What’s the difference between a symptom and a sentence?
Tonight I am okay. I have to put this disclaimer because there are people who’d call 988 asking for a welfare check.
I’d appreciate a call from said person before a dramatic 988 call. I’m not suicidal. I don’t have thoughts of suicide.
I hate for sure. I hate you.
I wish you, the reader, would be gone.
Go on… I said I hate you…
Oh, you’re still here?
Well, tonight, you should know me as Barnaby the Misanthropic.
MUAHHAHAHAHA.
I HATE ALL OF YOU.
Now we ask the question again: what’s the difference between a symptom and a sentence?
Was that a symptom of schizoaffective disorder translating into words on a screen?
Tonight, my first hateful thing to do is to steal your time!!! MUAHAHAHAHA.
I will bore you with things I’ve learned today. SUCH AS!
Safety and acceptance create a space for creativity.
You cannot be creative, or it's very hard to be creative when you’re in survival.
Did you just LEARN SOMETHING!?
MUAHAHAHA, I SHALL FILL YOU WITH MORE THINGS I’VE LEARNED TODAY!!!
You know why!?
Because I hate you…. And I hate you so much that you're still here reading this article…
Rick Rubin inspired me today after talking about his collaboration with Jay-Z on the song “I Got 99 Problems”, and it led me to his 2017 album 4:44.
Rick talked about creativity as an invitation or a force to be met with. And today Rick and Jay Z invited me to write Bye Barnaby a poem.
I was safe and accepted enough today to be creative and write a poem to share with the world.
This is bugging me, but if you’re ever concerned about my welfare because of something I wrote, just send a goddamn text or call and find out.
Don’t escalate to 988 or the police.
I don’t like how expressions of creativity are a crime while being influenced by a thought and mood disorder.
If you want to see schizophrenic/bipolar writing, I’ll be more than happy to produce it.
It sounds fun.
So here we go…
Actually, it’s harder to do. If I am ever symptomatic with my illness, you’ll know because I won’t give insight or disclaimers in the writing.
Or maybe I’d remember that. But it would look and sound unbalanced.
Anyway, I am starting to hate again. Doesn’t mean I am conspiring to hurt anyone or myself.
I stumbled upon this insight called self-contempt. And the definition of self-contempt is a strong emotional state characterized by a deep lack of respect, cold rejection, and scorn toward oneself, viewing one's real self as despicable or falling drastically short of an ideal self.
If you ever wonder about me and my mind, well, I hate myself.
I have for a long time. I don’t want to die because I do hope that one day I can love myself more than anyone.
But right now, I have a whole lot of self-contempt. AND DON’T YOU WORRY!
I’m bringing it to my therapist Friday.
I am falling and have been falling short of my ideal self for a long time.
I don’t respect myself; I constantly reject myself inwardly, and I have scorn for myself.
So no, I don’t hate you; I have too much hate for myself for not meeting my own standards.
Anyway, that’s all I got. You wasted your time tonight with a guy who hates himself and has self-contempt.
Maybe ask why and learn more? Or stay silent. Freedom is a bitch, huh?