4am Thoughts

Tonight I had another dream, or at least I had an interesting thought.

I live with a mental illness. Before it was Bipolar Type 1, and now it’s rediagnosed to Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type.

The first is a mood disorder with high highs and low lows, and the second is the same thing, but with psychosis or a thought disorder.

I was diagnosed when I was 17 years old after coming back from Haiti on a mission trip.

Over the years, I was only being treated for half the symptoms of my condition. I treated bipolar disorder with mainly Lithium and Seroquel, which were effective, but I needed Invega to help with the suicidal ideations and psychosis that I experienced.

I guess we can divide my life into three segments: The college years, the NC experience, and the suicide attempt.

When I went to college, I was full of passion and energy. I went to Liberty University in Virginia, where I decided to go because I had a lot of trauma in CT at the time.

I’ll spare you details because I have talked about it a lot.

Anyway, I went a year and a half without medications after my initial diagnosis of Bipolar.

I did pretty well in school as I pursued Nursing, and later English. I had about a 3.0 GPA, and everything was fine until my illness took over.

Essentially, I had a manic episode during the winter break of my sophomore year. And, I couldn’t recover after that. I was placed on medication again, and it wasn’t the right cocktail of meds.

From there, about a couple of months into my semester, I had another episode and broke a few rules, and then I was reported to the RA that I had exposed myself in my dormmate’s dorm room.

That led to my being kicked out and banned from Liberty University.

Okay, so we have that out of the way.

During my time in CT, I was able to get on Lithium and Seroquel, which stabilized me for the most part.

Then I moved to NC with two bags of clothes and a train ticket.

I did above and beyond there. I maintained jobs, and I function highly in a competitive sales environment.

I did well for myself.

So here’s what I want to highlight. No one knew I had a mental illness. It was my secret. By not telling anyone, I proved to myself and the people back home that I can function well with work.

Now you have my suicide attempt when I was 30. It’s important to highlight that before my attempt, I was assaulted three times in a mental hospital, and I lost a tooth because of the assault.

I was pretty devastated over everything. The lack of control, the injustice, and the shame because of the mental illness.

I tried killing myself, and from there I survived and was given another opportunity at life.

Now we look at post suicide. I was working in healthcare for ten months. I shared with the supervisor my condition and story, and they worked with me.

Here’s my point: I was functioning and held down a job despite the fact that I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder.

If I hadn’t told anyone, then nobody would have suspected that I had struggled with mental illness.

Now, I just quit my job last week. To be frank, it was burning me out and getting annoying. Two things that happened that made my job frustrating: first, the dryer broke, so we couldn’t dry clothes, and second, the shit that I had to clean up and constantly clean for both of my clients.

I enjoyed my job, and I appreciated the pay, but it was getting old quickly, always cleaning them up.

So I quit.

I drive for Lyft, which I’m going to do in a bit. But I couldn’t take it anymore, even after reducing my hours.

I live with a mental illness; it’s in remission right now. No one would know that I live with it, and I can do jobs. Not only can I do them, but I can function at a high level doing them.

It’s a blessing and a curse because I have the competence paradox, where I appear competent, but internally I struggle to maintain myself, and no one suspects otherwise.

All that to say, I live with a mental illness, and I can work.

Which is great.

If you struggle with mental illness, there’s hope. Give it time and make sure you take your meds. You’ll be able to manage it. Take my story, for example.

Thanks for reading till next time.