My Chaotic Chemicals
My chaotic chemicals are something I’ve faced since puberty.
I wonder why I have been given this blessing or curse of mental illness.
As I reflect, this seems like a lifelong burden that no one else can bear.
How come?
How come I was born this way?
It seems like a cruel joke that God gave me this burden.
Maybe I shouldn’t blame Him.
Maybe I should blame my environment.
Or the fallen state that we all live in.
I’m trying my best not to be defined by mental illness.
I did well for a few years in North Carolina.
I took the meds, sought therapy, and went to the psychiatrist.
I have been compliant for the most part.
In the beginning, I questioned the doctors if I had bipolar.
I never experienced anosognosia, which is a lack of awareness and insight into a mental condition.
It affects the frontal cortex and is something you cannot escape.
Below are some scary stats of anosognosia:
Schizophrenia: 50–90% of people with schizophrenia have anosognosia or a severe lack of insight.
Bipolar disorder: 40% of people with bipolar disorder have anosognosia.
By God's grace, I’m of the 10% with Schizophrenia that has insight into the condition.
I can recognize my psychosis and delusions when they are happening.
I can distinguish the voices in my head as not being real.
The government is not after me, the devil is not after me, and I am not being watched.
I invested a lot of time to be able not to fall for the delusions.
I read countless books to be able to use my reason to cultivate a growth mindset.
Maybe I should lay to rest the questions of why or how.
Instead, I should focus on the gift of awareness and insight given to me.
I should steward it well and help others struggling with these conditions.
When I first entered into psychosis, I thought I was a prophet or Jesus himself.
I attempted to read minds and intentions and cast my thoughts onto others.
I believed I could do anything, and I was limitless.
It reminds me of the Greek story of Icarus.
Google AI tells us more below:
The Story:
Daedalus, a talented craftsman, built wings for himself and his son Icarus out of feathers and beeswax.
Before flying, Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun or the sea.
However, Icarus became so excited about flying that he forgot his father's warnings and flew too high.
The wax on his wings melted, and he fell into the sea and drowned.
The Meaning:
The story of Icarus is often told as a cautionary tale about the dangers of excessive ambition, recklessness, and not listening to good advice.
The phrase "don't fly too close to the sun" refers to Icarus' actions.
The Legacy:
The story of Icarus has inspired many works of art.
The term "Icarus syndrome" describes leaders who are overly ambitious or overconfident in their own judgment.
Mania does that.
It surges you with incredible thoughts and energy only to fly close to the sun.
To clarify, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I when I was 17, and then I was rediagnosed Schizoaffective when I was 30.
I heard voices telling me to kill myself, and I went into psychosis that year.
That's probably why the doctors diagnosed me as Schizophrenic.
It's pretty wild if you ask me.
To more awareness and insight!