Moving on...

You may wonder why the heck I even write? Why do I have my own domain and newsletter?

Writing for me helps me process my thoughts and synthesize what I hear and learn. It’s healthy for me. I welcome different viewpoints and, look, I may be wrong, which I’m okay with.

I was going to vent about a conversation with someone that I had regarding faith, but it’s not worth my time. People will have different viewpoints, especially when their careers depend on it.

Right now in my life, I’ve come to terms with not believing in Christ. I’m okay with the reality that, under the evangelical system, I’m marked for eternal damnation.

However, because of a lack of faith, do I hate my neighbor and start lying, get drunk, start stealing, and continue practicing porn because none of it matters? Whatever sin you can think of, does my behavior get thrown out the window because I don’t believe or have a worldview of Christ?

I believe in God, and I am wrestling with Jesus as God. Could there be a point where I believe he is the savior, that he died for my sins, and that he was a ransom to pay a debt to a holy and just God?

Maybe I won’t rule that out.

Right now, I know what I have been through. I’ve lived with and experienced psychosis, mania, and depression. I’ve lost my mind a lot in my life, and I almost died by suicide a few years ago.

It’s a miracle for me to write and use logic today. It feels like people look past that when they talk to me because I have a level of competence.

When I think about my thinking, the reason why I write and understand the logic of what I believe and the evangelical space in which I believed is that I grew up in it and it was my life.

It was my identity, the way I made friends.

Part of me wants to let go and not dwell on it. Like, what’s the point of making a defense or studying a system of belief when I don’t believe in it anymore?

Maybe that’s my nihilism in me. Or, maybe it’s self-preservation.

All that to say, as much as I want to document what I am learning and how all of this makes sense, it’s okay for me to drop it.

I don’t want to argue with people and get into a debate. We live in a time where we have the freedom to practice and believe in any God.

I simply don’t believe Jesus is God.

I do believe my actions and work do matter, and it’s not by faith alone. I live with the understanding that God will judge me for that.

If I find out that it’s by having the correct doctrine and creed that saves me, well, so be it.