Impeccable Imperfection

An examination of attempting to be perfect in an imperfect world.

Impeccable embodies the concept of absolute perfection; it represents a state of being flawlessly virtuous and sinless.

We live in an imperfect world, and it seems impossible to live impeccably.

My childhood was to live impeccably and have a high standard of living.

I failed, though, because I was turned on sexually at an early age.

I led a hidden life of sexually explicit material throughout my childhood and teenage years.

As I matured, the weight of shame and guilt became increasingly heavy, impacting my thoughts and actions.

There was an incongruency between what I professed and what I did.

My pastor consistently emphasized to me and the congregation that engaging in sex before marriage is not only sinful but also detrimental to our spiritual well-being.

This principle encourages us to respect the sacredness of the marriage covenant.

Even though I have never had sex, I am not without sin.

I have consumed and lusted an innumerable amount of time, and it seemed impossible to have lived another life other than that.

If I had to be honest, my consumption of this explicit material led me to kill myself a few years ago.

I found myself overwhelmingly frustrated with this part of my life.

It's a challenge that needs attention and resolution.

I felt like I needed to punish myself with death.

I understand this situation is drastic, and I am not proud.

How do I reconcile my sexuality?

Do I suppress it like I have been and deem it immoral?

That's not wise; in this situation, an oceanic amount of grace is needed.

As I reflect, there was too much emphasis on purity.

We are sexual beings, and I should embrace that.

It's okay to have urges for sex and to be attracted to women.

I think my problem is that I have had a wrong view of sex, and it was devoid of feelings.

I'd imagine that there isn't anything special to sex, and it can become dull after a while.

I used the orgasm to soothe my pain, and I felt like because I had control over my sexual organs, that meant I had power in my life.

I think it's sad that I have encapsulated myself in this mental world of lust and not experienced the real rawness of sex.

Nothing is holding me back now, but I realized that intimacy and feelings are worth cherishing as investments in a relationship.

If I didn't have such a hyper fixation towards porn, I'd be impeccable. :D

But that's our imperfect world; childhood traumas influence us as adults.

I don't think porn is wrong because it's an art form.

If you want to look at porn, so be it.

However, I have experienced that porn creates less of an incentive to build an actual relationship with a woman.

I think it creates a misunderstanding of sex and sets a high expectation for the end-user.

So that's the sexual aspect of my life.

I have been bitter and have held my anger.

I've been a glutton and an alcoholic.

I've not taken care of my body, and I have not love as I should have.

I had lied and cheated when I was younger.

I'm a flawed, impulsive, and imperfect human being.

What do I do?

How do I live with myself?

What do I do with all this shame and guilt?

I felt I needed to be punished for my behaviors throughout my life.

I professed to be a Christian, and I grew up within Christianity, and I missed it.

At the heart of the Gospel lies the powerful theme of redemption.

Even though we fail and stray from God's plan, He redeems us through sacrificing His Son's blood.

This leads us to repent, which means to change our minds and to turn away from previous behaviors.

In my heart, I love reveling in my pleasures.

However, it never filled the hole in my heart.

As I persist in my writing, my spirit radiates with the clarity of truth.

We are broken, and we need something to fix it.