Living Life Beyond Porn
Today, I realized I am getting tired of talking about porn.
That feels strange to write because for years it occupied so much of my mental world. I counted days. I tracked failures. I analyzed relapses. I treated porn like the central villain in my story.
But the more I reflect, the more I wonder if porn was ever the main story.
This month I have slipped six times. Looking at the data, I can see that old parts of me want to catastrophize that number. Yet another part of me notices that I am no longer compulsively using it the way I once did. I am not spending money the way I once did. I am not trapped in the same shame spiral.
I also remembered something important: I have bipolar type schizoaffective disorder. Hypersexuality is a documented symptom. Throughout my life, there have been biological, psychological, relational, and spiritual factors all interacting at once. The story is more complicated than “I am an addict” or “I am a sinner.”
For years, my cycle looked something like:
Christian → Must Stop → Fail → Self-Hatred → More Addiction → More Self-Hatred
The problem was that the behavior became the center of my attention. Porn became the main character. My entire spiritual life revolved around trying not to do something.
Today I found myself asking different questions:
Why should I stop any addiction?
What is the healthiest way to pursue change?
If I never eliminated this behavior, who would I still want to be?
What has remained true about me even when my behaviors changed?
Who am I when all the external reasons are stripped away?
Those questions feel deeper than the old ones.
As I reflected on my life, I noticed that many things have changed. My theology has changed. My jobs have changed. My habits have changed. My addictions have changed. My opinions have changed.
Yet one thing seems to remain.
I am seeking.
I have always been seeking.
Seeking God.
Seeking truth.
Seeking meaning.
Seeking healing.
Seeking understanding.
Seeking connection.
The object changes, but the seeking remains.
I also realized something about why I wrote “The Cost of Porn.”
Part of me was crying out for help.
Not necessarily because I wanted someone to fix me, but because I wanted someone to understand what happened to me.
I spent years hating myself.
As a child, I hated myself.
As a young adult, I hated myself.
Even after becoming a Christian, I often hated myself.
The reasons changed, but the verdict remained the same.
Yet somewhere along the way, that changed.
Today, I am disappointed in myself at times, but I do not think I hate myself anymore.
That may be one of the biggest changes in my entire story.
The question is no longer:
“How do I become someone who never struggles?”
The question is:
“Who am I becoming?”
And perhaps the answer is that I am becoming someone who is learning to seek truth without condemning himself.
Someone who is learning to understand rather than merely judge.
Someone who is still searching.
And maybe that has been true all along.