God in the Mindstorm: My Journey Through Psychosis and Faith

I am Jesus.

I weep with those who weep.

I atone for the sins of the world.

I search for those who are hungry, poor, and suffering.

I am the great I am.

This is what surges through my brain as I undergo mania and psychosis.

Have you seen or known anyone with bipolar or schizophrenia?

I'll give you a glimpse into the inner world of those with this condition.

There is a commonality that they feel like they are the second coming of Christ or have a messianic calling.

It was 2008 when I first experienced mania, and I felt in my heart that I was Jesus.

I wanted to save the world from suffering and be a light to the lost.

As I write this, I no longer believe I am Jesus or that I have a calling to save the world.

I find it fascinating that my mindset wasn't isolated but shared among those who have mental illness.

Why do we all share that same thought process?

What triggers someone to believe they are Jesus out of everyone in the world?

I believe it's because of our suffering, and the man who suffered the most was Christ.

I often recited the verse, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

When I was younger, I was hyper-charismatic and had a pulse of suffering for those around me.

Now, I examine my past self and see it was symptomatic of my condition.

I still observe the Christian tradition, and it's less emotional.

It may be because of my anhedonia or the trauma that I've endured throughout the years.

I can't tell you why I was afflicted with mental suffering and why I endured it; however, I am clear of mind now to realize that I've done a lot of things because of my condition.

But I am not bipolar or schizophrenic.

When I am manic or in psychosis, it's like I am out of body, watching what I make up or believe.

I think I'm longing for something.

Like seeing a pillar of fire and a pillar of cloud.

I so badly want the supernatural to be known.

When I was younger, I thought anything was possible and that it would come to pass if I believed in it.

These days, I feel like I'm fading, like I'm not being known and drifting away.

It's because of all the pain and trauma that I've endured over the years.

A part of the reason why I write is to remind myself and others with similar sufferings that I am not alone.