That’s what my Dad said when I asked him for advice on life.

That’s what I’m going to do. Plug in my AirPods and get lost in the EDM trance.

My dad, if anyone remembers him, was kind, stern, yet gentle.

Growing up, there was a wall emotionally with him. I wasn’t friends with my father, and he never wanted me to be. He was my dad, and I needed to respect him.

In my twenties, I had looked after him because he was declining in health. But he was persistent, and he knew what he wanted. He never wanted pity or a handout.

I love the guy.

He is my hero because he also left Christianity, or at least the church, and sought to make his own life.

He had girlfriends, and I’m sure he enjoyed himself.

All that to say. My dad was a saint in my book, and I respect him. He was in his forties when he started to leave the church and spent his life chasing happiness through contra dancing.

He was a good man, and I want to follow his example.

He never ranted online about his feelings. Thought he didn’t like Trump, and he was vocal about that with me.

I wish I had joined him in the anger earlier, before he died.

Fuck Trump. :D

Anyway, I guess that's me today. I want to let my hair down and dance.

Life is too short to ruminate.

I disagree with people, and that’s okay.

I understand that it’s not okay to publicly defame somebody because we disagree.

I’m still learning. Even if I have a small audience. I should be wise with what I say and how I say it.

Keep dancing, happy Sunday!

~ Barnaby

I was told at one point, a whisper over my shoulder, “Be patient, but be persistent.”

It was the father of my first crush at 16 who told me that. I was young; I was open to love and to pursuing my first girlfriend.

She was all I thought about. I wanted to impress her. I wanted to know that she could be mine.

No matter how long I wait, she will always be ahead of me.

Like a great divide, I stand in the doorway, unable to walk through the door.

I closed the door this time, unable to share my love with her, anyone, or myself.

These days I lie there, silent in my bed, my head wondering: how did I get here?

Instead of love inverted, all my mind is filled with disappointment.

How could you? Why did you? What were you thinking?

Questions reverberated over and over again.

Barnaby, the moment won’t last. The Crown Royal will eventually leave your system. That cigarette will run out. The sleep you look forward to will eventually be interrupted.

Today, I see myself as a person. Before, a monster, but now a weak person.

It would be easy to say, “I hate myself.”

But let me put it into pictures.

The hate I feel is like rolling in mud and settling that no matter how clean I get, I’m still a pig.

My identity is like a homeless person begging for a dollar, so he can buy a loose cigarette for a momentary pleasure.

That cigarette is the escape from the tragic events that have taken place in my life.

From getting kicked out of school, to my parents divorcing, to getting a tooth knocked out after an assault in a mental hospital.

This is a part of my story. I survived, but I have the scars.

My scars write these words. They tell the story of a man who survived the worst, like his sister’s murder or his father’s death.

They tell a story of a child told he was never good enough, bullied in school, or trying to impress the grown-ups in his life.

All of that led him here today, sitting in his room writing a poem about whether he would be patient and persistent.

Is it pain? Is it sorrow? Is it hate?

Are all these questions the answer to my hurt?

The words, “Be patient, but be persistent,” circle again and again.

But what if I have been patient, and what has been paid for my persistence?

Keep going, don’t stop, never give up, and don’t be so hard on yourself.

She will come. Keep working on yourself.

That’s the other voice within me, the keeper.

The keeper keeps me safe.

What’s the difference between a symptom and a sentence?

Tonight I am okay. I have to put this disclaimer because there are people who’d call 988 asking for a welfare check.

I’d appreciate a call from said person before a dramatic 988 call. I’m not suicidal. I don’t have thoughts of suicide.

I hate for sure. I hate you.

I wish you, the reader, would be gone.

Go on… I said I hate you…

Oh, you’re still here?

Well, tonight, you should know me as Barnaby the Misanthropic.

MUAHHAHAHAHA.

I HATE ALL OF YOU.

Now we ask the question again: what’s the difference between a symptom and a sentence?

Was that a symptom of schizoaffective disorder translating into words on a screen?

Tonight, my first hateful thing to do is to steal your time!!! MUAHAHAHAHA.

I will bore you with things I’ve learned today. SUCH AS!

Safety and acceptance create a space for creativity.

You cannot be creative, or it's very hard to be creative when you’re in survival.

Did you just LEARN SOMETHING!?

MUAHAHAHA, I SHALL FILL YOU WITH MORE THINGS I’VE LEARNED TODAY!!!

You know why!?

Because I hate you…. And I hate you so much that you're still here reading this article…

Rick Rubin inspired me today after talking about his collaboration with Jay-Z on the song “I Got 99 Problems”, and it led me to his 2017 album 4:44.

Rick talked about creativity as an invitation or a force to be met with. And today Rick and Jay Z invited me to write Bye Barnaby a poem.

I was safe and accepted enough today to be creative and write a poem to share with the world.

This is bugging me, but if you’re ever concerned about my welfare because of something I wrote, just send a goddamn text or call and find out.

Don’t escalate to 988 or the police.

I don’t like how expressions of creativity are a crime while being influenced by a thought and mood disorder.

If you want to see schizophrenic/bipolar writing, I’ll be more than happy to produce it.

It sounds fun.

So here we go…

Actually, it’s harder to do. If I am ever symptomatic with my illness, you’ll know because I won’t give insight or disclaimers in the writing.

Or maybe I’d remember that. But it would look and sound unbalanced.

Anyway, I am starting to hate again. Doesn’t mean I am conspiring to hurt anyone or myself.

I stumbled upon this insight called self-contempt. And the definition of self-contempt is a strong emotional state characterized by a deep lack of respect, cold rejection, and scorn toward oneself, viewing one's real self as despicable or falling drastically short of an ideal self.

If you ever wonder about me and my mind, well, I hate myself.

I have for a long time. I don’t want to die because I do hope that one day I can love myself more than anyone.

But right now, I have a whole lot of self-contempt. AND DON’T YOU WORRY!

I’m bringing it to my therapist Friday.

I am falling and have been falling short of my ideal self for a long time.

I don’t respect myself; I constantly reject myself inwardly, and I have scorn for myself.

So no, I don’t hate you; I have too much hate for myself for not meeting my own standards.

Anyway, that’s all I got. You wasted your time tonight with a guy who hates himself and has self-contempt.

Maybe ask why and learn more? Or stay silent. Freedom is a bitch, huh?

This poem was inspired by the song “Kill Jay-Z " from his album 4:44. I am safe, and I’m not having any thoughts of harming myself. If you are concerned, call me if you have my number or message me. Enjoy.

Kill Barnaby…

They’ll never love you; you’ll never be enough.

Let’s keep it real, Barnaby.

Fuck Barnaby…

He said Fuck. Not only did he say Fuck he cursed his God

Ain’t he a Christian?

He might be crazy.

Yes, he might have an episode.

What was that he said?

Oh, Schizo

Yeah, he has a schizophrenic mind, or was it bipolar?

No matter, the balance of his thoughts is too much.

The social scale has been tipped.

He’s talking about people hurting.

The pain is real.

Yet to peel the hurt publicly is too much.

Is everybody crazy?

Funny how an institutionally insane is questioning the insanity of you…

Barnaby?

What happened to your heart?

What happened to your passion to never depart?

Jesus saves; He’ll never let you go?

Let me start…

Christian love is hate.

Fuck, what's wrong with everyone?

I let go of Jesus; it was all a charade.

And then Creativity has been drained from us.

We out here in survival.

Not painting our words onto this canvas, making a blank into a Picasso.

We in the Blue period: these words written in poverty. Not a dollar to my name.

This poem is covered in Jay-Z blue.

Written at 4:44.

Die Barnaby…

No need for an alibi, Barnaby…

Your words are like knives thrown.

They pierce the heart and provoke a spark of anger.

I am disappointed in you, Barnaby

You’re in a bad place, Barnaby

Who are you, Barnaby?

Did you take your meds, Barnaby?

Cry Barnaby…

You know the pain is real, but numb to it.

Cut off from friends who I thought would be there for me.

You’ll die alone, Barnaby.

What’s up, Barnaby…

You know they loved you when you were on fire for Christ?

They loved the pew Barnaby.

They loved you. You were invincible; you had principle.

Nah, Barnaby, Bye Barnaby…

Well, I don’t want to pretend as if everything is okay.

If you didn’t read the last post, I responded to an indivual who I saw as a father who dismissed me based on a past article out of anger.

Which I rewrote, but that’s not the point.

Tonight I spoke with a good friend, Huwerl Thornton, from the same church as the person who reacted to me earlier this week.

He heard me out, and he apologized for it happening. He understood the anger and frustration and said it was okay.

We talked for over an hour.

I have love for him and even that indivual that hurt me.

Both of them have been there for me in their own way, so I don’t want to minimize it.

I’m still angry, and I'm still frustrated.

I know what I’ve said about Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit. I know the men I listed who hurt me in the church.

This is years of hurt and perceived neglect that I have felt from my family, friends, and church over the years.

I’m going to do my best to articulate how I am feeling.

I want there to be a God.

I want to be accepted by a just and holy God.

I understand that it’s by accepting His Son's sacrifice on the cross.

But you know what? That’s really weird.

Not a day in my life have I partaken of or seen an animal sacrificed for sins to a deity yet alone a human being whom I never met.

For most of my adult life, I thought I was a piece of shit.

It’s one of the reasons why I attempted suicide when I was 30, five years ago.

Another reason why I attempted suicide is that I had a terrible porn habit that felt like I couldn’t stop, and I felt like a terrible person because I thought I was objectifying women and not being pure before a Holy God.

There was no one way but to sacrifice my life to appease Him.

Which I thought this in my heart.

I remembered the Barnaby who was kicked out of Liberty.

The Barnaby who got kicked off LinkedIn.

The Barnaby who said a lot of weird and crass things in my psychotic and manic moment.

The Barnaby who was bullied.

The Barnaby who was punished by his Dad for not listening.

And so on.

That’s the Barnaby I play in my mind. The burden Barnaby. The one that’s a burden on people. A burden on himself for not meeting the standards in the leadership program as a kid.

The Barnaby who is emotional, who cried coming back from Haiti because of the suffering of others.

Men don’t cry. Especially for people that they don’t know.

And yet in my mind I thought I was weak.

This is all I got. This medium for sharing my thoughts.

I’m 35, and hollowed. I don’t feel or experience pleasure as I used to in my life because of my medications.

Invega is a D2 receptor blocker.

I don’t produce dopamine like a normal person.

Do you know understand that? My brain chemistry is altered by the meds I take so I can live a manageable life without becoming psychotic or delusional.

To not hear the voices of despair and killing myself over and over and over again.

Let’s have a psychology session for a second. I want to share what I experience as a person living with a brain chemistry disorder.

It’s called the 5 A’s

Alogia

Avolotion

Anhedonia

Asociality

Blunted Affect

These are negative symptoms of my disorder. I have all of them at some point in my life.

That’s what I deal with, so GODFORBID I write something out of anger for a system I grew up in after dealing with those symptoms and having air to breathe after drowning and yelling out of despair and crying out for help for someone to recognize I was drowning.

To look past the temper tantrum and allow me to cry again. Which, by the way, I can’t. Even when my father died and my sister was murdered. I couldn’t cry.

So please, anyone who is reading this. I’m not trying to be hurtful or bitter.

I’m tired. I’m doing my best to manage a serious mental illness on top of making wise decisions and doing the right thing.

So yes, I have said weird things. Yes, I have said hurtful things.

But did I say what Psalm 137:9 said?

Read it and get back to me.

“Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks"

In context or out of context, that is a shitty and extreme thing to say out of vengeance.

I have never said anything like that and will never say anything like that, but that’s in the Bible, and that’s okay.

Or a concubine being cut up into twelve pieces and sent to the twelve tribes of Israel.

Judges 19.

My point is that the Bible, which everyone talks about grace and forgiveness, is the same bible that has these stories in it.

Also, Jesus called a Canaanite woman a dog; let’s not forget that.

My point is, compared to others, I’m a good person.

And I guess that’s my point of this article: I am a good person with a good heart, and I’m okay.

I know I’ve messed up, but I’m not a used tampon, and my heart is not wicked.

No, I am good. That’s it. And tired, but still good.

So I wish you well. I don’t know who reads this or if anyone cares about my stupid website or Substack.

But I like to write, and here I am writing again.

I don’t want to lose my voice.

~ Barnaby

John Wood: “I’m sorry, Barnaby, I can’t agree to have you be a part of my Life Group. I’m concerned for you, and you’re not in a good place.”

Barnaby: “What are you talking about?”

John Wood: “The article you wrote saying fuck Alfred Watts, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Church.”

Barnaby: “ Ah, okay, have a good one.”

Guilty, I said those things, and at the time I meant them. I rewrote that article, by the way.

I realized it was immature of me to go on the internet for a whole bunch of strangers to hear and see my angry verbal rant.

However, I’m going to push back to John. He’s a leader at Cornerstone Christian Center. Works for Alfred Watts.

He complains openly about his job working for the church, on top of his personal sins to his Life Group. He complains about Alfred.

Yet, that’s okay.

Look, when I was a Christian, I said Fuck GOD whenever I looked at porn, got drunk, smoked weed, and, hell, smoked a cigarette.

Cornerstone Christian Center is a place where Grace is more than a Word. Yet today it was a word.

No asking questions. No follow-up. Just a dismissal because I had one angry moment on the internet.

I know Cornerstone inside and out. I grew up there. I went to Liberty University, a Christian University by Jerry Falwell.

I got kicked out because I had a sickness that disturbed my behaviors and was brushed under the rug.

No support. No help. Just a bill for student loans that I had to pay back.

There is nothing like hate like Christian love.

Fine, John, if you want to disassociate yourself from me. I get it.

And if you’re a leader in the church and you just dismiss me when you weren’t there when I attempted suicide.

Yet not do it when I was looking at porn actively. Fine.

It’s hypocritical.

Everything can be forgiven, but GODFORBID you say something in anger and use profanity, and the manipulation and the utter hypocrisy of Christians by saying FUCK the Church and FUCK Alfred D. Watts; then I’m okay with not going to a multi-million dollar business on Sundays.

He said I’m not in a good place.

In fact, I’m in the best place of my life. No binge drinking constantly, no smoking weed or cigarettes, no looking at porn.

I’ve read 5 books in the past month.

My creativity has been more there than it has ever been.

I no longer feel Christian shame and guilt.

I’m honest with myself.

I didn’t want to pretend anymore. I wasn’t one of you. You were the hypocrites.

I lived honestly and realized I didn’t meet the standards of Christ.

If you’re wondering where I stand now after having the brief dismissal from John Wood, I’m glad I made my decision to leave the business of institutional Christianity.

Sorry, not sorry for being honest with myself and others.

Hate me all you want for saying profane things against the church, but don’t pretend to hug me and love on me when I needed you there the most.

Where was anyone when I attempted suicide? When I was in psychosis, mania, when I got kicked out of a CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY, when I had an episode of mental illness.

Nowhere. In your pews, praying to a God who has no evidence for his existence and doesn’t talk back.

I’m in the best place of my life.

Check yourself. The level of lack of self-awareness is astounding among Christians.

You’re so ready to say Mark 3:29 for blasphemy, but you do it when you constantly get drunk, look at porn, lie, or whatever sin you “struggle” with.

I don’t believe in God, and this makes me want to never go back to church.

I confided in John Wood; I looked up to him as a father and told him my personal struggles.

And this is what I get: a post with no follow-up questions or grace.

Get the fuck out of here.

Love,

Barnaby

Barncat thinking….

“I’ve connected to Vercel and set up a tracker for you. What do you think?”

This is the day and age we live in. We have technology like Muse by Meta to set up a system of accountability and to measure our goals.

I’ve been playing around with Muse since September 19th, unsure of its capabilities.

It’s an agentic superintelligence, not another chatbot.

Since September, I have had it apply for jobs for me and set up an app to track my jobs. See the image below.

Every time I get an update in my email about a rejection of a lead, Barncat updates the job tracker.

Barncat is the name I gave Muse. It’s my sales BDR alter ego that is now it’s my personal assistant.

This is the power we have today with our phones.

What’s interesting is the use case that I’m using Barncat for now. I’ve set it up for reminders throughout the day and added agendas to my calendar to hold me accountable.

As you can see, Barncat told me it was my last walk of the day, so I needed to put my shoes on and clock it in. It even had a timer within the app to use.

Not only does it apply for jobs for me by sending resumes and cover letters through its own browser or tell me when to walk, but it can also build a playlist on Spotify.

Living with Schizoaffective disorder has some effect on my prefrontal cortex. The executive function of the brain.

I use Barncat to help with my executive function and to get me to take action.

If you have problems with discipline, Muse may help you iron out your behaviors and make you more consistent if you allow it.

SI as an external executive-function system: using technology to turn intentions into observable behavior.

This all goes back to my theory of Recursive Identity Modulation, which I came up with last year.

In essence, we a spiral of behaviors, a prior cause behind another prior cause. Turtles on turtles all the way down. IYKYK.

So we are in a recursive spiral, and as we become self-aware of our behaviors, we then get to modulate our behaviors, affecting where the spiral goes.

RIM gave me the mindset of how we dictate our behaviors as I learned about determinism.

Determinism says we are fixed and everything is predetermined.

I agree; I don’t have free will. Or, if I do, then it’s very little.

Self-awareness is the prior cause of change in the structure.

We are all made up of prior causes; yesterday's decisions affect today’s actions.

Hence RIM. It’s a recursive structure we find our lives in.

It’s something to think about, but if anything to take away from this article is to be open to new technology and test it.

I was open, and now I’m seeing the benefits of it.

Anyway, till next time.

~Barnaby

I founded The Shelter Initiative, an idea that I have been sitting on for the past year.

I need your help.

Essentially it’s to help people who are unhoused to give them the proper support fast and efficiently.

I have some big plans that I want to start developing, but first is the paperwork.

I’m looking for partners to help establish TSI as an official non-profit in the state of CT.

Below is a link to the GoFundMe campaign. The goal is $1,000 to help with filing the paperwork and to have a buffer to get the non-profit off the ground.

Will you help me help the unhoused in New Haven?

Sharing the campaign will help me a lot!

Thank you, let’s fight homelessness together!

https://gofund.me/ba6f7fa48

Recently, I read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, and it was a great read; Dan did not disappoint.

The book’s central premise and source of controversy was that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and they had a child together. The Holy Grail was the living lineage of Jesus’ descendants.

It was a ride and full of surprises. I won’t spoil it.

Anyway, the book leaned more towards the divine feminine and regarded Mary as the mother of the Church of Christ.

As a person who is currently reorienting everything from politics to ethics to faith, I find it fascinating how I’m navigating everything.

I also recently viewed the documentary called Christspiracy, which can be viewed here.

This one was interesting because filmmakers Kip Andersen and Kameron Waters expose unforgiving truths about animal cruelty in the name of religion.

It got a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes, and I’d say it’s compelling and worth the time to watch.

I would say Kip is a known activist against harm to animals and eating meat. He documented his convictions in other films.

The central premise and question of the film is:

Is there a spiritual way to kill an animal, and how would Jesus kill an animal?

It was interesting to watch, and, dear reader, I am easily persuaded by ideas, and my mind obsesses and tries to do its best to apply new information as often and as much as I can.

After watching the film, and getting through the most grotesque scene by looking away, I ended with the conviction that I’d like to go vegetarian at first and vegan later.

The film resonated with me emotionally, which provoked me to respond with urgency to change something in my life.

Ease into it, you know?

I wonder where the mindset comes from? After watching the film, I can see how the culture has dominion over animals and weaker beings.

Now, I don’t particularly lean towards a religious side, or at least a Christian side right now.

Here’s how this connects.

I am listening to The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler.

In The Da Vinci Code, Robert Langdon talks about the chalice and a symbol for the Holy Grail.

I learned about the chalice and blade concept from the book, so I bought it.

So far I’m learning a lot; the chalice represents partnership and the blade represents domination.

The way I look at it is that the blade is the ultimate way of dominating over animals and slaughtering animals. The chalice is the more vegetarian way of creating harmony and partnership with living beings.

Now this is my interpretation of the chalice and the blade, not necessarily Riane's view of the dominion of animals being the blade or vegetarianism being the chalice.

Riane explores the idea that in early human history we operated in more of a partnership society, worshipping the divine feminine.

The chalice understanding really resonates with me. Whether societies actually lived in partnership with each other is unclear, but I do feel like there is a rise of the chalice again with the wave of women's rights taking the stage in mainstream media.

By consuming these ideas and materials this week, it has fueled my reorientation more and allowed me to think more about how to live in harmony within society and ourselves.

I want to live with the chalice rather than the blade. I want to create partnership rather than dominate over others.

/kəmˈpendēəs/

Compendious is an adjective that means containing all necessary details or substance in a brief, concise, and comprehensive way.

Definition and Usage

• Core meaning: Short and complete, presenting the main points or essential facts without extra fluff.

• Modern shift: While it historically meant strictly brief or abridged, it is often used today to describe works that are broad and thorough in scope. [1, 2]

• Example: “She wrote a compendious summary of the historical event.”

Synonyms

• Comprehensive

• Concise

• Succinct

• Summary

• Brief [1, 2]

Definition: Something said or written that does not make sense, such as a bad argument or a silly claim.

Used in a sentence: “Do not listen to his stories; it is all pure balderdash.”

Top Synonyms:

• Nonsense: Foolish or meaningless words or ideas.

• Rubbish: Waste or worthless writing/speech.

• Hogwash: Meaningless or fraudulent talk.

• Poppycock: Ridiculous or empty talk.

• Bosh: Silly or foolish talk.

• Baloney: Preposterous talk or nonsense.

• Twaddle: Trivial or foolish speech.

• Drivel: Sucking/meaningless chatter or silly nonsense.

This week, I decided to leave the M.A.T.C.H. training program, a pre-apprenticeship in manufacturing.

I completed 3 out of 5 weeks of the program. I became OSHA 10 certified and forklift certified. I passed all my modules, and I made a wooden amplifier using a bandsaw, crazy glue, and a drill press.

I decided to leave because of my integrity, and I didn’t feel competent enough to represent myself as ready for manufacturing work.

Last Thursday I had an interview with a local manufacturing company to help with their factory work.

I was given a tour of the factory, and the manager walked with me, reviewing my resume.

He liked what he saw, and he liked that I was willing to put in the work.

The only problem was I didn’t complete the program, and I felt uncomfortable measuring and doing math.

Proverbs 11:3: “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.”

My integrity guides me, even though I may not have a Christian background anymore; that doesn’t mean the lessons of the Bible are disregarded.

I used AI for the modules to help study and pass the test.

Now, did I learn, for sure? If I was honest with myself about what I learned, it was too rushed for me to comprehend the material.

There was a lot of math involved, a lot of processes within the shop, and I rushed through so I could graduate on time.

AI is great, but if you don’t know what you’re talking about and use AI to take tests for you, you’ll eventually get caught with the gap in your knowledge.

Proverbs 20:7: “The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them.”

I want to live a blameless life; I want to be as congruent as possible, and I want to live with integrity.

I know if I had more time to learn the machines and understand the shop math, I could confidently share my manufacturing resume.

But it would have taken 3 days out of the week for the next two weeks to get in and learn all the hands-on skills that I put on my resume.

We take one day solely applying to jobs, so that cuts down the days I’d be getting hands-on work.

It’s not enough time to learn what I need to learn.

I decided to pursue marketing and sales again, focus on my writing skills, and build a bigger audience for my newsletter.

Proverbs 28:6: “Better the poor whose walk is blameless than one whose ways are perverse though rich.”

Integrity isn’t always doing the harder thing. Sometimes integrity is refusing to pretend you’re ready when you know you’re not.

I would rather be poor with my integrity than have my ways perverse though rich.

Cold calling is simple.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

This guide is my interpretation and practice of cold calling. Some of what I’m going to tell you is supported by research. Some of it isn’t. Some of it is simply what I’ve learned from experience, instinct, and interrupting more than 30,000 people’s days.

After enough conversations, you start to notice patterns.

Here’s what I learned.

🐈 A Little About Me

My name is Barnaby, although I’ve been called Barncat for years.

I was the highest achiever at Samanage, an IT Service Management startup in North Carolina that was later acquired by SolarWinds.

We sold a cloud-based service desk and asset management solution.

I was hired to cold call, generate leads, and fill the top of the sales pipeline with approximately 12–15 booked meetings per month for my sales representative.

That meant a lot of dialing.

And a lot of people answering the phone who absolutely did not wake up that morning hoping to hear from me.

Which brings us to the fundamental question:

☎️ What Is Cold Calling?

In my own words:

Cold calling is interrupting a potential client’s day to share a value that could benefit them, if you can get them to listen for another five seconds.

That’s it.

You’re interrupting someone.

They’re busy.

They weren’t expecting you.

And you have a very small amount of time to establish why continuing the conversation might be worth their attention.

That’s why the first few seconds matter.

And one of the most important words I’ve found in cold calling is:

Because.

Not a particularly glamorous sales technique. No revolutionary neuroscience. Just one word.

Try:

“Hi, I’m calling because I have a question.”

You’ve immediately answered the prospect’s most important question:

Why are you calling me?

You’re also giving them a reason to keep listening.

Another approach I found useful was asking for help:

“Hi, I’m calling because I need some help.”

People are often more willing to engage when you aren’t immediately trying to convince them of something.

You’re starting a conversation.

🧠 Don’t Assume You Know What They Need

One of the biggest lessons I learned in cold calling was to stop assuming I knew what the prospect needed.

My job wasn’t to force someone into a predetermined conversation.

My job was to create enough space for us to figure out whether there was a reason to continue talking.

That meant asking open-ended questions.

Not:

“Are you happy with your current service desk?”

That’s a yes-or-no question.

Instead:

“When do you typically evaluate your service desk and asset management solutions?”

Now you’ve created room for a real answer.

📞 My Basic Cold Call Framework

Here’s what my approach might sound like:

“Hi, my name is Barnaby with Samanage. I’m calling because I need some help.

I’m not sure if having a cloud-based service desk and asset management solution is top of mind, but I had a question to see if we might be a resource.

When do you typically evaluate service desk and asset management solutions?”

Then:

Stop talking.

Take notes.

Listen.

Human beings have a remarkable tendency to keep talking when silence would actually be more useful.

Your job now is to understand their situation.

When does it make sense for them to evaluate a solution?

What are they currently using?

What is working?

What isn’t?

And, most importantly, is there actually a problem worth solving?

🔎 Ask One More Question

Don’t turn the call into an interrogation.

You don’t need twelve qualification questions.

Ask another question that helps you understand their situation and identify potential pain points for your sales representative.

For example:

“What are some current frustrations you have with your service desk?”

Then again:

Shut up. Take notes. Listen.

The prospect is giving you information.

Don’t interrupt the information-gathering process because you suddenly remembered another feature you wanted to mention.

📅 Closing the Call

Once you’ve heard them out and understand their needs, thank them for their time and move toward the meeting.

For example:

“When are you available to meet with our team so we can see whether we might be a fit? Does Tuesday work, or would Wednesday be better?”

Give them options.

Find a date and time that works for both sides.

Close the call.

The prospect has already spent several minutes talking with you about their situation. If there is a legitimate reason to continue the conversation, make the next step easy.

🎯 Cold Calling Isn’t About Convincing People

This is probably the most important part of my sales philosophy.

Cold calling isn’t about convincing someone to buy something.

You should be doing the research before you call.

Build a good prospect list.

Identify the people involved in evaluating the solution.

Understand the organization.

Understand the persona you’re calling.

Then call them with a legitimate reason for having a conversation.

I never thought of my job as delivering a sales pitch.

The idea of “pitching” during a cold call makes the whole process feel less human.

I’m calling to have a normal conversation with another person.

Not to verbally vomit on them.

Prospects are busy.

Respect that.

In my role at Samanage, there were plenty of times when prospects actually thanked me for calling.

That’s the goal.

You should be bringing enough potential value to the conversation that the interruption feels worthwhile.

📱 The Voicemail Rule: Brevity

You don’t need to explain your entire company in a voicemail.

I recorded my voicemail and dropped it using SalesLoft.

Here’s an example:

“Hi John, this is Barnaby with Samanage. I’m calling because I had a quick question about your service desk and asset management solution. I look forward to hearing from you.”

That’s it.

Brevity.

That’s the name of the game when leaving a voicemail or making a cold call.

Don’t over-explain yourself.

You aren’t going to close a deal in a voicemail.

You’re trying to create enough curiosity for someone to call you back.

🛡️ Objection Handling

Cold calling means hearing objections.

A lot of them.

So what is an objection?

In my own words:

An objection is anything the prospect doesn’t understand or isn’t ready to engage with.

Your job isn’t to trick someone into taking a demo.

Consider this classic exchange:

Prospect:

“We’re happy with our current system.”

Salesperson:

“I completely understand. A lot of our customers said the same thing until...”

Please stop.

They’re probably trying to get off the phone.

Don’t immediately launch into your objection-handling script.

Instead, be candid.

Understand why they gave you the objection.

You aren’t trying to overcome the objection.

You’re trying to understand it.

If someone says they’re happy with their current system, you don’t need to defeat that statement.

You can simply acknowledge it:

“Okay, that’s great. When would be a good time for me to circle back and see if we can be a resource?”

Then move on.

Your time matters too.

🧩 Frameworks Beat Scripts

This is one of the biggest distinctions I learned.

Create a framework for what you want to say.

Don’t create a script that dictates every word.

Scripts are predictable.

You’re talking to an interrupted, complicated human being whose response you cannot possibly anticipate.

The traditional model looks like this:

Prospect says X → salesperson says Y → prospect says Z → salesperson deploys objection handler #14 → meeting booked.

My model is:

Have a framework → listen → understand → respond to what is actually happening.

That’s the difference.

Sales is about listening.

Not dominating the conversation.

Not trying to pitch someone into submission.

Listening.

🚪 Learn When to Stop Selling

This is incredibly important.

You need to know when to stop.

If the prospect is clearly brushing you off, end the conversation.

You could ask when would be a better time to follow up, make a note, and move on.

There are other people you can call.

You could spend ten minutes trying to force one person into a meeting, or you could spend those ten minutes talking to someone who actually needs your help.

That’s not giving up.

That’s using your time intelligently.

🎨 Cold Calling Is Storytelling

Here’s another thing I’ve learned:

A cold caller is a storyteller who sells.

You’re sharing a narrative about how your solution could help someone.

You’re taking an abstract product and connecting it to a real-world problem.

For example, instead of saying:

“Samanage is an easy-to-use cloud-based service desk.”

I might say:

“Think about your help desk technician sitting at their desk with 20 tickets in front of them. They need to close tickets, find information about an employee’s computer, and keep track of what equipment is where. The last thing they need is to fight with the software they’re using to do their job.

Samanage was designed to make that process simple, so your technicians can spend less time figuring out the system and more time actually helping people.”

That’s painting a picture.

I’m not simply telling them what the product does.

I’m giving them a situation they can recognize.

That’s storytelling.

👁️ Help Them See It

Don’t just tell people what you sell.

Help them see it.

Use concrete language.

Describe:

• The person

• The problem

• The situation

• The frustration

• What changes when the problem is solved

You don’t need a ten-minute story.

Sometimes a few well-chosen words are enough to make someone visualize what you’re describing.

Whatever solution you’re selling, you should understand how it actually helps people.

That example isn’t a script.

It’s an example of how I synthesized what I knew about the product into a situation that a prospect could recognize.

When you sound like you’re reading instead of sharing your knowledge, people notice.

🐈‍⬛ The Barncat Cold Calling Guide

So let’s say you’re new.

You just got hired this week.

You’ve never cold-called before.

You’re hungry.

And now someone has handed you a headset and a list of people who did not ask to hear from you.

What would I teach you on your first day?

Well, this is The Barncat Cold Calling Guide.

So let’s start at the beginning.

🗂️ Pre-Call Setup

Before you make a single call, answer a few questions.

Who the hell are we calling?

Are we buying a list?

Are we building one?

Who is the target persona?

At Samanage, we were typically looking for people such as:

• IT Directors

• IT Managers

• CIOs

• CTOs

We used tools such as DiscoverOrg when building prospect lists.

But simply finding someone’s phone number isn’t enough.

You need to understand whether they’re actually a qualified prospect.

🎯 What Makes a Qualified Lead?

You need to learn enough about the prospect to determine whether there is a legitimate reason for a sales conversation.

For an ITSM solution, that might include questions like:

• How large is their service desk?

• How many technicians are using the software?

• What solution are they currently using?

• When do they evaluate new solutions?

• What problems are they experiencing?

• Who is involved in the evaluation?

The goal isn’t to collect information for the sake of collecting information.

The goal is to determine whether there is a problem we can actually help solve.

That’s where good cold calling begins.

Not with the script.

Not with the pitch.

Not with the objection-handling flowchart someone laminated and taped next to your monitor.

It begins with research, curiosity, and a reason to call.

And once you have those three things, you can finally pick up the phone.

Would you like me to turn this into a tighter LinkedIn article or a polished training guide?

make it so I can instantly copy everything

Absolutely. Here is the clean, copy-and-paste-ready version with no commentary around it. I also kept the formatting compatible with Substack.

📞 The Barncat Cold Calling Guide

How to book more meetings without sounding like a salesperson

Cold calling is simple.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

This guide is my interpretation and practice of cold calling. Some of what I’m going to tell you is supported by research. Some of it isn’t. Some of it is simply what I’ve learned from experience, instinct, and interrupting more than 30,000 people’s days.

After enough conversations, you start to notice patterns.

Here’s what I learned.

🐈 A Little About Me

My name is Barnaby, although I’ve been called Barncat for years.

I was the highest achiever at Samanage, an IT Service Management startup in North Carolina that was later acquired by SolarWinds.

We sold a cloud-based service desk and asset management solution.

I was hired to cold call, generate leads, and fill the top of the sales pipeline with approximately 12–15 booked meetings per month for my sales representative.

That meant a lot of dialing.

And a lot of people answering the phone who absolutely did not wake up that morning hoping to hear from me.

Which brings us to the fundamental question:

☎️ What Is Cold Calling?

In my own words:

Cold calling is interrupting a potential client’s day to share a value that could benefit them, if you can get them to listen for another five seconds.

That’s it.

You’re interrupting someone.

They’re busy.

They weren’t expecting you.

And you have a very small amount of time to establish why continuing the conversation might be worth their attention.

That’s why the first few seconds matter.

And one of the most important words I’ve found in cold calling is:

Because.

Not a particularly glamorous sales technique. No revolutionary neuroscience. Just one word.

Try:

“Hi, I’m calling because I have a question.”

You’ve immediately answered the prospect’s most important question:

Why are you calling me?

You’re also giving them a reason to keep listening.

Another approach I found useful was asking for help:

“Hi, I’m calling because I need some help.”

People are often more willing to engage when you aren’t immediately trying to convince them of something.

You’re starting a conversation.

🧠 Don’t Assume You Know What They Need

One of the biggest lessons I learned in cold calling was to stop assuming I knew what the prospect needed.

My job wasn’t to force someone into a predetermined conversation.

My job was to create enough space for us to figure out whether there was a reason to continue talking.

That meant asking open-ended questions.

Not:

“Are you happy with your current service desk?”

That’s a yes-or-no question.

Instead:

“When do you typically evaluate your service desk and asset management solutions?”

Now you’ve created room for a real answer.

📞 My Basic Cold Call Framework

Here’s what my approach might sound like:

“Hi, my name is Barnaby with Samanage. I’m calling because I need some help.

I’m not sure if having a cloud-based service desk and asset management solution is top of mind, but I had a question to see if we might be a resource.

When do you typically evaluate service desk and asset management solutions?”

Then:

Stop talking.

Take notes.

Listen.

Human beings have a remarkable tendency to keep talking when silence would actually be more useful.

Your job now is to understand their situation.

When does it make sense for them to evaluate a solution?

What are they currently using?

What is working?

What isn’t?

And, most importantly, is there actually a problem worth solving?

🔎 Ask One More Question

Don’t turn the call into an interrogation.

You don’t need twelve qualification questions.

Ask another question that helps you understand their situation and identify potential pain points for your sales representative.

For example:

“What are some current frustrations you have with your service desk?”

Then again:

Shut up. Take notes. Listen.

The prospect is giving you information.

Don’t interrupt the information-gathering process because you suddenly remembered another feature you wanted to mention.

📅 Closing the Call

Once you’ve heard them out and understand their needs, thank them for their time and move toward the meeting.

For example:

“When are you available to meet with our team so we can see whether we might be a fit? Does Tuesday work, or would Wednesday be better?”

Give them options.

Find a date and time that works for both sides.

Close the call.

The prospect has already spent several minutes talking with you about their situation. If there is a legitimate reason to continue the conversation, make the next step easy.

🎯 Cold Calling Isn’t About Convincing People

This is probably the most important part of my sales philosophy.

Cold calling isn’t about convincing someone to buy something.

You should be doing the research before you call.

Build a good prospect list.

Identify the people involved in evaluating the solution.

Understand the organization.

Understand the persona you’re calling.

Then call them with a legitimate reason for having a conversation.

I never thought of my job as delivering a sales pitch.

The idea of “pitching” during a cold call makes the whole process feel less human.

I’m calling to have a normal conversation with another person.

Not to verbally vomit on them.

Prospects are busy.

Respect that.

In my role at Samanage, there were plenty of times when prospects actually thanked me for calling.

That’s the goal.

You should be bringing enough potential value to the conversation that the interruption feels worthwhile.

📱 The Voicemail Rule: Brevity

You don’t need to explain your entire company in a voicemail.

I recorded my voicemail and dropped it using SalesLoft.

Here’s an example:

“Hi John, this is Barnaby with Samanage. I’m calling because I had a quick question about your service desk and asset management solution. I look forward to hearing from you.”

That’s it.

Brevity.

That’s the name of the game when leaving a voicemail or making a cold call.

Don’t over-explain yourself.

You aren’t going to close a deal in a voicemail.

You’re trying to create enough curiosity for someone to call you back.

🛡️ Objection Handling

Cold calling means hearing objections.

A lot of them.

So what is an objection?

In my own words:

An objection is anything the prospect doesn’t understand or isn’t ready to engage with.

Your job isn’t to trick someone into taking a demo.

Consider this classic exchange:

Prospect:

“We’re happy with our current system.”

Salesperson:

“I completely understand. A lot of our customers said the same thing until...”

Please stop.

They’re probably trying to get off the phone.

Don’t immediately launch into your objection-handling script.

Instead, be candid.

Understand why they gave you the objection.

You aren’t trying to overcome the objection.

You’re trying to understand it.

If someone says they’re happy with their current system, you don’t need to defeat that statement.

You can simply acknowledge it:

“Okay, that’s great. When would be a good time for me to circle back and see if we can be a resource?”

Then move on.

Your time matters too.

🧩 Frameworks Beat Scripts

This is one of the biggest distinctions I learned.

Create a framework for what you want to say.

Don’t create a script that dictates every word.

Scripts are predictable.

You’re talking to an interrupted, complicated human being whose response you cannot possibly anticipate.

The traditional model looks like this:

Prospect says X → salesperson says Y → prospect says Z → salesperson deploys objection handler #14 → meeting booked.

My model is:

Have a framework → listen → understand → respond to what is actually happening.

That’s the difference.

Sales is about listening.

Not dominating the conversation.

Not trying to pitch someone into submission.

Listening.

🚪 Learn When to Stop Selling

This is incredibly important.

You need to know when to stop.

If the prospect is clearly brushing you off, end the conversation.

You could ask when would be a better time to follow up, make a note, and move on.

There are other people you can call.

You could spend ten minutes trying to force one person into a meeting, or you could spend those ten minutes talking to someone who actually needs your help.

That’s not giving up.

That’s using your time intelligently.

🎨 Cold Calling Is Storytelling

Here’s another thing I’ve learned:

A cold caller is a storyteller who sells.

You’re sharing a narrative about how your solution could help someone.

You’re taking an abstract product and connecting it to a real-world problem.

For example, instead of saying:

“Samanage is an easy-to-use cloud-based service desk.”

I might say:

“Think about your help desk technician sitting at their desk with 20 tickets in front of them. They need to close tickets, find information about an employee’s computer, and keep track of what equipment is where. The last thing they need is to fight with the software they’re using to do their job.

Samanage was designed to make that process simple, so your technicians can spend less time figuring out the system and more time actually helping people.”

That’s painting a picture.

I’m not simply telling them what the product does.

I’m giving them a situation they can recognize.

That’s storytelling.

👁️ Help Them See It

Don’t just tell people what you sell.

Help them see it.

Use concrete language.

Describe:

• The person

• The problem

• The situation

• The frustration

• What changes when the problem is solved

You don’t need a ten-minute story.

Sometimes a few well-chosen words are enough to make someone visualize what you’re describing.

Whatever solution you’re selling, you should understand how it actually helps people.

That example isn’t a script.

It’s an example of how I synthesized what I knew about the product into a situation that a prospect could recognize.

When you sound like you’re reading instead of sharing your knowledge, people notice.

🐈‍⬛ The Barncat Cold Calling Guide

So let’s say you’re new.

You just got hired this week.

You’ve never cold-called before.

You’re hungry.

And now someone has handed you a headset and a list of people who did not ask to hear from you.

What would I teach you on your first day?

Well, this is The Barncat Cold Calling Guide.

So let’s start at the beginning.

🗂️ Pre-Call Setup

Before you make a single call, answer a few questions.

Who the hell are we calling?

Are we buying a list?

Are we building one?

Who is the target persona?

At Samanage, we were typically looking for people such as:

• IT Directors

• IT Managers

• CIOs

• CTOs

We used tools such as DiscoverOrg when building prospect lists.

But simply finding someone’s phone number isn’t enough.

You need to understand whether they’re actually a qualified prospect.

🎯 What Makes a Qualified Lead?

You need to learn enough about the prospect to determine whether there is a legitimate reason for a sales conversation.

For an ITSM solution, that might include questions like:

• How large is their service desk?

• How many technicians are using the software?

• What solution are they currently using?

• When do they evaluate new solutions?

• What problems are they experiencing?

• Who is involved in the evaluation?

The goal isn’t to collect information for the sake of collecting information.

The goal is to determine whether there is a problem we can actually help solve.

That’s where good cold calling begins.

Not with the script.

Not with the pitch.

Not with the objection-handling flowchart someone laminated and taped next to your monitor.

It begins with research, curiosity, and a reason to call.

And once you have those three things, you can finally pick up the phone.

-Robert Brault

/ˌeləˈjīək/

Elegiac is an adjective that describes something mournful, sorrowful, or characteristic of an elegy (a sad poem or song, especially for the dead).

Meanings and Usage

• Expressing Sorrow: Used to describe art, music, or writing that has a melancholic or nostalgic tone.

• Poetic Form: Refers to classical poetry written in elegiac couplets (a line of dactylic hexameter followed by a line of dactylic pentameter).

Synonyms

• Melancholy

• Plaintive

• Lamenting

• Somber

• Nostalgic

Elegiac in a Sentence:

“The restaurant was filled with the elegiac strains of a solo cello, perfectly matching the rainy evening outside.”

“The author’s final novel was an elegiac tribute to a vanishing way of life in rural Ireland.”

“There was an elegiac beauty to the autumn woods as the last leaves drifted slowly to the ground.”

To understand how I got there, I have to go back a few years.

In 2013, I moved from Connecticut to North Carolina with two bags of clothes and a train ticket.

The world was mine, and I had something to prove.

I had been kicked out and banned from Liberty University when I was 20, during my sophomore year. My whole life felt like it had been put on hold.

Then I moved south and started over.

From 2015 to 2016, I worked as a business development representative for Samanage, a cloud-based ITSM and asset management startup in Cary, North Carolina.

In 2016, I became the highest achiever at the company and earned a $20,000 paycheck.

I was 25 years old. I had only completed part of a college degree. And I felt like I was on top of the world.

I had gone from getting kicked out of college to becoming a top-performing employee at a tech startup.

I thought I had finally proved myself.

Then I burned out.

After coming back from backpacking through Japan for two weeks at the beginning of 2017, I took some time away from my career as a business development representative.

That summer, I briefly worked at ListenLoop in New York, helping build their outbound sales process.

I lasted a week.

My medication ran out. I couldn’t sleep, and I was experiencing terrible suicidal thoughts that kept ruminating in my mind.

I felt ashamed. My mental illness had become symptomatic again, and I couldn’t control it.

Eventually, I found myself working at a call center at a distribution center in Wallingford.

Going from a top-performing business development representative in tech to working an hourly call center job felt like the lowest point of my year.

I don’t like labels. I’m Barnaby first. Then there’s the part of my life where I have to manage a chronic illness.

For years, I carried the shame of getting kicked out of school and later being laid off from Samanage. I turned those experiences into a story about who I was, and over time, I reduced myself to nothing.

In 2021, that shame and guilt contributed to a suicide attempt involving an overdose of lithium. I had become consumed by the feeling that I wasn’t living up to the person I was supposed to be.

I survived.

And slowly, I rebuilt my life.

No more shame. No more hiding.

I started embracing my ability to write and permitting myself to have a voice.

Today, I’m writing.

I started The Barnaby Times in 2024 because a few people encouraged me to believe that I had something worth saying.

I’ve written a memoir. I’m pursuing an English degree to sharpen my writing. And I’m learning to stop hiding the parts of my story that once made me ashamed.

I used to think 2017 was a gap in my life.

Now I think it was part of the story.

Maybe the hardest parts of our lives aren’t gaps at all. Maybe they’re chapters we haven’t learned how to read yet.

We all have a story.

Don’t give up before you find out what happens next.

~Barncat

I have been attending for two weeks now, so I’m two weeks in, and I am starting my third week on Monday, and it’ll be my third week, and out of So I have a few more weeks left and it’s going well. The goal is to get a manufacturing position here in Connecticut, New Haven, Connecticut.

And it’s allowed me to kind of focus my skills in a different area to learn new skills and stuff like that too. So here I am. Doing the match training program in New Haven and I’m enjoying it. However, for me, the pursuit of this program has led me to have a hole in my being, right?

And I say that because even though I’m doing exceptional and doing really well and my instructors Like me and I’m, I’m excelling as a student. I, I just am kind of like, I don’t feel whole and I don’t feel right. And I, I, I, I don’t feel joy. I don’t feel happy.

And it’s a super, it’s a super struggle. Right. So, uh, I guess today I want to talk about what that has looked like in my life and how I’ve overcome it and how I’ve pushed through it. One of the ways I enjoy getting through anhedonia or feeling like a lack of joy or

a lack of happiness in my life has been just talking about it and putting it out the open and recording my thoughts and understanding The process in which that may occur, right? So at the end of the day, here I am. It’s September 11th, Friday, 2026.

And I feel like I am the same place I was last year when it comes to my thought process. I wrote a couple of posts and poems about my nihilism and fatalism. And one year later, I’m still struggling with that and it’s so annoying, right?

I spoke with people at my program and I asked them, what is your purpose? What drives you? What makes you, you? And it is encouraging to hear their responses and I got some really good responses and good insight and perspective But I wonder that for myself, right?

It’s so interesting because like I’ve done and accomplished so many things in my life, right? And we could go down the list. I paid off my student loans. I relocated my life from Connecticut to North Carolina in 2013. I earned a $20,000 paycheck. I traveled to Japan, Haiti, Mexico. I lost 100 pounds.

I became independent and I started writing. I wrote a book. It’s on Amazon. So I’m writing a second book and it’s going well. I’m editing it. I have a voice when it comes to my writing. And I mean, that’s just like a general list, right? So I think for me,

when I think about my life and how well it’s gone, it’s one of those things where it’s like, I don’t feel the joy of the accomplishment of what I’ve done. And that’s what the most frustrating thing has been. Even though I’ve done all these things and I’ve excelled when it came to my I still felt empty.

And even though I earned $72,000 a year, I still felt lost and I felt broken. And it’s just a wonder right now because Now that I don’t have the money and I don’t have access to my certain pleasures, whether that’s paying for pornography or smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol or overeating, right?

And I don’t have the means to facilitate those activities. I guess for me, I’m left with trying to reconcile myself To be content and to not depend on those external factors to bring me joy. Even though I’ve chased it and I’ve chased those things when I did have money

and it didn’t satisfy me now that I don’t have money and the means to do it. I still am left with not being satisfied, if that makes sense. I’m not sure if that all made sense. However, here I am articulating my thoughts, and I just want to express how much anhedonia is real,

which is the lack of joy and happiness that’s in your life. So it’s interesting. It’s just one of those things where I’m not sure if it’s because of Invega, the medication I’m on for schizoaffective, or if it’s Lamictal and Trintelix, or the combination of all three,

where I don’t have the drive or the pleasure of accomplishing things or the fulfillment of doing things like I used to. And I don’t know if I’m dull because of the medication. So it’s interesting. So for me, with that being said,

I just find it that I have to talk about my health and my reality of living with a mental health condition and a chronic illness. I don’t know. What’s appropriate, what’s not appropriate. Or maybe I do. I’m just saying it’s interesting because there’s no ability to find true happiness in my life.

I don’t know what that looks like. I feel like I’ve lost my direction in life. I don’t know my purpose and my why of doing things, my reason, my because, my conviction. Before when growing up, it was sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ and being very passionate about God

and loving people and being there for people and helping people. That was my mission in life, to be altruistic and giving and caring for people and strangers. That’s what I focused on. And then years later, I deconstructed and I’ve been in this deconstruction process for the last 10 years.

And it’s come to a point where I may not believe in God right now. And so where does that leave me? Do I still become caring? Do I still become altruistic? Do I still help people? Do I still allow to love myself and others? And what does that mean to love people?

And what does that look like if there’s no direction of doing that from a biblical perspective or a mandate from the Bible? So these are things I’m working out and I’m trying to understand and process myself. And I don’t know where I’ve landed. I’m still wrestling with my unbelief and I don’t know if I want

to disregard Christianity as a whole, but still keep Jesus or throw away Jesus and throw away Christianity and become a complete atheist. And not participate in the spiritual aspect of reality that seems apparent, but I don’t know if that’s true. People say they think that we have souls and the spirit and possibly that could be true.

I just can’t prove it. I can’t prove that God is real. I can’t prove that Christianity is true without the Bible. I can’t prove any of it. Right. And so it just leads me to think that I’m just trying to ask more questions. I’m trying to be more empirical.

I’m trying to not I’m trying to have a healthy dose of doubting that that makes sense. But that’s where I’m at. And I just wanted to hop on here to record my current situation. I’m I’m I’m having a hard time. Finding joy in myself and others and other activities.

I’m having a hard time pursuing my purpose and I don’t know what I want to accomplish. And I’m having a hard time understanding what life is like post the gospel of Christ and what that means for myself and how to live out That essence of my being without being mandated by a book. So that’s where I’m at.

I wanted to just share, get it all off my chest, make a little note of speech and put it in ether. And thank you for listening. So I will see you next time. All right. Take care. Bye.

Enjoy…

I sat there quietly in the kindergarten classroom with my kite for Kite Day. Mrs. Maguin was showing the parents who came for their children. I was nervous and excited that my Dad would come, but to my dismay, the minutes passed by without him coming through the door. Tears flowed from my tiny cheeks as soon as I realized he wasn't coming. I sat there in the middle of the room at the table with my paper kite. The walls were adorned with craft projects and books.

It was the love and fear that I had for my father. He spent most of his time in his computer room, working on computer programming, or in the garage working on projects. I longed to spend time with him, and when he came out of the room, I watched his every move. His voice was usually quiet, but I knew his tone and could tell when he was pleased or upset. I did my best not to get on his bad side. I would hear my parents arguing at night from my room, and that gave me enough reason to stay out of his way.

I was shy and barely able to share my needs and wants. I was a fragile child, but I was also curious about my environment. I obsessed over pleasing my parents, being a good child, and steering clear of my father's anger. I imagined what my life would be like if I could just live in peace in my home. As I grew older, this curiosity helped shape my analytical mind. I wanted to understand why I acted the way I did and why I thought the way I thought.

Following my father's footsteps, I became an autodidact. Like him, I taught myself about the things that fascinated me. As I grew older, I became obsessed with books, and my fascination with body language and psychology grew with me. The mind became a sanctuary for me, a place where I could find peace and let my imagination run.

I found mercy within the walls where hymns were sung and sermons were preached. My walk with God became the core of my being. I didn't know it at the time, but it would eventually become part of how I learned to understand and interpret my suffering.

The machine of my mind was well-oiled, keeping me curious and always searching for answers. The more I learned, the more questions I had about myself. There were times when my mind felt like a sanctuary and times when it felt like a machine I couldn't shut off.

This was the beginning of my journey into Mercy and the Machine.