I Don’t Want to Die, But Sometimes My Brain Thinks I Do

In my lifetime, I have had millions of thoughts of ending my life.

It's my brain wanting peace through the chaos.

My body wants to live, my soul wants to live, and I want to live.

Yet, when I don't meet expectations or let myself down, the familiar thought of "Oh, wouldn't life be better if I was dead?" comes back, and I entertain the idea that life would be better if I weren't here.

The fourth anniversary of my suicide attempt is coming up in June.

In June of 2021, I almost died because the Lithium, a mood stabilizer, nearly killed my kidneys.

I was placed on dialysis, and the doctors were skeptical that I would survive.

Here I am today, alive and well, with my kidneys intact.

Okay, so what do we do when our brain says you need to die or if you are better off dead?

Well, for me, it's writing.

Writing helps process the absurdity of the thought and creates a blueprint for overcoming it.

Almost every day, I struggle with intrusive thoughts.

Today, I figure why not write about the monster in my head and call it out for what it is.

Intrusive thoughts are a trauma response.

My first intrusive thought was when I was eight years old, trying to create a hidden suicide.

A hidden suicide is the act of suicide by making it look like an accident.

Even though I have had this mental weight holding me back, I have become successful in many ways.

My theory as to why I am like this is because of the immense amount of trauma in childhood and because we live in a fallen world.

Some would blame God, but I don't think God is to blame.

I believe it's sin and the curse of being in a fallen body.

That's my best guess, and it works in my narrative.

I want to share some of my methods for dealing with intrusive thoughts because, who knows, maybe it will help someone else.

One of the most crucial things I've learned is acknowledging the thought without engaging with it.

Instead of fighting or suppressing the thought, I observe it.

"Oh, there's that thought again," I'll say to myself, almost as if acknowledging an unwanted guest at a party.

I try not to judge the thought or myself for having it. It's simply a thought, and thoughts aren't facts.

This detachment creates a space between me and the intrusive thought, weakening its power over me.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers valuable tools for managing intrusive thoughts, particularly the diffusion technique.

Instead of fighting or suppressing these thoughts, which often strengthens them, diffusion encourages creating distance from them.

It involves acknowledging the thought without engaging with its content or believing it to be a directive.

By observing the thought as a mental event rather than a reflection of reality or a personal failing, individuals can weaken its grip and reduce the distress it causes.

This allows them to focus on their values and pursue meaningful actions, even in the presence of unwanted thoughts.

I learned about ACT a few years ago in the pursuit of reclaiming my mind.

By knowing about this modality of healing, I have used Chat GPT to give me exercises to practice.

Which has been super valuable.

It is more valuable than having a therapist, which Chat GPT comes close to replacing.

If this thought lives in your head, too, just know that you're not the only one still choosing to stay.

We're still here, and that means we still have time.