Agnostic Christianity
Choosing Faith While Keeping My Doubts
A few weeks ago, I was in a car accident. It felt like a wake-up call, so I decided to reorient my life back toward Christ.
It felt like the right move, and it still does, mostly. But if I’m honest, part of me felt sad. For a while, I had found real freedom in being agnostic. After sitting with that tension, I realized I don’t have to abandon one for the other.
I now call it Agnostic Christianity.
It’s simple: I acknowledge the limits of what the human mind can ultimately prove (“I don’t know for certain”, the agnostic part), but I choose to align my life with the teachings, values, and moral framework of Jesus Christ (the Christian part).
Lately, I’ve been wrestling with big questions, evolution, human origins, and how any of this makes sense alongside Adam and Eve.
At the same time, I’m constantly struck by the sheer miracle that I’m even here to ask these questions.
In 2026, I’m alive, typing on a computer, chatting with AI. The odds of any of us existing at all are absolutely mind-bending:
The chance that your specific parents would meet and have a child together: roughly 1 in 20,000.
The chance that one exact sperm (out of hundreds of millions) would fertilize one exact egg on that specific day: about 1 in 400 quadrillion.
Then multiply that across thousands of generations of ancestors who survived wars, famines, plagues, ice ages, and predators, all reproducing at precisely the right moments.
Dr. Ali Binazir, a Harvard-trained researcher, calculated the overall probability of you or me existing as roughly 1 in 10^2,685,000, a number so large it dwarfs the total number of atoms in the observable universe.
When I sit with that, something shifts. Whether you see it through science, faith, or both, the fact that we’re here at all feels like grace.
I’m still figuring out a lot. But I’m choosing to walk forward in faith while staying honest about my doubts.
This week, I took a few more concrete steps.
I officially left Aspire Living and Learning.
I’d been there for about a week or two, but the behaviors and environment around me were feeding patterns I no longer wanted in my life.
Stepping away was difficult but necessary, a choice for self-respect and peace. The first few days have been an adjustment, but it feels like forward movement.
I’ve also started attending a men’s group called Maximize Manhood. I went for the first time yesterday. If I’m being real, it didn’t immediately click for me.
The format felt intense, and I didn’t connect as deeply as I hoped. But I showed up anyway.
That might be the point right now.
Faith and growth aren’t always about powerful emotional experiences.
Sometimes it’s simply choosing to walk through the door even when you’re skeptical, tired, and still battling old habits.
One of the hardest areas I’ve been wrestling with is porn.
For years, I treated it as a serious sin, something dark, shameful, and inherently evil. That approach created a toxic cycle of guilt, pressure, and self-loathing.
The shame didn’t free me. Instead, it fueled isolation and secrecy, making the habit stronger. The more I demonized it, the more power it held over me.
A while ago, I made a deliberate shift: I stopped labeling porn as something fundamentally evil. I dropped the crushing weight of constant condemnation.
I began seeing it as a common human struggle in a hyper-sexualized culture rather than proof that I’m broken or failing God.
That change has been genuinely liberating. The internal war has quieted. The compulsive pull has weakened.
Removing the shame didn’t increase my use; it actually gave me more clarity and freedom to think honestly about its real effects on my mind, motivation, and relationships.
As an Agnostic Christian, I’m at peace saying, “I don’t know for certain” on this issue theologically. I respect that many Christians view it as sin. But I also see clearly how shame-based approaches have caused deep damage in my life and in many others. For now, I’m choosing honesty, self-respect, and understanding over fear and self-punishment.
This whole journey, leaving Aspire, showing up to a group that didn’t instantly resonate, still fighting cravings to vape, and rethinking porn, is messy and imperfect.
But it feels more authentic than pretending to be further along than I actually am.
I’m learning that following Christ doesn’t require me to have all the answers or be perfectly clean first. It simply asks me to keep showing up honestly, day by day, and keep moving in the direction of His values: self-control, integrity, grace toward myself and others, and becoming the kind of man who can eventually lead and mentor.
I’m still figuring it out. But I’m moving forward with more peace than I had before.