Depression Deception

Depression deceives and tells tall tale lies of reality.

It's slow as molasses and it covers your internal eyes with smoke.

I know this because I live with a biological condition that interferes with my mood.

Some moments I am happy and the world is for me and other times its with terrible despair.

It paralyzes me and I am stuck in bed ruminating the worst thoughts about myself.

This is before Trintellix.

TRINTELLIX is a prescription medicine used in adults to treat a certain type of depression called Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

It gave me my life back.

I’ll use this metaphor to describe my freedom with the medicine.

It’s like I was stuck under a boulder.

The weight of depression is the boulder, crushing me and suffocating me.

Trintellix lifted that boulder and now I have perspective and the ability to explore the forest around me.

It’s a powerful medicine and I am thankful I am on it.

To be honest, I don’t think I’d be able to overcome my depression without the drug.

I've always dealt with depression, its been apart of me.

Sometimes it’d be at bay and other times it would consume me.

I don’t know why I was born this way or why my environment influenced my brain to behave the way it does.

I have a theory based on the books I’ve read and reflecting on my experiences.

When I was young I had difficulty speaking.

I was diagnosed with a phonological disorder.

I had trouble hearing since I had numerous surgeries for T tubes.

I couldn't breathe well, either.

As a kid, going to school was tough socially.

I didn’t fit in,  I was bullied because of my name and being overweight.

My siblings were indifferent to me.

They occasionally picked on me as siblings do.

Then on top of all that, I had dyslexia.

Here’s an overview of dyslexia from Google’s AI:

Dyslexia is a learning disability that affects how the brain processes written language.

It's also known as a reading disability or developmental dyslexia.

Dyslexia is characterized by difficulties with:

• Accurate and fluent word recognition

• Spelling

• Decoding

• Phonological awareness

• Verbal memory

• Verbal processing speed 

Other symptoms of dyslexia include: 

• Difficulty learning the names of letters 

• Problems telling apart letters with similar shapes 

• Trouble rhyming 

• Reluctance to read aloud in class 

• Persistent reading or spelling errors 

• Reversing numbers or letters 

• Remembering facts (including math facts) 

• Misunderstanding arithmetic signs 

• Reading or writing shows repetitions, additions, transpositions, omissions, substitutions, and reversals in letters, numbers and/or words 

Dyslexia is treatable and doesn't have to stand in the way of success.

Support is available to improve reading and writing skills and help those with the problem be successful at school and work.

It took six years of speech therapy to readjust how I viewed the verbal and written world.

By highschool, I was motivated to prove my intellectual vigor.

I was able to take the hardest classses like AP Goverment and AP Psychology.

Though I didn't excel in the classes, I didn't fail!

They challenged me and I went on to college eager to expand my knowledge.

And, it worked!

I don’t know why or how, but I was able to cure my dyslexia by reading a lot of books.

Over winter break I had a choice.

Either play video games or to read.

And, for whatever reason I chose reading.

I think it was the fact I had devoted so much time to games that it disgusted me.

I may have read between twenty to thirty books.

It was such an exciting time because I was discovering the ability to project stories into my mind.

I got off on a tangent.

So all those factors, to me, contributed to my life long relationship with depression.

There is a correlation with social isolation and depression which I definitely have experienced throughout my life.

Especially in my younger years.

I would say I hate depression, but it’s been apart of me for so long.

Maybe I am going out on a limb here, but depression has taught me a lot about life.

It sets the tone and expectations of what life could be.

It grounds me in a different perspective of reality.

Depression, in a way, helps me appreciate life.

At my worst, with depression I had thought of killing myself.

And, three years ago, I said screw it, I am going to try.

So I took a bottle of Lithium and said if this is it, I was going to die.

And, for whatever reason, I survived.

I know the reason.

It was God giving me a second chance.

So here are my musings.

From beyond the grave because I should have died.