So much of my life has been consumed by high-control religious environments. Even though in my twenties I did what I wanted, lived a full life, and explored the world, I was still bound and influenced by church environments where I wore a mask and pretended to blend into the community.
I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
There were four churches that I became a member of, affirming their doctrines and creeds.
Trinity Baptist Church (New Haven, CT - Nick Lauer & Matt Coburn):
Being explicitly affiliated with 9Marks and The Gospel Coalition (TGC) is a significant structural indicator of how a church operates.
The 9Marks Network: Founded by Mark Dever, 9Marks functions as a modern framework for church structure and membership. Its model emphasizes membership covenants, elder-led authority, accountability, and formal church discipline.
The Gospel Coalition (TGC): TGC represents an influential center of modern Neo-Calvinist thought. It emphasizes defined theological boundaries, complementarian gender roles, human depravity, submission, and pastoral authority.
Southern Baptist Convention (SBC): Connection with the SBC places the local church within a broader conservative denominational structure and network.
NorthWake Church (Wake Forest, NC - Larry Trotter):
Control Model: Reformed Baptist / 9Marks-aligned (Southern Baptist Convention).
High-Control Identifiers: NorthWake uses a formal Covenant Membership structure. Its governing documents require members to make commitments involving submission to church elders, small-group accountability, and adherence to its church discipline policies. Its published positions also address circumstances in which church discipline may be applied to members who seek divorce or leave the church.
Summit Church (Raleigh, NC campuses - J.D. Greer):
Control Model: SBC Megachurch / Neo-Calvinist Network.
High-Control Identifiers: Summit operates through a high-commitment membership structure that includes covenant membership, small-group accountability, complementarian gender roles, and a centralized leadership model.
Cornerstone Christian Center (Milford, CT — Alfred D. Watts):
Structure: Non-denominational Charismatic / Word of Faith / Full Gospel tradition.
High-Control Identifiers: This environment places significant emphasis on pastoral authority and spiritual covering. Its model relies less on formal doctrinal structures and more on emotional intensity, alignment with pastoral vision, spiritual warfare language, and strong expectations surrounding tithing and personal devotion.
I have spent a great deal of time thinking about the men who led these environments: Alfred D. Watts, J.D. Greer, Matt Coburn, Nick Lauer, and Larry Trotter.
I also think about Craig Morrisette, the man I allowed to influence me toward Neo-Calvinism.
I am angry.
I am angry that I allowed myself to be influenced by these men and by institutions whose expectations became deeply embedded in my understanding of myself.
If these men and these institutions represent God, then I want considerable distance from that version of Christianity.
The imagery of the church as the bride of Christ, the language of spiritual authority, the expectations surrounding submission, and the constant concern over whether one is sufficiently faithful became deeply troubling to me.
If rejecting these teachings means being called an apostate, or being told that I am going to hell because I am showing a “bitter” heart, then I am willing to live with that accusation.
I no longer want to live according to someone else’s definition of spiritual authenticity.
These men and these churches were significant influences on my deconstruction. I am no longer willing to pretend otherwise.
I am tired of wearing a mask.
I am tired of acting.
I don’t know who Jesus is anymore. If these men and these churches represent Jesus, then I want distance from that version of him as well.
Believe whatever you want. But I am drawing a line in the sand for myself.
If I am honest, I acted and pretended in almost every environment I entered.
In the mental hospital, I acted like a sane patient because I wanted an early discharge.
At church, I pretended to conform because I did not want to be ostracized from the community for questioning its creed and doctrine.
With my family, I presented myself as a struggling Christian who was simply trying to work out my salvation.
At work, I conformed to the culture while hiding my mental illness and many of my actual feelings.
I don’t think I have ever fully been myself in a workplace.
I conformed to the culture, but I hid parts of myself because I had learned that authenticity could have consequences.
I attempted suicide because I believed, deep down, that I was fundamentally inadequate and could never measure up to the purity and holiness I had been taught to pursue.
That is part of why I want the one place where I can be completely honest to be my own words.
This website is mine.
I am tired of being manipulated into propagating an idea of faith simply because I am expected to do so.
I am not going to surrender my conscience to an institution or to a man.
The modern Christian culture I experienced does not look like the Christianity I was told it represented. At times, it has looked profoundly controlling.
And if this control is simply a modern corruption of Christianity, then I think it is reasonable to examine the foundation itself.
The Bible contains numerous passages in which God directly causes death:
Genesis 6:5–7 — God decides to destroy humanity in the Flood.
Genesis 7:21–23 — The Flood kills humans and animals outside the ark.
Genesis 19:24–25 — God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and sulfur.
Exodus 12:12, 29–30 — God strikes down the firstborn of Egypt.
Exodus 32:27–28 — After the golden calf, about 3,000 people are killed by the Levites following Moses’ command.
Leviticus 10:1–2 — Nadab and Abihu are consumed by divine fire.
Numbers 11:1–3 — God sends fire against Israelites complaining in the wilderness.
Numbers 14:26–37 — God condemns the rebellious generation to die in the wilderness.
Numbers 16:31–35 — The earth swallows Korah and others; fire kills additional people.
Numbers 21:4–6 — God sends venomous snakes among Israel.
2 Samuel 6:6–7 — Uzzah touches the Ark and is struck dead.
2 Samuel 24:15–17 — God sends a plague that kills 70,000 Israelites following David’s census.
A God Who Commands or Authorizes Killing
There are also passages in which Israel is commanded to destroy other populations:
Deuteronomy 7:1–2 — Israel is commanded to destroy several Canaanite peoples.
Deuteronomy 13:6–10 — Israelites who advocate worshiping other gods are to be executed.
Deuteronomy 20:16–18 — Israel is instructed not to leave alive certain populations in cities designated for destruction.
Joshua 6:20–21 — After Jericho falls, the Israelites kill men, women, young and old, and animals.
Joshua 8:24–25 — The population of Ai is killed.
Judges 20:35–48 — Israel destroys much of Benjamin in civil war.
1 Samuel 15:1–3 — Saul is commanded to destroy the Amalekites, including men, women, children, and infants.
Numbers 31:7–18 — Israelites kill Midianite males and are subsequently instructed to kill male children and women who had sexual relations with men.
A God Who Is an Avenger
There are also passages where divine vengeance is explicitly celebrated or threatened:
Deuteronomy 32:35 — Vengeance belongs to God.
Deuteronomy 32:41–43 — God describes taking vengeance on enemies.
Isaiah 34:2 — God’s anger and destruction are directed against nations.
Isaiah 63:3–6 — God describes trampling enemies and carrying out vengeance.
Jeremiah 46:10 — The “day of the Lord” is described as a day of vengeance.
Nahum 1:2 — God is described as jealous and vengeful.
Ezekiel 25:14 — God promises vengeance against Edom.
Psalm 137:7–9 — A brutally violent prayer asks for vengeance against Babylon, including the killing of infants.
The Hebrew Bible is extremely complicated and contains passages that are difficult to reconcile with modern moral intuitions.
You might say, “Well, that was the Old Testament.”
The New Testament isn’t necessarily easier.
The New Testament introduces passages that escalate the stakes from temporary physical destruction to eternal punishment, while also demanding profound and sometimes life-altering sacrifice.
Eternal Torment, Vengeance, and Divine Execution
Revelation 19:11–15 & 14:9–11: Jesus returns on a white horse with eyes like flames of fire to make war, striking down nations with a sword and treading the “winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty.” The condemned are described as being tormented with fire and sulfur, with the smoke of their torment rising forever.
2 Thessalonians 1:7–9: Jesus is revealed from heaven in flaming fire, bringing vengeance against those who do not know God or obey the gospel, who are described as experiencing everlasting destruction.
Acts 5:1–11: Ananias and Sapphira die after lying about money they had given to the apostles.
Hebrews 10:28–31: The passage warns that those who reject Christ deserve punishment more severe than death under Mosaic Law, concluding that it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
Matthew 25:41: Jesus describes the condemned as departing into eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.
The Harsh “Cost” of Discipleship and Family Destruction
Luke 14:26: Jesus uses extremely strong language about placing loyalty to him above one’s father, mother, spouse, children, siblings, and even one’s own life.
Matthew 10:34–37: Jesus says that he did not come to bring peace but a sword, describing division within families.
Luke 14:33: Jesus teaches that disciples must give up everything they have.
Matthew 8:21–22: When a follower asks to bury his deceased father before following Jesus, Jesus tells him to follow immediately.
Mark 9:43–47: Jesus uses graphic imagery involving cutting off a hand or foot and removing an eye rather than entering hell while retaining the offending body part.
If you want to follow and surrender to that God, that is your decision.
But don’t tell me I don’t understand the decision I am making.
I have spent years thinking about this.
I also have to confront what the Bible says about slavery and hierarchy.
Explicit Biblical Support for Slavery
Leviticus 25:44–46: The text allows Israelites to purchase slaves from surrounding nations, treat them as permanent property, and pass them down to their children as an inheritance.
Exodus 21:20–21: The text describes circumstances in which a master who beats a male or female slave is not punished if the slave survives for a day or two, because the slave is described as the master’s property.
Ephesians 6:5 & 1 Peter 2:18: The New Testament instructs slaves to obey their earthly masters with respect and fear, including masters who are harsh.
Patriarchy and the Subjugation of Women
1 Timothy 2:11–12: Women are instructed to learn in quietness and submission, and the author states that he does not permit a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man.
1 Corinthians 14:34: Women are instructed to remain silent in churches and submit.
Ephesians 5:22–24: Wives are instructed to submit to their husbands, with the husband described as the head of the wife.
These passages create serious questions for anyone trying to reconcile biblical authority with modern concepts of equality, individual autonomy, and human rights.
I was born into this world of assumptions.
I attended Liberty University, a Christian institution that became another significant part of my religious formation.
I have spent years inside these systems.
I have spent years trying to understand them.
And I have spent years trying to understand myself within them.
I am no longer interested in pretending that everything is fine.
I am no longer interested in hiding my doubts simply because they make other people uncomfortable.
I am no longer interested in allowing religious institutions or religious leaders to determine what I am permitted to think.
This is where I am.
I don’t know exactly where I am going from here.
But for the first time, I want to find out without pretending.