Dear Diary: Entry One - Reflections

Dear Diary,

One of the advantages of writing is that you can write about anything that's on your heart.

I have been feeling hopeless, but take away the less.

I've been feeling hope, but a lot less than before.

I must confess that I'm a mess.

I enjoy rhyming and comparing my sentences to long lines that require patience and a pause.

Writing is my release, my way of unburdening myself.

I'm not in a dark place, but I'm not exactly happy either.

I'm somewhere in between.

I'm like a balloon filled with helium released into the sky.

I am free, and my direction is wherever the wind tells me to go.

I soar higher and higher, but POP, I can't take the altitude.

My pieces are everywhere: in a tree, some on the ground.

I am scattered and grounded.

Even though I have many states, I appreciate the perspective I gain while high as a functional balloon.

It doesn't last forever, being in the sky.

You eventually have to be grounded.

I write to get this thing off my chest.

Whatever this thing is.

It's not melancholy. It's not depression. It's a bit of numbness.

I want to feel alive, have the wind in my hair, and set my sails towards my goal.

I want to be alive. I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to feel alive.

I don't want to be a morose person or a Debby downer.

I have found that people care, and yet they don't.

They share their pity and do their best to encourage you.

And that's all they have to give.

Nobody likes a blue doom and gloom person.

I have been there before, so I'll leave it in the past.

As I sit here tonight, I'm determined to uncover the purpose and passion that will guide my life.

I have a lot going for me; I have a lot to look forward to.

Such as massage therapy school in January, where I am learning the meaning of healing through appropriate touch.

I finally have direction in my life.

Nothing terrible has happened.

As I write these words, I'm reminded of the many blessings in my life.

I have a good laptop, my mother is with me, and my nephew is healthy.

I have a place to rest and a car to get around.

I have income and a way to pay my bills.

I am well.

Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't.

As I reread these words, I am encouraged that this may be my passion.

I'm talking about my writing and the crafting of a narrative.

I enjoy combining words, like laying bricks and making a home for my thoughts.

Brick by brick, each word is laid on the foundation of my voice.

To share a bit more with you, I am transitioning off of Lithium, a medicine that I have been on for over ten years, and I'm moving towards a drug called Lamictal.

I am super nervous about the change because I might experience different side effects that I am not used to.

One of these is not finding the right words to describe a situation or an event correctly.

I don't want that as I use my words concisely to describe my situation or emotion.

I might tell my doctor to stick with Lithium.

I don't want to take it because it dulls my emotions.

Like I'm not alive anymore.

I used to be at 900 mg of Lithium for a few years, and I function very well.

I cried, laughed deeply, and felt the energy around me.

Now, I'm a body of grey.

I've stayed away from the jubilee of a human that I was when I was younger.

Anyway, I have hope.

The means of unburdening myself through these sentences is a joy to me.

I can express myself and not be bound by the hysteria and mania of my illness.

Diary, I end with a few quotes:

"Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.”

~Mother Teresa

"Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.”

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”

~ Marcus Aurelius

I like Marcus’s quote a lot because it gives power to you that you are the one who brings happiness.