I Am the Savior of My Own Life

The story of Barnaby, who kept going.

Thanks for sticking around after my severe feelings of reorientation of my worldview.

I found it necessary to share the feelings of what I shared in the last post.

It could have been in better taste.

I don’t regret my position right now regarding the churches I was a member of or my position and feelings towards Jesus, God, and the Bible.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what this life means.

The one thing I will say when I was younger and into my faith.

It gave me purpose and direction.

The suffering from mental illness that has been with me since 17, dealing with that, allowed me to keep going.

To see that God had a plan for my life and that he allowed my suffering for my good.

A little sick after I think about it, because if a loving God were out there doing his best to protect me from the suffering of bipolar and schizoaffective disorder, he did a shitty job.

It could have been a lot worse; I’ll give you that.

When I think about my story, you know who survived the illness and all the episodes?

I did.

It was me who pushed through; it was me who kept going, and it was me who kept reading and not letting go of my autonomy.

I did it.

Could this be pride that I am feeling?

Possibly, but for once in my life I am believing I’m not a shitty person.

I believe I am good, and that goodness was my choice. The empathy I felt- that was me.

The teenager coming back from Mexico and Haiti who cried over the simple things of a microwave and a safe home- that was me.

I was a very sensitive person. I felt the world and the pain of others.

I cared.

That wasn’t God or Jesus through me.

That was me as a person because I was aware and wide-eyed about the suffering of the world around me.

I responded to the injustice, the cruelty, and darkness in the world.

I was determined to leave this world a better place.

The sad part about this story, I lost hope in myself.

I gave up.

I stopped trying, and I sincerely believed the idea that I was an evil person living in a corrupt world.

That was reading the Bible and learning Neo-Calvinist theology.

I needed a savior.

I was helpless.

The shame I felt, the unworthiness of my soul- that all came from Christianity.

I do not need to surrender to a man who lived 2,000 years ago. I will not submit to a pastor in a congregation.

For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to have respect and dignity for myself.

I am worthy.

I am not a worm.

I will not give false humility for the sake of the Christian crowd.

5 years ago, I decided to kill myself because of a toxic view of Christianity.

I thought it’d be better to end my life now because I couldn’t live up to the purity of God rather than revel in sin.

Look, you may say, “Barnaby, there’s a better Christianity out there; keep searching.”

No, I have decided that all of it is toxic. The environments in which I used to practice were toxic to the mind.

I do not need a savior.

I am the savior of my own world. I am the salvation of my own life. I am.

It’s freeing to finally come to a point to look at myself and say I did it.

I am the one who decided my fate, and I kept going.

No one can take that away from me.

You know what I wonder? I wonder if sin is good, if sin is the thing that keeps us alive and going.

The fall of man, according to Genesis, was to be like God, knowing good and evil.

I find it necessary that we needed to choose sin. If we needed to choose sin, then it was good for us to realize the reality of this world.

If Adam and Eve didn’t miss the mark, none of us would be here today.

Anyway, missing the mark is okay because it’s a part of the human experience and learning process.

I no longer believe in sin anymore, nor in penal substitution atonement theory, or original sin,

If there is a God, I see him as dynamic, walking with us, surprised by our actions and thoughts. Sometimes proud, sometimes a little disappointed. Just like a human father.

If there is a God like that, I’d gladly believe in him.

But the Bible doesn’t paint God as dynamic, but more static.

So I’m letting go of the static deity and the requirement to feel small.

If a loving, dynamic God is out there, maybe we’ll meet on those terms someday.

Wherever you are on your own path—whether you’re holding onto faith, letting it go, or just trying to survive your own mind today—I hope you allow yourself the grace to just be human.

Thanks for sticking around and letting me share my truth.