3am Thoughts

I just woke up again.

Random dream, but nothing significant.

Though I did think about something interesting.

The question is: What if I let it all go?

Let go of the expectation that I have.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I should wander and even commit suicide because it’s all pointless.

Or, not take my meds because none of this matters.

I’m saying the core of worrying.

The very expectation that something should or should not happen.

That’s what I mean when I say I should let go.

It’ll be a week today since I quit my job. All of my major bills have been paid, or at least the most recent ones that are due.

I guess as of right now, I don’t have to worry. But if I’m not disciplined with Lyft, I’m not going to be able to pay my next few bills.

I have a job interview in Wethersfield for a telecom company selling ATT and other products.

It’s an hour away, and I get paid $600 a week.

I’m not excited for the role, and I’m not sure if I want to pursue it.

Beggars can’t be choosers?

Anyway, I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue it and find something closer.

And then there was Trader Joe's, where I applied and even got a phone screening.

It went okay. I asked pretty general questions, but the manager responded to my questions that they were a part of the job posting.

I felt stupid because I wasn’t prepared for the call.

I’m almost sure I didn’t get the job.

It’s okay. This is where I let go of my expectations. Who knows, maybe they’ll consider me.

I have an hour before I start driving for Lyft.

I guess to have an object-oriented thought. I was thinking of this expectation thought as a balloon.

I could drift in the wind and land where it takes me.

Or I could be a hot air balloon. I could decide how much air gets fed to the balloon and where it goes.

I’m not sure how it works, but anyway, at least I’m not drifting in the wind.

Or the opposite of a balloon. What if I’m not a tree, planted in the ground?

I’m rooted in my conviction and stand tall where I am.

The problem with that thought is that I’m not mobile. A tree doesn’t move around.

So what if I’m like a sailboat?

I don’t have control of the wind, i.e., job offers, interviews, randomness, other people’s decisions, but I do have control over when you raise the sail (Lyft, applying, showing up). The angle of the sail (effort, preparation, discipline. Whether you sit there complaining about the wind or actually use it.

That’s my 3 am thought. I’m sure it will get better. It could get worse or stay the same.

But I have to try and keep going.

I’ll keep you posted on how things turn out.

Till then.

Barnaby