Chapter Two: From Darkness to the Light

Looking down the stairwell, I saw myself flung down each step. By the final step, my head snaps killing me. I stood there watching the movie in my mind play this hor nj rific tragedy play out. This is one of my childhood fantasies of killing myself through an accident.

A hidden suicide as it’s known. I was eight years old and grew up with suicidal ideations. Twenty-two years later I gave in the dark thoughts and decided to kill myself through Lithium by taking the whole bottle and forcing myself to digest them. I lay there drowning in my misery, hoping the pain would be over. 

“I’m not good enough.” 

“There’s no hope.” 

“I’m a burden.” 

“I’m worthless.” 

Thoughts like their circle around like vultures circle their kill. My body reacted to the Lithium overdose, I got up and constantly threw up. I kept drinking water because of the salt imbalance. My body was refusing to die and it battled against the toxicity. Along with the Lithium overdose, I took a bottle of Seroquel to put me to sleep. I figured to make it seem like I died in my sleep.

I woke up after an unknown amount of time passed. The doorbell was ringing. I answered, all drugged up, and it was a police officer sharing with me an eviction notice. I was unable to provide what he was asking and eventually, the landlord stopped by to deal with the situation. They left, and I was alone again. The feeling of despair crept back and I found myself laying down waiting for my kidneys to fail. 

And, they almost did. At some point, my roommate came home. I told him what I did and we agreed the hospital would be the best place to get help. He drove me, and I checked in. It was there I was escalated to being helped first. The test showed I needed dialysis to balance my kidneys.

They immediately treated me and I had the procedure to flush out my body. They saved my life because, without the treatment, I would have been dead. 

“Barnaby, we diagnosed as Schizoaffective disorder. We have a shot for you to manage your suicidal symptoms.” Said, Julie West. The provider who looked after me while I stayed in the mental hospital. I was institutionalized for two months. I was on suicide watch as they didn’t want to release me to try again. They wanted to make sure that I was safe and had a stable mind. Most days I stayed in my room not wanting to go to groups.

I sometimes hung out with the patients, but I mostly kept to myself. My main fantasy was being homeless. I had little worth in myself and was disappointed that I survived. Come to find out, I should of died with the amount of lithium in my body. I had ten times the amount of lithium in my body that should have killed me. And, it didn’t. The staff was worried about me because the main hospital told them I might not survive. But I’m here, writing this short book. 

Before we move on, I’d like to share what Schizoaffective disorder is and share how they came to the diagnosis. My original diagnosis was bipolar, but because I heard voices of suicide they switched me to Schizoaffective. Schizoaffective disorder is as follows:  An uninterrupted duration of illness during which there is a major mood episode (manic or depressive) in addition to criterion A for schizophrenia; the major depressive episode must include a depressed mood.

Prior to my suicide attempt in June of 2021, I was hospitalized for a manic episode. I had grandiose thoughts that aliens were coming and it would take me to eliminate them. I heard voices or had unwanted thoughts of suicide. 

I grew up wanting to impress everyone. I was the ultimate people-pleaser. I wanted my parents proud, my pastor proud, and my mentors proud. It meant the world when they praised me for my achievements. Most of all, I wanted God to be proud of me. For the people, I saved and touched by my testimony. I was trained as a leader through Path of Success Student for Excellence. A faith-based college preparatory program.

It motivated me and inspired me to become great. I would save the world and mend the despair around me. I’d live up to my name as the Encourager. I was super outgoing and fearless in any circumstances. That was until my Dad left my Mom in 2008. We lost our house to foreclosure. And, I had my first mental breakdown.

I was 17 when the kryptonite of life wounded my soul. Barnaby, you have a mental disorder known as Bipolar Type 1. I was in disbelief. Not me, I studied this in AP Psych. I’m not a nutcase.

The voices I hear are from God and the devil, you secular Doctors wouldn’t know anything about that.  I’m chosen to win back to this culture. You can’t place me in a box. 

In 2008, I stayed in two mental hospitals. One in California, and the other in Connecticut. The ladder I stayed there for a month at Silver Hills Hospital. I was going out of my mind while I was being treated there. I was talked to by the Hospital about my behavior. It got so bad they placed me in restraints and placed me in a padded room multiple times. I was a nutcase. 

And, this is my life. I gain weight and eventually, I was sedated. There are no words that describe the stigma placed inside you for having a mental condition. Even though I tell myself, I’m Barnaby Alkire with a mental condition regulated my medicine. I don’t feel it. Most days I feel deficient. Like I don’t anything to contribute. It’s not true, and sometimes I listen to the lies. I did June 25th, 2021 when I decided to kill myself. 

Let's look at the standard I was given at Cornerstone while I was growing up. It was literally preached to me that it was my responsibility to save this lost generation. I had to be the one winning souls over for Jesus. It was as if I was pursuing a prize in Heaven. The more souls I won the bigger the prize. I had a savior complex. It fed into my ego that I was the chosen one to free the lost.

There was a youth rally my church always went to, called Aquire the Fire hosted by Ron Luce. That had a huge impact on me because it was the same narrative that was preached at Cornerstone. You’re chosen to save your generation, this is your mission. As if I was a secret agent, undercover from those who didn’t know they were perishing. It was a burdensome task and Christ didn’t live there. He was with the lowly brokenhearted of the world. I had high expectations to be the One to save everyone and it’s the reason I wanted to commit suicide.

I knew I wasn’t a saint with food and porn addiction. I felt like I a double-minded person, not sure if I wanted to be a Christian, or live out my own desires. The reality was I was a normal person, who listen to people who error in their thinking. 

Salvation comes through the miracle of the Holy Spirit revealing to a person their defiance towards a holy and just God. It’s there where they experience love from the Universe for how amazing they are. A person is loved by the act of Christ on the cross and through the act of loving them because of what Christ did on the cross. I didn’t realize this until after my suicide attempt. God is big. I am small. I don’t understand why I survived, but I do and it’s because of love. He loves me and he loves you. Just accept it. It doesn’t make sense. In all my failures and ill thinking aka delusions due to the condition, he loves me. 

Jeremiah 17:5-9 states

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.

He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come.

He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

   “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick; who can understand it?

I preached this back in 2013 through Christian counseling. This passage was the foundation of the Christian counseling sessions. Craig Morsett shared with me his perspective of the Gospel. If I trust in the Lord, I am a tree planted by water not fearing the heat. He went to say that I was dead in my sins, lifeless in the sea of transgression.

Christ picked up my lifeless body and gave me a new heart, new eyes, and new ears. Most importantly he transferred his precious blood to revive me. He recognized the bitterness I had towards my family, church, and life in general. He then shared with me

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant:

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often ywill my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23 “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents.8 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. 26 So the servant9 fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii,10 and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 iAnd should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 jAnd in anger his master delivered him to the jailers,11 kuntil he should pay all his debt. 35 lSo also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother mfrom your heart.”

I am guilty of being the servant who was forgiven of everything and withholding forgiveness in my heart towards my family and those who hurt me. I can carry a big grudge by those who hurt me. This shouldn’t be. Christ forgave me of everything because I deserved Hell. And, yet he pardon me and forgave me of all my debt. How can I withhold the forgiveness of others? How can I not forgive myself? 

Everything revolves around my suicide attempt. Why did I feel like killing myself after having all this knowledge of Christ? In my heart and the reality of it all is that  I felt I wasn’t good enough for God and I had punished myself. I replaced God and his judgment. My pride consumed me and I almost lost it all after a hard fall.

 This stems back to childhood. I was begging for the attention of my parents, doing everything to be righteous before them. I wanted them to affirm me and acknowledge me. I didn’t hear, “I’m proud of you.” The same goes for Cornerstone. I didn’t see love from both my parents. I was emotionally, and spiritually deprived. I was neglected and I cried often to be embraced and comforted. How much more to forgive my parents? They did their best to raise us, but they fell short of it. My mom isolated herself within her own religiosity. My dad in his work and hobbies.

My home environment was sterile and no love existed there. We were playing church and given false hope. This is the reality of my upbringing. Be that as that may, I have to remind you, reader, we are loved beyond our comprehension. Even though everyone around me failed me, God in his goodness kept me and spared me from his righteous judgment. It is enough to be in Christ, this is the essence of salvation.

This is what I missed when I attempted to take my life. My heart was not satisfied to be in Christ. It chased and mired in gluttony, lust, pride, envy,  greed, sloth, and wrath. The seven deadly sins that shaped my heart. 

Over the years, I isolated myself, not wanting relationships with people because I was going to get hurt. These sins I listed all pertain to selfishness and isolation. They go against loving your neighbor. I became bitter. Even though God provided for me every step of the way.

In 2014, a friend from church gave me nine thousand dollars to help pay off my student loan debt. In 2019, a friend rescued me from a mental institution after being assaulted there. It was a friend who got my car back from a complete stranger to whom I loaned the vehicle. He kept me in my madness through the grace of medicine. He’s always given me a job and I’ve always been provided for. 

Maybe there is a different perspective to my suicide attempt. Maybe I was crying out for help. Hoping somebody would realize the pain I was going through. I am being a way too hard on myself. My brain is a powerful organ that can attract and produce tangible results. It’s a goal-oriented mechanism and it has the power of life and death. I had shame-based thoughts which produce shame-based behavior. I always felt guilty because of my porn habit. 

My porn habit was my dirty little secret. I felt like I was never good enough with this habit. I felt trapped and spiraled out of control with shame and guilt. Because of my big belief in God, I had to be perfect and porn kept me from that. Fast forward to today, I”m free of porn because of the grace of God. I am worthy, I am complete, and I am enough. I reverse the shame and guilt thinking with positive affirmations.

I’ve embraced my sexuality and celebrated it when I have an urge. It’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with me having sexual urges. I wish knew this when I was younger. We’ll explore, despite my deep habit, more how I became successful.