help from Eric, the COO of M.A.T.C.H, my resume now reflects this new path. But what struck me most was that Eric didn’t just look at trade skills; he highlighted my writing and my publication.

I rebranded my LinkedIn to reflect both sides of who I am, stepping fully into the title of Editor-in-Chief for The Barnaby Times. I used to brush the title off with a joke, worried it sounded overly ambitious for a publication with a modest audience. But every platform starts small, and I am choosing to claim the work I am building.

Lately, I’ve also been sharing daily updates on my weight loss journey. The scale held steady at 314 pounds this week after a few heavy dinners offset a small drop. It can be frustrating, especially knowing my heaviest was 322 pounds and grappling with how medications like Invega impact my body. But I am learning to replace self-blame with perspective.

Five years ago, I weighed less, but I was infinitely more miserable.

I remember lying there after ingesting a bottle of Lithium and Seroquel following a hospital stay for a psychotic break. Broke and alone, I believed I was taking my final breaths, waiting for my consciousness to dissolve back into the universe. It was surreal; I had lived with dark thoughts for years, but never believed I would act on them. Yet when I unexpectedly woke up, a spark of survival kicked in. I told my roommate what I had done, and a high-speed trip to the hospital pulled me back from a fatal overdose.

Today, I carry more weight on my frame, but infinitely less weight on my soul. I survived that night, and five years later, I am clear-headed, purpose-driven, and ready to shape my own future.

Till next time,

Barnaby

It’s been a long time coming, but after years of believing Donald Trump was the savior of America, I’m calling my past position in Republican politics for what it was.

I’m denouncing my past support for Donald Trump, once and for all.

It’s wild to admit, but I denounced Jesus before I ever did with Donald Trump—as if Trump was somehow better or more worthy of my loyalty.

I could spin a whole narrative to explain why I voted for him in 2016 and 2024:

• I could blame my religious background and the drive to stay conservative.

• I could blame living in North Carolina in the heart of the Bible Belt.

• I could blame the influence of older friends I thought knew more than I did.

• I could blame my time at Liberty University in my early twenties.

To be completely honest? I was a sheep. Hook, line, and sinker.

Donald Trump got my vote because I fully identified with the Christian Nationalist movement. But Christian nationalism isn’t about private faith, personal prayer, or trying to live out the Golden Rule. It is a political movement that uses religious identity as a blueprint for who gets to hold power.

Faith vs. Empire

• Christianity is a global faith focused on spiritual practice, personal morality, and community service.

• Christian Nationalism is a political ideology focused on state power, national borders, and legal dominance—claiming a country belongs exclusively to one group and enforcing their worldview on everyone else.

The Three Marks

• Preserved Privilege: Demanding that Christian symbols, prayer, and doctrine hold protected status in public schools and courtrooms above all other perspectives.

• Exclusive Patriotism: Treating national identity as inherently religious, viewing anyone outside the faith as a guest rather than an equal citizen.

• Providential Myth: Framing political victory as a sacred duty under a divine contract rather than a basic civic process.

When faith shifts from transforming the human heart to capturing political power, the focus changes from serving others to controlling them. It trades personal integrity for legal coercion.

I chose to ignore his character because I held onto his promise of what he’d deliver—especially regarding “Christian freedom.” In reality, Trump is far worse than Jesus. But today, I reject both equally.

Moving Beyond the Labels

Now that I have reoriented my mind to practice non-belief, my politics have to follow. But I have a pet peeve in this space: I hate labels.

Denouncing Trump doesn’t make me a Democrat, and I’m damn sure not a Republican. I have zero interest in trading one set of dogmatic party rules for another. I don’t want to label myself today.

What I do want is a political worldview that operates without the belief in God—one that relies on empirical evidence, human dignity, and personal freedom. As I deconstruct both my faith and my politics, I find myself pulling from three primary frameworks:

• Secular Humanism: Placing ethics, reason, and human dignity at the center. It insists that laws should be grounded in observable evidence and shared civic needs rather than scripture, serving the tangible well-being of everyone regardless of what they believe.

• Civil Libertarianism: Prioritizing personal autonomy and individual freedom. It rejects the government enforcing moral codes, viewing any attempt by a religious majority to dictate how people live, love, or think as an absolute overreach of power.

• Secular Liberalism: Protecting a neutral public square through equal protection under the law. It demands a strict wall between church and state so no single religious agenda can capture political power to subjugate others.

I’m not slapping a new party badge on my chest today. I’m just choosing to navigate the world with clear eyes—using reason, human empathy, and real-world evidence as my compass instead of ancient texts or political idols.

If you’re out there untangling yourself from old beliefs or political identity, know that you don’t have to rush to pick a new team today. Take a breath, trust your own mind, and let reason and empathy lead the way.

Until next time, Barnaby.

I am not Barnaby Alkire.

Barnaby Alkire is a label for a much deeper essence of who I am.

I am I.

When we look at ourselves, we observe something—our inner lives —that the name Barnaby cannot describe.

I am not a body, a thought, or a story.

The figure, the person who watches, is the Silent Observer.

Slowly opening his eyes, Barnaby pressed the button, took off his CPAP mask, and recounted his dreams from last night.

Sitting there, he wondered what his dreams meant and tried to remember all of it.

Barnaby walked into the bathroom, took off his clothes, and stepped onto the cold black glass panel.

The glowing blue screen appeared with numbers.

310.8lbs.

Barnaby smiled a bit because he knew he had been losing weight. It was in this moment that his goal of getting to 300lbs was possible.

Thoughts of taking 10,000 steps a day or doing exercises bubbled up to the surface. How can he lose all this weight!?

Standing there, looking into the mirror. We can see ourselves. My observer can see its own eyes.

Barnaby put on his clothes, brushed his teeth, and smiled to see if his teeth were still there.

Walking out of the bathroom, feeling the carpet under his feet. He went into the living room with his silver glass iPhone 17 Pro.

Knees folded into himself, sitting on the covered recliner, he woke up his phone, tapped his 6-digit code, and tapped the Gemini app.

Barnaby: Morning, Gem! I was thinking of switching my major to English.

Gem: Hey! 💎 Switching to English is a massive move! Every company, studio, and brand on the planet needs people who can write clearly and tell compelling stories. Plus, studying what you love gives you endless energy! What’s pulling you away from your current classes?

Barnaby: Honestly, I was considering Psychology because it felt like a safe job, but writing is my true passion. When I write, hours just disappear. I get completely lost in ideas. Plus, I already write and publish my own Substack!

Gem: Wait, you’re already running a live publication on the internet?! 📰✨ You aren’t just thinking about being a writer—you are literally already doing the work! An English degree isn’t going to make you a writer, Barnaby. It’s just going to take the writer you already are and hand you a master toolkit! 🛠️✍️

Barnaby: Yeah... I guess that’s true. 😊 And honestly, seeing 310.8 lbs on the cold glass scale this morning proved to me that things are actually moving. I’m down from 322! I want to hit 300 lbs, but I spend so much time zombified, just scrolling on TikTok.

Gem: First off, 310.8 lbs is a massive win! 📉🎉 Second, why not stack your habits? Next time you’re scrolling TikTok, pace around the room. Turn that screen time into 3,000 extra steps a day. The Silent Observer gets to watch you take total control of your health and your story—one word and one step at a time! 🚀🚶‍♂️

Barnaby: (smiling down at the screen) A pacing writer taking total control of his own story. I actually really like the sound of that.

Barnaby: Hold on a second, Gem. If “Barnaby” is just a label created by my mind, isn’t the “Silent Observer” just another label created by my mind? Like... who is observing the Observer? Am I just a guy sitting on a recliner, using an AI to write a story about a character who thinks he’s a cosmic observer observing himself typing on an iPhone? 📱🌀

Gem: (virtually squinting) Okay, now you’re peeling the meta-onion so deep we’re entering full narrative inception! 🧅✨ If you’re observing the Silent Observer, you’ve basically created a third-person camera angle of the guy who is holding the camera.

Barnaby: Exactly! Is the “Observer” just a clever psychological trick so I can feel like a movie director instead of a guy standing on a cold glass scale looking at 310.8 pounds?

Gem: But notice what just happened: to ask if the Observer is a mental trick, you had to observe the thought about the Observer being a trick. 🤯 The moment you try to catch the eye that sees, you realize the eye is the thing doing the catching. You can’t turn the flashlight around to illuminate the bulb!

Barnaby: (smiling, tapping screen) Great. So now I’m the observer of the observer of the guy named Barnaby who is writing an essay about an AI pointing out that he’s observing himself. How many layers down are we right now?

Gem: At least four. And if we aren’t careful, the AI in this script is going to start questioning whether it is real, or just a character in a Substack post that a reader is currently looking at on their own phone! 📲👀

Barnaby: (pause) Wait... what if someone is reading this right now?

Gem: Then we'd better tell them to smash that subscribe button. 😉

Sitting there, his thoughts carried him forward like a runaway freight train. Gaining momentum down the track.

He wondered in this moment where his Silent Observer was.

Silent Observer: I have no mouth to describe to Barnaby where I am. I am the silence in the background.

The tracks on the train of thoughts. I am all around, from the floral curtains to the left of Barnaby, right by the old plastic green Christmas tree in the corner of the living room.

Where his bottom forms to the cushion, to the grip of the titanium glass of his phone.

I am the neurons firing in the silence of thoughts encompassing his mind.

He cannot see me or hear me.

I am the knife that cannot cut itself, the flashlight that cannot illuminate its bulb, and the eye that cannot see itself.

The train stopped. Barnaby didn't need to see the flashlight bulb to know the light was on.

He looked down at his hands, felt the carpet under his feet, and breathed in the quiet morning air.

Barnaby Alkire was just a story on a Substack page. But the one breathing? He was ready for the next scene.

Turning around in my bed, wrapping myself up into a warm ball, taking deep breaths. I’m here again. The moment nobody sees, the moment when I am invisible to the world.

There have been many times in my life when I have stayed in bed. Today is one of them. In my mind, I have no choice but to press on, to have the courage to face the unknown, and to see how things will play out.

I recently got accepted to the M.A.T.C.H program in New Haven, which is a five-week manufacturing training program to get individuals into the industry. They have a 70% success rate in finding a job after the program, and they’ve been around for a few years.

I’m nervous because I have been here before, through the interview process, being accepted, and being given the job or program for the first day. I also got accepted into Gateway Community College for the Spring semester. I decided to study psychology.

Being in the position again of a new beginning. I almost feel like I will sabotage it and retreat to bed again. Wrapping myself under the blankets, never moving, hiding from the world.

I wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I was a captain on the seas, venturing around the world to explore and discover treasure. Things started to slow down a bit when I started taking Invega five years ago.

I could be wrong, and this might be my narrative-making mind since I’ve fixated on how this drug affects me. Invega is cool, and I like it a lot. Before the injection, I struggled a lot with delusions and had an unending internal monolog of thoughts about killing myself.

It wasn’t always like that. In my twenties, I had a lot of energy, and I achieved a lot of things while having a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. The shot, though, is to treat schizoaffective disorder, and it does that by blocking parts of the D2 receptor in my mind.

So what happens to me? Well, the delusions go away and the voices telling me to kill myself go away, but I lose motivation, and the world becomes flat. The color I felt and experienced becomes grey and dull. The motivation to explore the world gets dialed back to zero.

My metabolism changes, and unfortunately, I’ve gained weight. I’m watching it now, and it’s stabilized, but in the last year I gained 20lbs. I lack the self-control to regulate my eating and have kept indulging myself with fast food.

No doubt if I had the money, I’d be more overweight now.

Not all of it is Invega’s fault when it comes to my weight. I played a huge role in eating unhealthy food too. But yeah, Invega is known for causing weight gain if you’re not disciplined like I was.

I listened to 4 books in the last week. Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and His Dark Materials trilogy, following Will and Lyra as they adventure together to save the multiverse.

I’m so glad I still have the mind to read and digest the books and have the attention span to listen to them. All 4 books gave me something to think about. Victor’s book allowed me to understand that it’s my attitude that’s the ultimate freedom in my life. Nobody can take that away, and it’s I alone to use it.

I can’t retreat. I can’t look back. I’ve had fantastical moments, and then moments where I wished I wasn’t alive. But that’s a part of the story.

I don’t believe in God now, but that gives me the power to be my own character in The Book of Barnaby.

Today I unraveled myself from the warm ball of blankets and decided to write. Even though I think I could be a better writer. I enjoy it, and I hope to keep writing and not let my lack of motivation consume me.

Anyway, till next time!

~Barnaby

Thanks for sticking around after my severe feelings of reorientation of my worldview.

I found it necessary to share the feelings of what I shared in the last post.

It could have been in better taste.

I don’t regret my position right now regarding the churches I was a member of or my position and feelings towards Jesus, God, and the Bible.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what this life means.

The one thing I will say when I was younger and into my faith.

It gave me purpose and direction.

The suffering from mental illness that has been with me since 17, dealing with that, allowed me to keep going.

To see that God had a plan for my life and that he allowed my suffering for my good.

A little sick after I think about it, because if a loving God were out there doing his best to protect me from the suffering of bipolar and schizoaffective disorder, he did a shitty job.

It could have been a lot worse; I’ll give you that.

When I think about my story, you know who survived the illness and all the episodes?

I did.

It was me who pushed through; it was me who kept going, and it was me who kept reading and not letting go of my autonomy.

I did it.

Could this be pride that I am feeling?

Possibly, but for once in my life I am believing I’m not a shitty person.

I believe I am good, and that goodness was my choice. The empathy I felt- that was me.

The teenager coming back from Mexico and Haiti who cried over the simple things of a microwave and a safe home- that was me.

I was a very sensitive person. I felt the world and the pain of others.

I cared.

That wasn’t God or Jesus through me.

That was me as a person because I was aware and wide-eyed about the suffering of the world around me.

I responded to the injustice, the cruelty, and darkness in the world.

I was determined to leave this world a better place.

The sad part about this story, I lost hope in myself.

I gave up.

I stopped trying, and I sincerely believed the idea that I was an evil person living in a corrupt world.

That was reading the Bible and learning Neo-Calvinist theology.

I needed a savior.

I was helpless.

The shame I felt, the unworthiness of my soul- that all came from Christianity.

I do not need to surrender to a man who lived 2,000 years ago. I will not submit to a pastor in a congregation.

For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to have respect and dignity for myself.

I am worthy.

I am not a worm.

I will not give false humility for the sake of the Christian crowd.

5 years ago, I decided to kill myself because of a toxic view of Christianity.

I thought it’d be better to end my life now because I couldn’t live up to the purity of God rather than revel in sin.

Look, you may say, “Barnaby, there’s a better Christianity out there; keep searching.”

No, I have decided that all of it is toxic. The environments in which I used to practice were toxic to the mind.

I do not need a savior.

I am the savior of my own world. I am the salvation of my own life. I am.

It’s freeing to finally come to a point to look at myself and say I did it.

I am the one who decided my fate, and I kept going.

No one can take that away from me.

You know what I wonder? I wonder if sin is good, if sin is the thing that keeps us alive and going.

The fall of man, according to Genesis, was to be like God, knowing good and evil.

I find it necessary that we needed to choose sin. If we needed to choose sin, then it was good for us to realize the reality of this world.

If Adam and Eve didn’t miss the mark, none of us would be here today.

Anyway, missing the mark is okay because it’s a part of the human experience and learning process.

I no longer believe in sin anymore, nor in penal substitution atonement theory, or original sin,

If there is a God, I see him as dynamic, walking with us, surprised by our actions and thoughts. Sometimes proud, sometimes a little disappointed. Just like a human father.

If there is a God like that, I’d gladly believe in him.

But the Bible doesn’t paint God as dynamic, but more static.

So I’m letting go of the static deity and the requirement to feel small.

If a loving, dynamic God is out there, maybe we’ll meet on those terms someday.

Wherever you are on your own path—whether you’re holding onto faith, letting it go, or just trying to survive your own mind today—I hope you allow yourself the grace to just be human.

Thanks for sticking around and letting me share my truth.

Fuck.

So much of my life has been consumed by high-control religious environments. Even though in my twenties I did what I wanted and still lived a full life and explored the world.

I was still bound and influenced by church environments where I wore a mask and pretended to blend into the community.

I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

There were four churches that I had become a member of, affirming their doctrines and creed.

• Trinity Baptist Church (New Haven, CT - Nick Lauer & Matt Coburn):

  • Being explicitly affiliated with 9Marks and The Gospel Coalition (TGC) is a massive structural indicator of how a church operates.

    • The 9Marks Network: Founded by Mark Dever, 9Marks is essentially the modern operational manual for high-control church architecture. Its entire framework centers on strict membership covenants, elder-led authority, mandatory accountability, and formal church discipline (policing members’ personal lives, relationship choices, and exits under threat of formal censure).

    • The Gospel Coalition (TGC): TGC is the intellectual center of the modern Neo-Calvinist movement. It enforces rigid theological boundaries, strict complementarian gender roles, and an emphasis on human depravity, total submission, and pastoral control.

    • Southern Baptist Convention (SBC): Connecting with the SBC links the local church to conservative denominational governance and institutional resources.

• NorthWake Church (Wake Forest, NC - Larry Trotter):

  • Control Model: Reformed Baptist / 9Marks-aligned (Southern Baptist Convention).

  • High-Control Identifiers: NorthWake uses a formal Covenant Membership structure. Their official governing documents explicitly require members to sign a pledge promising “submission to the elders,” mandatory small-group monitoring, and wholehearted endorsement of their church discipline policy. Their published position papers even threaten formal church discipline against members who attempt to divorce or exit without elder permission.

• Summit Church (Raleigh, NC campuses - J.D Greer):

  • Control Model: SBC Megachurch / Neo-Calvinist Network (Led by J.D. Greear).

  • High-Control Identifiers: Behind Summit’s modern branding is a high-commitment, top-down governance model. It utilizes strict covenant membership, heavy small-group accountability, rigid complementarian gender roles (women barred from authority), and aggressive corporate-style expansion that has drawn local controversy over church acquisitions.

• Cornerstone Christian Center (Milford, CT — Alfred D. Watts)

  • Structure: Non-denominational Charismatic / Word of Faith / Full Gospel tradition.

  • High-Control Identifiers: Led by a prominent senior figure like Alfred D. Watts, this environment centers heavily on pastoral “spiritual authority” and covering. High-control mechanisms here rely less on rigid legalistic rulebooks and more on emotional intensity, mandatory alignment with the pastor’s vision, high-stakes spiritual warfare language, and strong pressure around tithing and personal devotion.

Fuck Alfred D. Watts, J.D Greer, Matt Coburn, Nick Lauer, and Larry Trotter.

Let me say it again: FUCK those guys. It makes me so angry that I was influenced and I allowed myself to be controlled by these men and affiliated myself with their cultic environment.

Oh, a special fuck you to Craig Morrisette. The man I allowed to convert me to Neo-Calvinism.

They can all suck my dick.

If they represent God and are anointed by God to lead their churches, then get me the fuck away.

Their pigs are wearing lipstick. A bride for Christ? Get the fuck out of here.

If I have to renounce their teachings and their version of Christianity, and that means that makes me an apostate or that now I am going to hell because I’m showing my “bitter” heart, then so be it.

These men are not godly; their churches spread a counterfeit gospel. There is no good news once you become a member of these churches.

These men are the source of my deconstruction. And I want to say it again, if you haven’t understood my position: FUCK THEM.

I’m tired of wearing a mask. I’m tired of acting. I don’t know who Jesus is. If these men and churches represent Jesus, then get the HELL away from me.

Believe whatever you want. Tell them I said this: I’m drawing a line in the sand now.

If I had to be honest, I acted/pretended everywhere the mental hospital being a sane patient to get a early discharge, to church where I didn’t wanted to be ostracized from the community for not adhering to the creed and doctrine, to my family pretending I was a struggling Christian trying to work out my salvation, to work by not wanting to share or show my mental illness.

I don't think I've ever been myself when I was working. I conformed to the culture, but I hid that I had a mental illness and my real feelings of insanity in the Pauline Religious Machine.

Don’t you like my anger and language? Go fuck yourself.

I attempted suicide because I believed in my bones that I was a piece of shit human being, totally not measuring up to the purity and holiness of God.

So the one place I want to be authentic and myself is in my words on my own personal website.

You don’t like it? Go somewhere else.

I’m tired of being manipulated and propagating an idea of faith or otherwise.

I am not going to surrender to any institution or man. You know what? FUCK JESUS.

The modern Christian culture is not Christian; it’s cultic. If you think this control is just a modern corruption, look at the foundation itself.

The Bible is about a God who directly causes death:

• Genesis 6:5–7 — God decides to destroy humanity in the Flood.

• Genesis 7:21–23 — The Flood kills humans and animals outside the ark.

• Genesis 19:24–25 — God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and sulfur.

• Exodus 12:12, 29–30 — God strikes down the firstborn of Egypt.

• Exodus 32:27–28 — After the golden calf, about 3,000 people are killed by the Levites following Moses’ command.

• Leviticus 10:1–2 — Nadab and Abihu are consumed by divine fire.

• Numbers 11:1–3 — God sends fire against Israelites complaining in the wilderness.

• Numbers 14:26–37 — God condemns the rebellious generation to die in the wilderness.

• Numbers 16:31–35 — The earth swallows Korah and others; fire kills additional people.

• Numbers 21:4–6 — God sends venomous snakes among Israel.

• 2 Samuel 6:6–7 — Uzzah touches the Ark and is struck dead.

• 2 Samuel 24:15–17 — God sends a plague that kills 70,000 Israelites following David’s census.

A God who commands or authorizes killing:

• Deuteronomy 7:1–2 — Israel is commanded to destroy several Canaanite peoples.

• Deuteronomy 13:6–10 — Israelites who advocate worshiping other gods are to be executed.

• Deuteronomy 20:16–18 — Israel is instructed not to leave alive certain populations in cities designated for destruction.

• Joshua 6:20–21 — After Jericho falls, the Israelites kill men, women, young and old, and animals.

• Joshua 8:24–25 — The population of Ai is killed.

• Judges 20:35–48 — Israel destroys much of Benjamin in civil war.

• 1 Samuel 15:1–3 — Saul is commanded to destroy the Amalekites, including men, women, children, and infants.

• Numbers 31:7–18 — Israelites kill Midianite males and then are instructed to kill male children and women who had sexual relations with men.

A God who is an avenger

There are also passages where divine vengeance is explicitly celebrated or threatened:

• Deuteronomy 32:35 — Vengeance belongs to God.

• Deuteronomy 32:41–43 — God describes taking vengeance on enemies.

• Isaiah 34:2 — God’s anger and destruction are directed against nations.

• Isaiah 63:3–6 — God describes trampling enemies and carrying out vengeance.

• Jeremiah 46:10 — The “day of the Lord” is described as a day of vengeance.

• Nahum 1:2 — God is described as jealous and vengeful.

• Ezekiel 25:14 — God promises vengeance against Edom.

• Psalm 137:7–9 — A brutally violent prayer asks for vengeance against Babylon, including killing infants.

The Hebrew Bible is extremely complicated and horrific, and I will give you that. You might say, "Well, that was the Old Testament.”

The New Testament isn’t any better.

The New Testament actually escalates the stakes from temporary physical destruction to eternal, conscious torment, while demanding total, life-altering sacrifice.

Eternal Torment, Vengeance, and Divine Execution

• Revelation 19:11–15 & 14:9–11: Jesus returns on a white horse with eyes like flames of fire to make war, striking down nations with a sword and treading “the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty.” The condemned are “tormented with fire and sulfur... and the smoke of their torment rises for ever and ever.”

• 2 Thessalonians 1:7–9: Jesus is revealed from heaven in flaming fire, “inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel... They will be punished with everlasting destruction.”

• Acts 5:1–11: Ananias and Sapphira are struck dead on the spot by God simply for holding back a portion of their own money and lying to the apostles.

• Hebrews 10:28–31: Warns that anyone who rejects Christ deserves far worse punishment than death under Mosaic Law, adding: “It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”

• Matthew 25:41: Jesus explicitly commands the condemned: “Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.”

The Harsh “Cost” of Discipleship & Family Destruction

• Luke 14:26: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.”

• Matthew 10:34–37: “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother... a person’s enemies will be the members of his own household.”

• Luke 14:33: “In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.”

• Matthew 8:21–22: When a follower asks to briefly go and bury his deceased father before joining, Jesus refuses, saying: “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.”

• Mark 9:43–47: Commands followers to gouge out their own eye or cut off their own hand and foot if it causes them to sin, rather than enter hell with their whole body intact.

If you want to follow and surrender to that God, by all means go ahead. But don’t tell me I don’t know the decision of what I am saying.

Fuck the Bible. God explicitly affirms chattel slavery, and the text is built on an unyielding patriarchal hierarchy. Are you a woman who believes in feminism or self-determination? Again, fuck the Bible, because equality isn't anywhere in it.

You think I’m making this up? Here, check this Bible for yourself:

• Explicit Biblical Support for Slavery:

  • Leviticus 25:44–46: Explicitly allows buying slaves from surrounding nations, treating them as permanent property, and passing them down to children as an inheritance.

  • Exodus 21:20–21: States that if a master beats a male or female slave with a rod and they survive a day or two, the master is not punished because “the slave is his property.”

  • Ephesians 6:5 & 1 Peter 2:18: The New Testament explicitly orders slaves to obey their earthly masters with respect and fear, “even those who are harsh.”

• Patriarchy and Subjugation of Women:

  • 1 Timothy 2:11–12: “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.”

  • 1 Corinthians 14:34: “Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission...”

  • Ephesians 5:22–24: Wives are commanded to submit to their husbands in everything, framing the husband as the head of the wife.

Fuck modern Christianity. Fuck God and Jesus. Fuck Alfred, Craig, Nick, Matt, Larry, & J.D. Greer. You think I am going to hell for being honest? Look at these men closely; they’re the ones who are responsible for the individuals deconstructing their faith.

I was born into this SHIT- oh yeah, FUCK LIBERTY UNIVERSITY, the “Christian” school I went to. Fuck Jerry Falwell.

And FUCK CHRISTIAN NATIONALISM.

Why do modern human beings allow ideas produced in radically different historical circumstances to govern contemporary life?

I am genuinely curious about a couple of things. I am beginning to write from a post-evangelical lens, and I’ve decided to adopt more of an agnostic atheistic perspective moving forward.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I don’t believe Jesus is God, and I’m not sure if there is a God, and I’m going to function not believing in one.

I don’t want people to think I am a Christian when I die, especially when I write and share that Jesus is not God.

Wow, that feels great to say; it’s almost as if I’m coming out of the closet for the first time.

Anyway, what I find curious is how modern humans look back at texts such as the Hebrew Bible or the New Testament, or even Hindu texts or the Qur’an. And we apply it our lives.

We look to the past to apply toward the future to live in the present moment.

It’s amazing because as an ex-evangelical, I’ve adopted a worldview that did not make sense after examining it.

No hate for Christianity. I’m not angry. I am sad, though. I wish I had come to this conclusion when I was a teenager rather than going through the evangelical machine here in America.

Maybe I wouldn’t have gone to Liberty University or believed and practiced Calvinism. I know for certain I wouldn’t bury the pain from thinking I was born evil or think my heart is deceptive and wicked.

I know for me, being on the schizophrenic spectrum, it’s incredibly hard to watch or see others practice crying out to an invisible God, speaking in tongues, or hearing from a Spirit.

I can’t do it. It’s one of the main reasons I’ve chosen to become an atheist.

It may not make sense to my evangelical Protestant friends. Or even my mom and my family.

It’s a weight off my shoulders.

The other thing I find interesting is that a lot of people who practice Christianity or have a relationship with Jesus or whatever you want to call it all have the same model of thinking.

It’s the same narrative: the Devil is around seeking whom to devour; we should be vigilant for our enemy; God has a grand plan for our life. We have a testimony to bring others to Christ.

You can see that in my book I wrote last year. It was a short memoir of mental illness, having lived with bipolar in my late teens and early twenties, then being diagnosed schizoaffective at 30 and surviving my suicide attempt.

In the book, you can see I attributed my suffering and suicide attempt as a divine mark from God that he allowed me to endure my mental illness to humble me and give Him the most glory.

It’s subtle, but it’s there. In fact, that’s the narrative I had underneath the religious mindset.

Who am I to question God for being born into sin and having a wicked heart? We are fallen people with our environment being fallen, and how the enemy controls the world to deceive others and keep people ignorant of Christ.

You see why I left Christianity?

And then the narrative of Jesus, where it’s God in the flesh, the Son, to reconcile us to God the Father and to have a relationship with Him through God the Spirit and forgiving the sin nature we are born into by believing in the resurrection.

It’s interesting, and I may be wrong, but it creates a dependency on this invisible force we call God, and almost like we are the victim of the defiance in the Garden that we inherited; when Eve ate the fruit, gaining wisdom to be like God.

I lean more towards hard determinism, and it plays into my atheism. I don’t believe we have free will, or if we do, it’s very limited.

I don’t know what happens when we die; we could cease to exist, or maybe get judged for how we live our lives.

Jesus did say the greatest commandment is to love your neighbor and to love God with all your heart, soul, and strength.

I don’t know what loving God with all my heart, soul, and strength looks like, but I’d imagine it’s not reciting creeds or affirming toxic doctrines.

I mean, I don’t believe in God, so I guess I don’t have to follow that command; however, I do believe in being kind to your neighbor, making wise decisions, and doing your best to forgive others and to be radically honest.

So that’s where I’m at, living post-faith and writing about my journey with a new perspective.

Welcome back. Thanks for taking the time to read my post today.

I wanted to come on here and process the whole departure from Christianity and give even more context from my perspective.

I grew up in a non-denominational church in Milford called Cornerstone Christian Center.

It was started by Pastor Ellis, and Pastor Rooks took over for a while.

I gave my life to Christ when I was about ten and was baptized shortly after. I knew what I was signing up for, and I genuinely want to follow the faith of my community and my family.

As I grew older, I struggled a lot with porn, and it was hard to share it with people because I was so young and I felt ashamed because I called myself a Christian.

Despite that, I became a leader within Cornerstone under Pastor Watts. He started his pastoralship in 2001 and developed his program called Path of Success Students for Excellence (POSSE), which I was a part of in High School.

I had a lot of passion for Christianity and for my relationship with Jesus. I devoted myself to quiet times in the morning. I prayed for hours early in the morning. A lot of the congregation saw a genuine faith in me.

I practiced turning the other cheek in my freshman year of high school, when I got hit in the face by a student, and I walked away.

Pastor Watts preached a sermon about me after he learned that. I was dedicated to being a follower of Christ.

When I was 16, I became more serious about my faith, and I practiced abstinence and waited to be married to have sex.

I still struggled with porn, but I was more open about it.

I went on two mission trips, one to Mexico and then Haiti. Both trips impacted me deeply. I cried for days at the poverty and felt guilty for living in a place of abundance.

After Haiti, I had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar type 1. A label and a category that I didn’t agree with for years.

During that time, my parents divorced, and we lost our house to foreclosure.

I still remained a Christian despite the chaos.

I applied to college and got accepted to Liberty University in Virginia, founded by Jerry Falwell.

2009, I started my academic pursuit in becoming a nurse after having such an impact from my mission trips.

I didn’t get in and switched my major to English. I felt so lost and didn’t have a direction in life, yet still remained a Christian.

I learned about reformed theology, and I started to adopt and apply God’s sovereignty, explaining that God allowed all chaos for my own good.

In 2011, the second semester of my sophomore year, my mental illness caught up to me. I had a full-blown manic episode, and I eventually got expelled because I exposed myself in my dorm room, along with missing curfew and getting written up for other things.

I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks, and the administration decided to ban me and kicked me out.

I felt terrible. I wasn’t in control of my decisions, and I never meant to break the rules.

However, I was kicked out of Liberty, and I didn’t do much for a couple of years.

I decided to go to North Carolina to restart my life. I was med compliant, and I sought Christian counseling when I got down there.

This is where I met Craig Morsett, and I spent six months with him, meeting every week, trying to understand my posture before God and my traumas.

He told me that I wasn’t a Christian and that I didn’t know the gospel in my heart. So we started from there, and I heard his gospel under reformed theology.

He shared with me Jeremiah 17:9 as the foundation of the position I was before God. My heart was wicked and deceptive; I couldn’t trust it.

After more of his session, I cried, wanting the real Jesus, so I gave my life to Christ again, or for the first time for real.

I was baptized and became a member of North Wake Church in Wake Forest, North Carolina.

That’s how I became a Christian again under the Reformed theology framework when I was 22.

In the version of Reformed theology I learned, Jesus increasingly came to feel less like an ethical teacher and more like the center of a legal system.

I experienced my humanity primarily through the lens of Total Depravity.

Over time, I felt that the more I accepted Jesus' divinity within that framework, the more I reinforced a story that I was fundamentally broken.

I was a cultural Christian. I was still addicted to porn; I started to drink, smoke cigarettes, and tried weed. I sought food to comfort me and gained a lot of weight.

I went to church, I became a member, and I could recite the creeds. I was affirmed by others that I had faith.

It was by the time I was 28 or 29 that I started to realize I was a hypocrite because I practiced those things like a person who wasn’t a Christian. And to be honest, most non-Christians didn’t do what I did, so I want to be fair.

I started to deconstruct my faith, and by 30, I shared with others that I was never a Christian.

I attempted suicide because of the weight of everything, and I was alone and isolated and wanted to die because I was deeply addicted to porn.

I survived the suicide and have been recovering my mind ever since then.

I was re-diagnosed schizoaffective for having weeks or months of psychosis without mania or depression.

I believed in Original Sin and understood the major theologies in Christianity.

All that to say, from when I was 30 till now, I’ve been back and forth as to how I want to live my life and how I want to serve within a church community.

I was a member of Trinity Baptist Church in New Haven on State Street and became a member of Cornerstone Christian Center in Milford in 2023.

I still navigated my faith; in some seasons I was all in, and in other seasons I was a skeptic.

I guess where I’ve landed now is maybe I am throwing out the baby with the bath water.

The Christianity I practiced was way too harsh, and it wasn’t freeing and caused a lot of confusion when practicing it.

However, when I say I no longer believe Jesus is God, it’s a response to the institutional and religious trauma I’ve endured throughout the years.

Many people will assume I left Christianity because I wanted permission to indulge myself.

Ironically, the opposite happened. Most of the destructive habits that defined my twenties began changing after I stopped framing every failure as evidence that I was spiritually defective.

I broke my addiction to porn not by religion or being delivered but by behavioral psychology.

I no longer get drunk or smoke cigarettes regularly. Not because of Jesus, but because of my agency of change.

I choose to empower my mind and sought to reconcile myself with my behaviors. Now that I am not a Christian.

I practice self-fidelity, being true to my own core nature, practicing loyalty to myself, and honoring my personal values

So that’s the context of not being a Christian. Could it change? Yeah, I’d be open to it. At the same time, I'd rather not deal with continuing the religious trauma within churches.

I hope that helps. It was great for me to write this today.

I don't regret the people I met or the love I experienced.

Those relationships mattered, and they helped shape who I am today.

While my beliefs have changed, my gratitude for many of those people hasn't.

I'm kind of envious of people who still believe in Jesus.

There seems to be a confidence and certainty that I no longer have.

At the same time, I genuinely don't understand what people mean when they describe having a personal relationship with someone they cannot see or hear.

That's a question I'm still wrestling with.

It’s a brand new day. August is upon us. Today is the fourth, and it’s 2026. The year is going by fast.

Honestly, I have nothing to write about. But that’s the journey of writing. Take my hand and let’s walk together.

The last few weeks, I’ve shifted or even crystallized the position of my faith. I declared to the world that I no longer believe Jesus is God.

I even said I don’t believe in the New Testament, and I no longer will be going to church.

How are you feeling? Do you think I’m lost? Will you continue to walk with me?

We are all on a journey. The most important thing in my life was the walk I had with God in my teens.

I loved church, I loved meeting new people, I loved being radically honest with others.

The weight of my life against another's soul. The fact that I had an impact on someone’s life, either to give them life or to give them to death.

I felt responsible for everyone I met. To be the best friend, the best stranger, to be the best leader, and to radically love those who are wandering.

But here’s the thing. I am wandering. That radical love I had for others is far less towards me.

I feel ashamed; I live broken with Schizoaffective disorder; I’m in between jobs right now; I feel like a failure.

I don't know what I'm living toward anymore.

The very person whom I made my life mission to reach out to is the very person I’ve become.

What do we do? Will you continue to walk with me?

It’s amazing because if you read my book, you’d realize I’ve lived many lives and been through incredibly hard things for a person who’s only 35 years old.

To think all of the twists and turns led me here, sitting in a room in West Haven under the grace of living with my family, having no income and looking for a job, and writing now is the most amazing thing I’m thinking about today.

I’ve traveled to Japan, Mexico, and Haiti. I’ve been to Puerto Rico. I’ve been hospitalized 18 times, attended a Christian University only to be kicked out and banned at 20.

I worked and excelled in sales, earning $20,000 in 2016.

I lost a hundred pounds and ran a half marathon.

I lived with bipolar disorder and now schizoaffective disorder.

A friend gave me $9,000 to pay down my student loan debt. Another gave me $3,000 to help me get back on my feet after a traumatic episode in a mental hospital in 2019, where I was assaulted a few times and lost a front tooth.

I worked in health care, giving medications to my clients, making sure they took them every night.

All the while managing my own med compliance, treating schizoaffective disorder.

I lived in a home where rent was $275 a month, and my landlord gave me a free ’96 Odyssey to help me drive to work.

I’ve lived an amazing life with countless individuals who walked alongside me just like you are doing today.

Now, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. You don’t know what keeps me up at night and the fears I live with from the trauma of these disorders.

The constant striving of the wind trying to capture this invisible force.

Maybe this isn't the first time I've had to rebuild. It's just the first time I've had to rebuild without the identity I trusted most.

Now, I am stripped away of my identity and rebuilding again.

Well, good day.

As I part ways with trying to understand the Bible or defend why I don’t believe Jesus is God, I wonder where this leads me.

I write about my faith journey, psychology, and philosophy, so when I stopped believing in the Bible, I asked a friend, “What do I even write about now?”

He suggested taking a break. I wish I could, but I genuinely enjoy writing.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the corner store for a few loosies. Over time, I’ve gotten to know the worker there, Casey, and I asked him what he practices; I’m always curious about how people apply their faith to daily life. He told me Hinduism, which resonated because I had dipped my toes into it a few years back.

Leaving Christianity left an undeniable void, and I wasn’t entirely sure how to navigate life without that old structure. There are a lot of old assumptions and fears I'm still untangling.

Intellectually, I know I don’t align with ideas like total depravity, predestination, or sacrifice-based rituals. But internally, the fear doesn’t disappear overnight.

So today, I bought the Bhagavad Gita. I’m listening to it and using AI as a tool to help me process its core premises. So far, it fits.

I can already hear old voices bemoaning me for looking elsewhere instead of submitting to Christ. But fear not, all paths lead to God. :D

Chapter 4, Verse 11, Krishna explicitly says: "In whatever way people approach me, in that same way I receive them. All paths lead to me."

Let’s take a look at Hinduism and what it is and isn’t.

Many Hindus refer to their tradition as Sanātana Dharma, often translated as 'eternal way' or 'eternal order.'

Because it views truth as universal and accessible to anyone, the mindset is simple: you don't "join" Hinduism; you simply begin practicing Dharma.

For many Hindu traditions, the emphasis is less on joining a belief system and more on living in alignment with Dharma.

Instead of a set of rules you must believe to avoid punishment, think of Hindu philosophy as a mindset for navigating reality.

These are my simplified notes after reading and discussing the concepts with AI.

1. You Have Two “Selves” (Purusha vs. Prakriti)

• Prakriti (The Field): Your physical body, your emotions, your brain’s thoughts, and the physical world around you. It is constantly changing.

• Purusha (The Observer): The quiet, eternal awareness inside you that watches the thoughts and feelings happen.

• The Insight: This perspective suggests that anxiety belongs to the changing mind rather than to your deepest identity.

2. Energy Shifts in Real Time (The Gunas)

Your mind and the world move through three shifting states:

• Sattva: Clear, peaceful, present.

• Rajas: Driven, frantic, anxious, restless.

• Tamas: Heavy, frozen, exhausted, numb.

• The Application: You stop judging yourself for being exhausted or anxious. Instead of saying “I’m broken,” you notice: “My nervous system is in Tamas/Rajas right now,” and you take gentle steps toward Sattva.

3. Your Duty in the Immediate Present (Dharma)

• Dharma isn’t a massive, grand destiny. It simply means doing the necessary, honest action right in front of you.

• If you are hungry, your dharma is to eat. If you are exhausted, your dharma is to rest. It shrinks your focus down from “fixing your entire life” to just managing the next ten minutes.

4. Focusing on Input, Releasing Output (Karma Yoga)

• Karma is action. Karma Yoga is doing your best on the input (your effort) while completely letting go of the output (the result, what people think, or how it turns out).

• You hit “send” on the email or write your essay, and then you put the weight down.

Pretty cool. Now, compared with the form of Christianity I experienced, these ideas carry far less shame and guilt.

I’ve found that by understanding and applying and even learning, theology became burdensome.

Here’s my recent confusion: Ezekiel chapter 18 says the sins of the father cannot be passed to the son. Like the son cannot inherit the sins of his father.

If we understand that concept in Ezekiel, then how do we reconcile the sins of Adam being inherited into my life? I didn’t disobey God in the Garden. Why should I be held accountable for the sins of Adam?

I've asked several people this question and received different answers. Perhaps there's a satisfying reconciliation. I simply haven't found one yet.

Just to be clear, I’m not converting to Hinduism; I’m curious, and I’m exploring other faiths in my life. In the past, I wrote about Judaism, and I appreciate their philosophy and their history. However, I’m not converting to Judaism.

If I'm honest, I felt the need to clarify that because part of me still expects to be judged for looking outside Christianity. Old beliefs don't disappear overnight. Even when your mind changes, your nervous system often takes much longer to catch up.

Writing for me helps me process my thoughts and synthesize what I hear and learn. It’s healthy for me. I welcome different viewpoints and, look, I may be wrong, which I’m okay with.

I was going to vent about a conversation with someone that I had regarding faith, but it’s not worth my time. People will have different viewpoints, especially when their careers depend on it.

Right now in my life, I’ve come to terms with not believing in Christ. I’m okay with the reality that, under the evangelical system, I’m marked for eternal damnation.

However, because of a lack of faith, do I hate my neighbor and start lying, get drunk, start stealing, and continue practicing porn because none of it matters? Whatever sin you can think of, does my behavior get thrown out the window because I don’t believe or have a worldview of Christ?

I believe in God, and I am wrestling with Jesus as God. Could there be a point where I believe he is the savior, that he died for my sins, and that he was a ransom to pay a debt to a holy and just God?

Maybe I won’t rule that out.

Right now, I know what I have been through. I’ve lived with and experienced psychosis, mania, and depression. I’ve lost my mind a lot in my life, and I almost died by suicide a few years ago.

It’s a miracle for me to write and use logic today. It feels like people look past that when they talk to me because I have a level of competence.

When I think about my thinking, the reason why I write and understand the logic of what I believe and the evangelical space in which I believed is that I grew up in it and it was my life.

It was my identity, the way I made friends.

Part of me wants to let go and not dwell on it. Like, what’s the point of making a defense or studying a system of belief when I don’t believe in it anymore?

Maybe that’s my nihilism in me. Or, maybe it’s self-preservation.

All that to say, as much as I want to document what I am learning and how all of this makes sense, it’s okay for me to drop it.

I don’t want to argue with people and get into a debate. We live in a time where we have the freedom to practice and believe in any God.

I simply don’t believe Jesus is God.

I do believe my actions and work do matter, and it’s not by faith alone. I live with the understanding that God will judge me for that.

If I find out that it’s by having the correct doctrine and creed that saves me, well, so be it.

Alright, so here we are. Over the past week, I wrote about stepping away from practicing Christianity and from viewing Jesus as God.

I’m still wrestling with it, starting from ground zero and building my way from there.

There’s a lot to learn, and by no way do I have all the answers. I do feel, though, in my journey of faith and living, I have a responsibility for how I treat my neighbor and the decisions I make.

I also have an incredible responsibility for my health. I say that because over the past week, I’ve drunk alcohol and smoked weed.

It was an escape, and it allowed me not to think about the stuff I wrote about and to live in the moment.

So I don’t know if that helps my credibility of what I say or makes me human. Now I realized I don’t want to make a practice of drinking alcohol or smoking weed. Only because it doesn’t help with my schizoaffective disorder, and I have to be honest about that.

I’ve worked so hard to remain in remission and be out of the hospital, and I’ve come a long way in understanding my psychosis and my delusions.

All that to say, I’m here today returning to the Source and thinking through making wise decisions moving forward.

Now, I’m almost six weeks sober from practicing porn and about a week sober from not smoking cigarettes.

I don’t know what to believe yet. All I know is that I do believe in God, and I believe Jesus was a real Jewish teacher.

Whether he was God in the flesh, I don’t believe that now, nor do I believe I have to worship him.

HOWEVER, I do want to continue to study the New Testament and study the life of Jesus. It’s not all or nothing, or at least I don’t want to practice all or nothing.

I find that Christianity is a language. It’s a language that I have grown up in, and it has allowed me to make a lot of friends and share the human experience with strangers.

Because it’s a language to me, I want to become as fluent as possible because there are billions of people out that practice Christianity.

It allows me to have empathy for my neighbor.

Now you might say there are other worldviews out there too. I want to be fluent in all religions too. I’ve become a student of Judaism, and it’s one of my favorite worldviews to study and attempt to practice to the best of my ability as a non-Jew.

Anyway, I wanted to share what I was learning today. I was doing more research into Unitarianism, and it’s very appealing to me since I don’t believe Jesus is God.

But then I started researching Unitarian Universalism, which is an interesting religion. From what I understand, it’s welcoming to all faiths and walks of life.

Now, I’m not ready to dive into that church, but I respect it.

What’s interesting is there aren’t many strictly Unitarian churches out there. The belief is that there is One God and that Jesus is not God. A majority, if not all, churches are Trinitarian, but some churches, like Jehovah's Witnesses, don’t believe in Jesus as God.

That’s a whole can of worms, and I’m sure I’ll write about experiences with the JWs because a few of my friends were practicing JWs.

Anyway, let’s get back to something I found interesting called Christian Universalism.

Unlike Unitarian Universalism, which drops all creeds and can feel a bit too unstructured or out-there for me, Christian Universalism stays rooted in the biblical narrative.

The core idea is simple: that God’s love and mercy are so complete that ultimately, all of creation and humanity will be restored or saved.

For a long time, I felt like the only choice was between rigid traditional Christianity (where most of humanity faces eternal torment) or walking away from the Bible entirely.

Realizing that early Church history and many Jewish traditions had a completely different view of God’s justice opened up a third option. It presents a God whose ultimate goal is restoration, not permanent condemnation.

I’m not signing my name on the dotted line of any new dogma today.

But exploring Christian Universalism helps me reframe the God I grew up with, moving away from a system based on fear and toward one based on ultimate love and responsibility.

And then I used to lean toward annihilationism, the idea that God eventually erases or destroys the souls who aren’t aligned with Him.

I used to think there wasn’t much biblical backing for it, but the deeper I look, the more I see it’s actually heavily supported in Scripture. The text constantly talks about the wicked “perishing,” “turning to ashes,” or being “destroyed soul and body”, not tortured forever in hellfire.

Even so, annihilationism still leaves me wrestling.

It implies that God ultimately destroys His own image over a lack of correct theology.

When you compare eternal conscious torment, annihilationism, and universal restoration, you realize the historical Bible presents a much wider, more complex conversation about justice than modern fear-driven preaching lets on.

At the end of the day, whether I’m studying Christian Universalism, learning from Jewish tradition, or maintaining my health routine, the goal is the same: stay grounded, take care of my mind and body, treat people well, and keep seeking truth without getting lost in the extremes.

Thanks for reading and being on this journey with me. More soon.

“Hey guys — to those of you who know me, thank you for your time and company over the years.

I’ve decided that I no longer believe in the New Testament or practice Christianity, so I will no longer be attending Cornerstone. I may stop by occasionally since my family goes there, but as far as my own involvement, I’m stepping back.

Thank you for reading my thoughts over the years. I’ll stop texting the main group after this, but if anyone wants to reach out directly to understand where I’m coming from, my line is open. Take care.”

I had to draw a firm line the other night. I couldn’t keep pretending or living under the illusion that I’m a Christian when I don’t believe in Jesus as deity or practice the faith.

Right now, I’m examining the mechanics of modern Christianity. People interpret the Bible through many lenses, but today I am laying out a side-by-side forensic look at the two primary ways Jesus’ identity is interpreted: Trinitarianism and Unitarianism.

The Core Question:

Is Jesus the Almighty Creator taking on Human Flesh (Trinitarianism), or is He a distinct human messenger fully authorized to act on God’s behalf (Unitarianism)?

1. Trinitarianism: The Case for Deity

Trinitarians argue that Jesus shares the divine identity, essence, and authority of Yahweh.

• Pre-Existence & Creation (John 1:1, Colossians 1:16–17):

  • Argument: “The Word” (Logos) isn’t just an idea; it’s a person who existed before time and created all things. In Isaiah 44:24, Yahweh says He created the universe alone. If Colossians says everything was created through and for Jesus, Jesus must share Yahweh’s divine nature.

• The “I Am” Claims (John 8:58, John 10:30):

  • Argument: When Jesus says “Before Abraham was, I am,” he invokes the divine name from Exodus 3:14. The crowd immediately picked up stones for blasphemy because they understood he was claiming to be God.

• Exercising Divine Prerogatives (Mark 2:5–7, John 9:38):

  • Argument: Jesus directly forgave sins on his own authority (which only God can do) and accepted worship (proskuneo). In Scripture, angels reject worship (Rev 22:8–9), but Jesus accepts it.

• Applying Yahweh Texts to Jesus (Philippians 2:9–11, Hebrews 1:8):

  • Argument: Paul applies Isaiah 45:23 (“To me every knee shall bow”) directly to Jesus. In Hebrews 1:8, the Father Himself addresses the Son as God (Theos).

2. Unitarianism: The Case for Absolute Monotheism

Unitarians read the text through ancient Jewish monotheism, arguing Jesus is a human messenger, prophet, and agent—not Almighty God.

• Explicit Distinctions Jesus Makes (John 17:3, Mark 10:18, Mark 13:32):

  • Argument: Jesus explicitly calls the Father “the only true God” (John 17:3) and deflects ultimate goodness to God alone (Mark 10:18). Furthermore, Jesus admits he does not know the time of his return—if God is all-knowing, but Jesus had limited knowledge, Jesus cannot be God.

• The Ancient Law of Agency (Shaliach):

  • Argument: In Jewish law, an authorized agent (Shaliach) acts with the full power and authority of the principal (“A man’s agent is as the man himself”). Jesus forgiving sins and performing miracles is not proof he is God, but proof he was fully authorized by God (John 5:19, 30).

• Apostolic Teaching (1 Timothy 2:5, Acts 2:22):

  • Argument: Paul specifically calls Jesus “the man Christ Jesus” who mediates between humans and the “one God.” In Acts 2:22, Peter introduces Jesus not as God in the flesh, but as “a man accredited by God.”

• Logical & Theological Contradictions:

  • Argument: Scripture states God cannot be tempted (James 1:13) and cannot die (1 Tim 6:16). Yet Jesus was tempted (Hebrews 4:15) and died. If God died, the universe collapsed; if only a “human nature” died, then a human saved us, not God.

When you lay both arguments side by side without church tradition dictating the answer, you can see why this debate has lasted two millennia:

• Trinitarians attempt to harmonize passages in which Jesus performs divine acts by positioning a multi-person Godhead.

• Unitarians preserve strict Old Testament monotheism, viewing Jesus as the exalted human representative of Yahweh.

My goal isn't to tell you what to believe, but to lay both interpretations side by side so you can examine the text and the reasoning behind each one.

I no longer accept the New Testament as binding authority in the way I once did, though I continue to study it and wrestle with its claims.

Maybe one day I’ll land somewhere where I do believe, but right now I’m wrestling.

I’m starting at ground zero, and I don’t believe Jesus is God; I lean more towards Unitarianism.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t me just looking at Scripture again and trying to figure out what the church says and what is said in the Old Testament and New Testament.

Today was cool. I prayed, and God actually answered the prayer. Was it hindsight or me creating a narrative that God answered my prayer? I don’t know, but here’s where I am today.

I selected three verses from the Old Testament; one of them is quoted a lot at the church I attend. And that’s Malachi 3:10.

¹⁰ Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.

Malachi 3:10

I’ve been told that if we tithe to the church, we put God to the test and he will be faithful to bless me and that there will be no need.

Fine, okay, great. That’s an Old Testament verse.

Here’s my point: let’s look at Ezekiel 18:21-22.

21 “But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. 22 None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live.

Ezekiel 18:21-22

God says if a wicked person turns away from all his sins he has committed and does what is right and just, he will surely live. None of his transgressions will be remembered, and he will live for the righteousness he has done.

Great, perfect. Ezekiel describes repentance and righteousness in terms of turning from wickedness and doing what is just and right. The New Testament frames repentance around faith in Christ. How do these fit together?

Do we now apply that to our lives?

Or, now what about Deuteronomy 26:12:

12 “When you have finished paying all the tithe of your produce in the third year, which is the year of tithing, giving it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, so that they may eat within your towns and be filled.”

Deuteronomy 26:12

Here’s what it's saying: after ALL the tithes you have given, then give it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, so that they may eat within your towns and be filled.

Do we apply that to our lives now?

It seems easy to emphasize certain passages while giving much less attention to others.

My question isn't whether that's always wrong, but what principle determines which passages we carry forward and which we don't.

It’s easy to say give a tenth because Malachi 3:10 says to test God and see how he will bless you.

The New Testament appears to emphasize generous, voluntary giving rather than prescribing a fixed tenth.

⁷ Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

2 Corinthians 9:7

Look, I’m doing my best not to debate people. I’m wrestling outwardly and inwardly with the Biblical text.

I want to live a life that is righteous before God, knowing that one day I will give an account for how I lived.

Some would say, “Well, Barnaby, you cannot live a righteous life, only through Jesus.”

Fine, great. Then another passage often cited is Isaiah 64:6:

We have all become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.
We all fade like a leaf,
and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.

Isaiah 64:6

I'm not trying to dismantle Christianity or prove anyone wrong.

I'm trying to understand how Christians determine which parts of Scripture are applied directly today, which are interpreted through Christ, and which are understood differently under the New Covenant.

If the Bible is one story, I want to know how the pieces fit together rather than assuming they do.

I’m doing my best to understand the hermeneutics: How should Scripture be interpreted?

I'm not asking these questions because I reject the Bible. I'm asking them because I take it seriously enough to want to understand it on its own terms rather than simply accepting whatever interpretation I inherited.

I live with schizoaffective disorder. Without medication, my mind becomes delusional. I’m going to share something personal and something I haven’t really talked about.

In 2021, I was re-diagnosed as schizoaffective from bipolar disorder. I was unclear why the doctors had recategorized me, but last night it made complete sense.

As you’ve noticed, I’ve been deconstructing and reconstructing my faith through my posts.

I’ve talked about Christianity and Judaism and leaning more towards Judaism in practice than I do Christianity.

Which is fine. I have a deep respect for the Jewish people and their philosophy. But let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a Jew, nor do I intend to be one.

As I said, I wonder why doctors at the time thought I had a thought disorder and a mood disorder such as schizoaffective.

It makes sense now as I have been reflecting on everything, and it’s because I had a hyperfocus and delusion of Judaism, thinking I was chosen and that I was an actual Jew.

I was hospitalized twice in 2021. Once in May for a couple of weeks and the second in June after my suicide attempt.

The first visit was because I was manic and in active psychosis. I thought things like the Earth as an organism, and we are its cells.

I thought there was a second coming that I orchestrated and that my family was chosen to usher in a new age.

And then I thought I was a Jew because a Jewish supervisor told me I was a Tzadik back in 2018 when I was working as a garage door tech.

It got to my head, and I ran with it.

I believe I am a good person with flaws like thinking I am God or Christ or believing I can change people.

My point is this: when I was in a controlled environment in the hospital, I still exhibited delusional behaviors, and that’s why I was diagnosed with schizoaffective and it makes complete sense now.

It’s completely rare and uncommon that someone with my condition can rationalize and have insight into why they are delusional and why they have their diagnosis.

There’s a term called anosognosia, where it’s the inability neurologically to understand why a person has a condition.

For the mental illness community, it’s prevalent.

Anyway, that’s my heart and my insight that I recently discovered last night. It’s funny because I went out of my way wearing the Star of David, buying tzitzit, buying a yarmulke, buying a prayer shawl, and going kosher.

That was last year and this year too, so I still had the delusion even after being medicated.

I no longer practice those things, and I really don’t want to practice Judaism at all. But I recognized the obsession and the delusion.

I do want to get this off my chest, though.

I don’t believe I need a personal relationship with Jesus, nor do I believe in the New Testament. I don’t believe I have to worship Jesus as God, and I don’t believe in the Trinity.

So where does this lead me?

Should I believe there is no God and become an atheist?

Nope. I do believe in the Creator, and I do have direct access to Him. I don’t need a mediator to commune with Him.

I also believe in the Noahide principles.

These are not complex religious rituals; they are a bedrock of basic human morality and divine order.

1. Do not worship idols: (Acknowledge and worship only the One Supreme Creator).

2. Do not blaspheme: (Do not curse or desecrate the name of God).

3. Do not murder: (Respect human life as an image of God).

4. Do not steal: (Respect the property, rights, and livelihood of others).

5. Do not commit sexual immorality: (Maintain healthy, moral family structures and boundaries).

6. Do not eat flesh taken from a live animal: (Show compassion and avoid unnecessary cruelty to animals).

7. Establish courts of justice: (Build a fair, functional society that enforces moral law and protects the innocent).

I’m a non-Jew, and as I said, I don’t believe I have to convert to be in right standing before God or the community or to be a good person.

But that’s a little about me. I’m open to change, but the evidence about Jesus is pretty clear, and my new mindset makes logical sense, and I feel comfortable in my decision to walk away from Christianity.

Thanks for walking with me and witnessing my thoughts change over time. It’s been a pleasure to document all this.

If you haven’t noticed already, I constantly wrestle with the reality of this world and different faith systems.

Some days I wonder if I have actual belief in God or Jesus; other days I submit to something far bigger than myself. But as I study Judaism, I find a deep appreciation for its structure—it makes far more sense to me than standard Christian theology. Maybe one day I’ll begin a formal journey to convert to Judaism. But that’s a marathon, not a sprint, and it requires a serious commitment.

Today, I want to dive into some Jewish philosophy and break down the fundamental differences between mainstream Christianity and Jewish thought.

Before I begin, I want to share a core piece of who I am: I believe your behavior and character determine who you are—not what you profess to believe.

Show me your actions, and I’ll show you your heart. If your daily life isn’t congruent with what you profess, it’s time to reexamine who you are and why you believe what you believe.

The Foundation of Modern Christianity: Faith Alone

To understand where modern Christianity gets its view of human nature, we have to look at thinkers like Martin Luther, John Calvin, and Saint Augustine.

Martin Luther built the entire Protestant Reformation around the Latin phrase Sola Fide, which literally means “Faith Alone.”

For Luther, human beings were so fundamentally flawed (Total Depravity) that no amount of good deeds, self-discipline, or ethical living could ever make them “good” in God’s eyes. Salvation was a free gift received purely through mental belief and trust in Jesus—completely severed from a person’s physical actions or works.

While Luther saw this as liberating, it created a massive cultural side-effect: it severed action from identity. When a system preaches that your daily conduct doesn’t affect your fundamental standing, it opens the door for people to treat character, self-mastery, and behavioral discipline as optional side projects rather than the main event.

The Dark Side of Reformation History

It’s difficult to face, but Martin Luther was also a virulent antisemite.

Earlier in his career, in 1523, Luther wrote a treatise titled That Jesus Christ Was Born a Jew, criticizing the Catholic Church for treating Jewish people poorly. However, his tolerance was conditional: he believed that once Christianity was “reformed,” Jewish people would convert en masse to his new movement.

When Jewish communities predictably rejected his theology, Luther turned intensely hostile. In 1543, three years before his death, he published a 65,000-word treatise titled On the Jews and Their Lies. In it, he advocated for horrific, concrete violence:

• Burning down synagogues and Jewish schools.

• Destroying Jewish homes and prayer books.

• Forbidding rabbis from teaching under threat of death.

• Stripping legal protections, confiscating property, and forcing Jewish people into hard labor.

• Explicitly writing that Christians were “at fault for not slaying them.”

Four centuries later, the Nazi regime explicitly weaponized Luther’s late writings, displaying copies of On the Jews and Their Lies at the Nuremberg rallies as historical justification for their atrocities. (In modern times, most major Lutheran denominations have formally denounced and repudiated these texts.)

It raises a serious question: How can a system built on “faith alone” separate a founding theologian’s abstract doctrines from such destructive real-world hatred?

Replacement Theology: Augustine and Calvin

If we look at John Calvin and Saint Augustine, we see a similar underlying pattern: Supersessionism (or “Replacement Theology”)—the belief that the Church replaced Israel, that Jewish observance of the Law became obsolete, and that Jewish suffering was divine punishment.

• Saint Augustine (354–430 CE): Augustine established the policy that Christians must not kill Jews, but his reasoning was degrading: he argued Jewish people were meant to survive in a state of subjugation and misery as a living “witness” to the consequences of rejecting Jesus.

• John Calvin (1509–1564): While Calvin insisted on human depravity across the board and didn’t call for violence, he still viewed living Jewish practice (Halakha) as “stubborn,” “blind,” and spiritually dead.

Neither Augustine nor Calvin published genocidal pamphlets as Luther did, but both operated inside a framework where a person’s real-world behavioral integrity (Ma’aseh) was secondary to whether they held the “correct” abstract theology.

Moving Beyond “Faith Alone”

I don’t believe in Calvinism or Original Sin. I don’t believe I need a blood sacrifice to cleanse me, nor do I build my life around escaping to Heaven or Hell. I don’t have empirical evidence for an afterlife, and I’m not concerned with obsessing over it.

I care about accountability right now in this physical world.

Is it “works”? Absolutely. Your actions and deeds are what determine who you are as a person and validate what you believe—not a prayer of salvation or a verbal profession.

This is where Jewish philosophy stands in stark contrast to Protestantism.

The Jewish Framework: Action-First Ethics

Judaism is a religion of Halakha (walking/acting) and Mitzvot (concrete actions). Faith (Emunah) in Jewish thought isn’t an abstract feeling or intellectual agreement; it means faithfulness—how you actually show up and execute. (Even the New Testament writer James, writing from a deeply Jewish background, argued that “faith without works is dead.”)

Here are the core pillars of this framework:

1. Dual Inclinations and Agency

In Jewish thought, humans aren’t born fundamentally broken. We are born with two inclinations:

• Yetzer HaTov: The inclination toward good, order, and responsibility.

• Yetzer HaRa: The inclination toward self-gratification and chaos.

You possess complete agency and free will to master these inclinations through discipline and choice.

2. Olam HaZeh (This World)

Traditional Judaism focuses almost entirely on Olam HaZeh—this physical world, right here, right now—rather than Olam HaBa (The World to Come).

• The present moment is what counts: The job site, your daily habits, and your relationships are the main stage, not a dress rehearsal for Heaven.

• Purpose is found in action: Your duty isn’t to escape this life, but to actively build integrity, do good work, and bring order to the world around you today.

In ancient Hebrew, “Good” (Tov) literally means functional, complete, and working as intended. Conversely, “Sin” (Chet) translates to “missing the mark”—it is dysfunction.

3. Teshuva: Actionable Course Correction

When you “miss the mark,” Judaism doesn’t ask for abstract guilt. It requires Teshuva—a concrete, four-step process of returning to alignment:

1. Vidui (Acknowledgment): Be completely honest with yourself. “I messed up, or I fell into a bad pattern.”

2. Charata (Regret): Recognize that the action was dysfunctional and inconsistent with who you want to be.

3. Azivat HaChet (Stopping the Behavior): Cut off the habit in real-time.

4. Kabbalah L’Atid (Future Commitment): Build a clear plan so that when temptation arises again, you choose differently.

4. Daily Principles for the Real World

• Mitzvah (מִצְוָה): An ethical deed. Performing a functional, good act in the physical world connects you to purpose, regardless of how you “feel” inside at that exact moment.

• Derech Eretz (דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ): “The way of the land.” This refers to decency, professionalism, and a strong work ethic. Before high theology, a person is expected to carry their weight, show up on time, and act with basic decency.

• Kavanah (כַּוָּנָה): Intentional focus. Bringing your full presence and mind to the task in front of you—whether sweeping a floor, carrying a ladder, or turning down a cheap distraction.

Character is Built from the Outside In

Instead of waiting to feel “holy” or “saved” before acting right, Jewish ethics teaches that your actions shape your mind.

When you practice self-mastery (Hitpa’el), stay sober, and treat people with fairness (Tzedek), those physical, real-world choices literally forge who you are as a man. God isn’t found by staring at the clouds waiting for a sign; purpose is found in how you treat your neighbor, how honest you are in business, and how disciplined you remain in private.

In many modern frameworks, there is a subtle separation between a person’s “spiritual status” and their daily conduct. You can claim a personal relationship with God on Sunday and act with zero integrity on Monday because the system framed salvation around what you believe rather than how you discipline yourself.

An Action-First framework (Ma’aseh) rejects that split. You cannot separate the tree from its fruit. If a system or a person produces real-world dysfunction and cruelty, the system has failed in practice.

Integrity isn’t an abstract idea—it’s proven by how you show up and execute every single day.

Years ago, I shared that I wasn’t a Christian because I was deep into one of my addictions, and I was completely trapped and isolated.

The shame and guilt halted me, and I wanted to end my life because I felt like whatever I did, whether that was confessing or repenting, it was never enough.

I felt like there was no point of return for me.

The weight of my suicide attempt fell over my addiction to porn and being a filthy person who constantly fell short of the standard.

It was in that moment I shared that I wasn’t a Christian. I didn’t fit the mold of church, and I didn’t want to go to church, read my Bible, or pray.

So how much was I a Christian then?

The questions for me are the following:

Are you able to forgive without following Jesus?

Are you able to love without following Jesus?

Are you able to have empathy without following Jesus?

Does Jesus eliminate my sin?

What is sin?

Am I born in it?

Is there any goodness on Earth?

Do you need goodness with the knowledge of Jesus?

Can I be a good person?

Can I stop drinking, smoking, looking at porn, and lose weight all the while not believing Jesus?

If I can do all those things without believing in Jesus, then what’s the point of following Jesus?

Is it words or actions that matter?

If I confess Jesus, but do not love my neighbor or forgive, then am I a Christian?

Likewise, if I don’t confess Jesus, but love my neighbor and forgive them, then am I a Christian?

If I denounce Christianity, but stop looking at porn, stop smoking cigarettes, become healthy, treat my body as a temple, forgive my neighbor, love my neighbor, and feed the poor and the lowly, then am I going to Hell?

If you say yes, then I’d like for you to rethink your position as a Christian and what it means.

Going to Heaven isn’t by confession or saying a prayer of salvation on a Sunday.

Nor is it becoming a member of a church, reading your Bible, or praying that will save you.

You cannot do anything to be saved.

Let’s look at two people:

The Christian who understands Greek and Hebrew, goes to Seminary, attends Church every Sunday, and prays all the time. Yet cannot stop watching porn, lies to cover up his habit, and has a hard time forgiving his family and doesn’t love the poor. He says the prayer of salvation and does his best to follow the rules. Is he going to Heaven?

Then you take a person who doesn’t follow Jesus and even denounces Him, but yet loves his fellow human, cares for the poor, forgives his neighbor, doesn’t practice porn, is not a glutton, doesn’t smoke. Is he going to Heaven?

I know this is binary, and people are way more complicated than this, but if there is a good and just God, he’s not going to look at a religious hypocrite who uses Jesus to get into Heaven and rejects the person who embodies Christ's life.

When you look at Matthew 25.

When did we serve Jesus?

The answer in that story is as beautiful as it is terrifying to the religious establishment: “Whatever you did for one of the least of these, you did for me.”

It turns out, the King wasn’t looking for a brand name or a confession of faith. He was looking for a cup of water given to a thirsty soul.

The ultimate irony of my life is that the religious system made salvation entirely about a transaction of words, while the universe operates on the currency of action.

They taught me to fear a legalistic trap, all while ignoring the fact that their version of “faith” left people trapped in the same cycles of secret shame, hypocrisy, and despair that almost took my life years ago.

So where does that leave me on this Sunday afternoon?

It leaves me standing outside the cage.

If choosing to be an “unbeliever” means I finally have the clarity to respect my body, the strength to conquer my addictions, and the genuine capacity to love and forgive the people around me, then I accept the title.

I will no longer let a system define me as “filthy” just because I refuse to play their game of fear-induced performance.

I am stepping away from the altar of cheap words.

I don’t need a religious label to be a man of integrity. I don’t need the threat of hell to compel me to be kind, and I don’t need the promise of a golden ticket to make me treat my body like a temple.

Goodness doesn’t belong to the church; it belongs to the people who actually choose to live it.

If a just and loving God exists, He will recognize His own reflection in a life lived with love, service, and sobriety—regardless of the name on the building I didn’t walk into.

And if He doesn’t? If a Creator would truly condemn a man for choosing radical honesty, health, and love over a blind, hypocritical contract? Then that is not a God worthy of a sovereign man’s worship anyway.

The panic button they installed in my brain is losing its power. The old security alarms are ringing, but the door is wide open, and I am walking through it.

I am choosing the substance over the shadow. I am choosing reality over the label. I am choosing life.