Another day

It’s been 22 days into the new year, and I’ve settled in a lot of ways. I cleaned up my Facebook, so absolutely nobody is friends with me. I went from over a hundred to zero, which is fine. I think, at the end of the day, it’s a digital persona. Nobody made the cut.

I’ve seen people with thousands of followers and “friends.” It’s not real, guys. And, basing your identity on a number in your profile seems juvenile.

Then there is my faith. I’ve identified exactly what I grew up in and the machine behind the mechanism in America. I call it a courtroom model, which is based on penal substitution. A fancy way of saying that there needed to be a sacrifice like Jesus on the cross to substitute God’s justice for mankind.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not going to believe in a courtroom reality when there needs to be divine justice. I don’t think life is meaningless, and I do think there is virtue.

The other place I landed is my understanding of the resurrection of Jesus. It’s an extraordinary claim to understand that Jesus died and then rose again on the third day, defeating sin and death for once and for all.

I’d questioned those who have certainty in their faith about whether they've ever examined this miracle and understood that believing it makes it a grand belief to comprehend.

Do I believe the gospel is false? I don’t necessarily believe it’s false. I guess if I’m being skeptical about the mechanism of assent and the courtroom framework of justice, then one could say I don’t believe in the gospel or think it’s false.

Here’s where I’ve landed, and this helps me sleep at night. There is a God, Jesus is a real man, the movement that started two thousand years ago hasn’t gone away, and, based on my existence, there is a choice to live in compassion for your neighbor and to orient your life toward goodness.

Now, the details are what I’m skeptical about. I don’t believe the gospel is about being born into a state of defiance or guilt, needing atonement for that state, blood being spilt for that condition, and then having a correct belief to enter into heaven.

As I write, I feel like a lot of pressure has been taken off my chest. For so long, I have wondered what life is about and why I do what I do. Now, I’m more at peace with saying I genuinely don’t know, and I’m okay living in that uncertainty.

All I know is that I’m alive today. I know that love out there exists, and I know that I can show that love to people around me and lift the tide of my own despair and the despair around me because of my actions towards righteousness and pursuing what is good.

Could this be the devil putting a veil over my eyes? Yeah, could be. Could I be wrong? No doubt. However, I’m not going to pretend to wear a label of Christianity to appease my conscience and those around me.

To set the record straight, I do not identify as a Christian. Does that make me an atheist? Nope. More like an agnostic. If we have to play with labels, then agnostic fits. I simply do not know, and I’m not going to sit here preaching certainty.

Now I have my own ideas of hell, God, Jesus, and churches.

But I’m not trying to deconvert anyone. I’m not saying I hate anyone, or that people should stop practicing Christianity.

If anything, I’m more jealous and envious of the person who does call themselves Christian and is following a creed or doctrine to help them sleep at night.

To live in a way of certainty, as many of my Christian friends live, is honorable.

I know for me I cannot subscribe to the idea of certainty.

Not because I’m trying to be contrarian or be defiant. I think it was a natural progression of my walk through life. About 10 years ago, I stopped reading my Bible regularly. And a few years ago, I began to feel detached from the church. In addition, I stopped praying.

And then, recently, thinking about my walk in life, I came to see the mechanism many Christians believe in: a divine courtroom.

In my understanding, growing up, we are all guilty.

We need a savior.

Jesus pays for our sins with his blood.

Now he gives me a new heart, and I tell others about the good news to win souls for Christ.

I’m sure there are more details, but that’s the gist of it.

If you believe that, more power to you.

I don’t believe we are born evil or bent towards worshipping ourselves as gods.

I simply don’t believe that.

I feel like we are born with a map and a compass. We have a direction in our lives, and you can place any worldview into this metaphor. Now, I genuinely believe that what Jesus preached and how he lived his life reorients the compass and the map.

Do I follow Jesus? Yes. Do I understand the resurrection and the core understanding of penal substitution and why that matters? No, and I’m okay with admitting that.

Jesus is compelling to model life after. It seems like the most beneficial thing to do, given the reality we live in. We must decide how to treat our neighbor and how to understand the reason why we are living.

Is it simply to wait for Jesus to come back and be on our best behavior, so that one day we’ll live in bliss?

It’s shallow to follow Jesus like that. And, it’s transactional.

I say a prayer, and then yes, God accepts me. I do not think that’s true.

In my humble opinion, God will look at your actions and intent. Where were you harboring hate? Where were you lying? Where were you cheating? And so on.

I refuse to lie about certainty I don’t have, but I refuse to abandon responsibility. I’m taking responsibility for how I live without outsourcing my conscience to fear.

Anyway, that’s all I have for tonight. If you pray, I welcome your prayers for my life.