Losing Emotional Momentum
I don’t even feel like writing this today, but I want to highlight what I’m experiencing in my head and share what’s going on.
It seems like I’m headed into a depression right now.
Yes, I’m taking my meds.
I feel slow, and I don’t have a lot of hope.
This car accident, the new job, and the ability or lack of it to have independence. All of that is catching up to me.
Despite all that, I went ahead and started a GoFundMe fundraiser.
You can find the link here.
I’m trying not to isolate or give up.
I’m trying to stay proactive instead of shutting down.
Depression is strange because from the outside, people can think you’re just tired, lazy, or unmotivated.
But depression feels heavier than that. It feels like your mind slows down and your perspective narrows. Things that normally feel manageable suddenly feel overwhelming.
Simple tasks can start to feel exhausting. Hope becomes harder to access. Even the future can begin to look smaller.
For me, depression does not always feel dramatic. Sometimes it feels quiet.
It feels like losing emotional momentum.
I’ve learned over the years that stress compounds. The car accident, the financial pressure, losing independence, trying to prepare for a new job, and the uncertainty surrounding everything all started stacking on top of each other.
And when you live with a disorder like schizoaffective disorder, those stressors can hit harder.
That’s why I pay attention when I notice myself slowing down emotionally and mentally. Years ago, I probably would not have recognized the signs until I was fully submerged in depression.
Now I can feel the shift happening earlier.
That insight matters.
One of the biggest dangers with depression is isolation. The mind starts telling you to withdraw, shut down, stop talking to people, and disappear into yourself.
I’ve done that before, and it only made things worse.
So even though I feel overwhelmed right now, I’m still trying to stay connected to people. I’m still writing. I’m still taking my medication. I’m still going to counseling. I’m still praying.
I’m trying to keep moving, even if it’s slower than usual.
I think one of the hardest things about depression is that your feelings start presenting themselves as objective reality.
Your mind tells you:
“This is permanent.”
“Nothing is going to improve.”
“You’re stuck.”
“You’re failing.”
But feelings are not always reliable narrators.
Sometimes depression is not a sign that your life is over. Sometimes it’s a sign that your mind and body are overwhelmed and need support, structure, rest, and patience.
I’m still learning how to live with all of this.
But I’m also learning that living with a mental health condition is not about becoming perfect.
It’s about learning how to stabilize before you completely fall apart.
And right now, that’s what I’m trying to do.
To be honest, I feel like escaping and getting drunk.
I know I’m not going to, but I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you the realness of my situation and how I feel stuck right now.
I’m trying to think about a verse or verses since I’ve now aligned myself with Christianity. Even though I feel this way, I know God will provide.
Yes, I said I wanted to get drunk and put a Band-Aid on it.
I don’t know. But here are some verses that Chat GPT gave me, it’s 2 Corinthians 4:8-9:
8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
And then there’s Psalms 34:18:
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
And Isaiah 40:31:
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength…”
And lastly, Psalm 42:11:
“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?”
Today is a reminder to myself to just keep my head down and keep persevering.
I hope this helps. Maybe next week it’ll get better.
~Barnaby