Blessings and Curses

One Man's Journey From Self-Curse to Redemption

Narrative Recursion Theory: From Self-Curse to Divine Blessing

Humans are recursive narrative systems. The stories we repeatedly tell ourselves do not simply influence our lives — they become self-referential loops that construct our very identity. This is the heart of Recursive Identity Modulation (RIM): every narrative becomes both cause and effect, input and output, figure and ground.

The Curse That Nearly Killed Me

At thirty years old, I attempted suicide.

For years I was trapped in a destructive recursive narrative:
“I am impure. I am fraudulent. I am a burden to everyone who loves me.”

This thought was not occasional. It reverberated constantly in my mind. Every private failure, every relapse into porn, every moment of weakness reinforced the belief that I was fundamentally broken and burdensome. The more I believed I was a burden, the more I withdrew from people. The more I withdrew, the stronger the evidence became that I was a burden. This created a lethal strange loop.

Jeremiah 17:9 (“The heart is deceitful above all things…”) became fuel for this curse. I interpreted it as final proof of my irredeemable nature. Eventually, the tension became unbearable. Suicide felt like the only way to resolve the contradiction between who I pretended to be and who I believed I truly was.

The Mechanism of the Curse

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a powerful diagnostic lens. In ACT terms, I had become fused with the thought “I am a burden.” I was not observing the thought — I was the thought. There was no space between “me” and the narrative. Fusion turned a painful idea into an absolute identity.

The loop became self-sustaining:

• Thought → Emotional fusion → Behavioral withdrawal → More evidence → Stronger thought.

This is a textbook malignant strange loop — the same phenomenon Douglas Hofstadter explores in Gödel, Escher, Bach.

The Theological and Psychological Turning Point

Roughly a year ago, I began immersing myself in Luke 15 — the parables of the Lost Sheep, Lost Coin, and Prodigal Son. I encountered a God who does not wait for moral perfection, but runs toward the lost, the burdened, and the ashamed.

This was not a rejection of Jeremiah 17:9. It was a higher integration. Yes, the heart is deceitful. But it is not the final word. The God of Luke 15 enters the curse, absorbs it, and offers a new narrative.

Recursive Identity Modulation in Practice

Using tools from ACT, I began practicing defusion — creating psychological distance from toxic thoughts. Instead of fusing with:

“I am a burden”

I learned to observe:

“I am having the thought that I am a burden.”

This small but crucial shift broke the fusion. It created space. From that space, I could begin consciously modulating the recursive loop (RIM).

I started replacing the old curse with a new, life-giving narrative grounded in Luke 15:

“I am flawed and broken in many ways, but I am not defined by my worst moments. I am the lost son who is being found. My worth is not earned — it is given by the God who runs toward me.”

This was not shallow positive thinking. It was a deliberate meta-narrative upgrade — consciously intervening in a destructive strange loop and installing a redemptive one.

Conclusion: Becoming the Author

We are all writing software for our own souls, often unconsciously. Some of us run destructive programs inherited from trauma, mental illness, theology, or life experience. The awakened life is the one in which we become conscious programmers.

Through Recursive Identity Modulation — supported by defusion, honest theological reflection, and persistent self-awareness — we can turn curses into blessings. We can move from fusion with shame to freedom. From self-condemnation to being joyfully, recursively redeemed.

The same mind that once constructed a narrative powerful enough to drive me toward death is now, by grace, constructing stories that lead toward life.

This is how the lost are found.
This is how curses lose their power.
This is how we become more fully ourselves — one honest, recursive loop at a time.