John Wood: “I’m sorry, Barnaby, I can’t agree to have you be a part of my Life Group. I’m concerned for you, and you’re not in a good place.”
Barnaby: “What are you talking about?”
John Wood: “The article you wrote saying fuck Alfred Watts, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Church.”
Barnaby: “ Ah, okay, have a good one.”
Guilty, I said those things, and at the time I meant them. I rewrote that article, by the way.
I realized it was immature of me to go on the internet for a whole bunch of strangers to hear and see my angry verbal rant.
However, I’m going to push back to John. He’s a leader at Cornerstone Christian Center. Works for Alfred Watts.
He complains openly about his job working for the church, on top of his personal sins to his Life Group. He complains about Alfred.
Yet, that’s okay.
Look, when I was a Christian, I said Fuck GOD whenever I looked at porn, got drunk, smoked weed, and, hell, smoked a cigarette.
Cornerstone Christian Center is a place where Grace is more than a Word. Yet today it was a word.
No asking questions. No follow-up. Just a dismissal because I had one angry moment on the internet.
I know Cornerstone inside and out. I grew up there. I went to Liberty University, a Christian University by Jerry Falwell.
I got kicked out because I had a sickness that disturbed my behaviors and was brushed under the rug.
No support. No help. Just a bill for student loans that I had to pay back.
There is nothing like hate like Christian love.
Fine, John, if you want to disassociate yourself from me. I get it.
And if you’re a leader in the church and you just dismiss me when you weren’t there when I attempted suicide.
Yet not do it when I was looking at porn actively. Fine.
It’s hypocritical.
Everything can be forgiven, but GODFORBID you say something in anger and use profanity, and the manipulation and the utter hypocrisy of Christians by saying FUCK the Church and FUCK Alfred D. Watts; then I’m okay with not going to a multi-million dollar business on Sundays.
He said I’m not in a good place.
In fact, I’m in the best place of my life. No binge drinking constantly, no smoking weed or cigarettes, no looking at porn.
I’ve read 5 books in the past month.
My creativity has been more there than it has ever been.
I no longer feel Christian shame and guilt.
I’m honest with myself.
I didn’t want to pretend anymore. I wasn’t one of you. You were the hypocrites.
I lived honestly and realized I didn’t meet the standards of Christ.
If you’re wondering where I stand now after having the brief dismissal from John Wood, I’m glad I made my decision to leave the business of institutional Christianity.
Sorry, not sorry for being honest with myself and others.
Hate me all you want for saying profane things against the church, but don’t pretend to hug me and love on me when I needed you there the most.
Where was anyone when I attempted suicide? When I was in psychosis, mania, when I got kicked out of a CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY, when I had an episode of mental illness.
Nowhere. In your pews, praying to a God who has no evidence for his existence and doesn’t talk back.
I’m in the best place of my life.
Check yourself. The level of lack of self-awareness is astounding among Christians.
You’re so ready to say Mark 3:29 for blasphemy, but you do it when you constantly get drunk, look at porn, lie, or whatever sin you “struggle” with.
I don’t believe in God, and this makes me want to never go back to church.
I confided in John Wood; I looked up to him as a father and told him my personal struggles.
And this is what I get: a post with no follow-up questions or grace.
Get the fuck out of here.
Love,
Barnaby