My Testimony: Finding God in the Depths of Mental Illness

The Darkness I Couldn’t Escape

I used to think that if God was real, I wouldn’t be like this.

I wouldn’t be trapped in my own mind, hearing voices that weren’t there.

I wouldn’t wake up feeling like a stranger in my own body.

I wouldn’t feel this deep, crushing sense of hopelessness that made me wonder if life was even worth it.

But I did.

I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and Bipolar Type 1. That diagnosis wasn’t just a label—it was a prison. I’ve been hospitalized 17 or 18 times since I was 17 years old. Some nights, I wasn’t sure I’d wake up the next morning. Other nights, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

I fought, I struggled, and I ran from the pain in every way I could—through alcohol, through workaholism, through addiction, through anything that would numb the weight of my own mind.

But no matter how hard I tried to escape, I always ended up in the same place—alone with my thoughts, wondering if I was beyond saving.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” — Psalm 73:26

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The Moment I Thought It Was Over

Four years ago, I tried to take my life.

I don’t say that for shock value. I say it because I didn’t think I would make it here. I didn’t think there was a future for me. The darkness had won.

And yet… I survived.

I remember lying in that hospital bed, thinking, Why am I still here? God, if you’re real, why didn’t you just let me go?

That was my breaking point. I had no strength left. And that’s when I finally stopped fighting.

I didn’t hear a booming voice from the sky.

I didn’t feel an instant, miraculous healing.

I just… knew.

Knew that I wasn’t alone.

Knew that God had been with me even in the moments I thought He had abandoned me.

Knew that my story wasn’t over.

That was the first time I truly understood grace.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” — Psalm 34:18

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The Road to Healing (And Why It Wasn’t Instant)

I wish I could tell you that after that moment, everything changed overnight.

That my illness disappeared.

That I never doubted again.

That I suddenly became this perfectly put-together Christian.

But that’s not how healing works.

I still take medication.

I still wrestle with my thoughts.

I still have days where I feel the weight of my past creeping in.

But here’s the difference:

I know I’m not fighting alone anymore.

I know that my diagnosis doesn’t define me—God does.

I know that even when I stumble, even when I fail, even when I don’t feel “worthy” of grace… Jesus already paid for it.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9

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Why I Believe: The Search for Truth

I didn’t blindly accept Christianity.

I searched. I studied. I challenged my faith.

I explored atheism, materialism, pantheism, and Eastern philosophies. I wanted to know if Christianity was just a cultural belief I inherited—or if it actually made sense in the real world.

🔥 Atheism told me that I was just neurons firing in a meaningless universe. That my suffering was random. That there was no ultimate justice, no redemption—just chaos.

🔥 Buddhism told me to detach, to let go of suffering, to see pain as an illusion. But I couldn’t. My suffering was real, my mind was real, my struggle was real.

🔥 Islam and Judaism gave me a moral structure, but neither could answer how a just God could truly forgive the unforgivable without grace.

🔥 New Age spirituality told me that I was my own god, that I had the power within myself. But if that were true, why couldn’t I save myself from my own darkness?

I weighed every belief system.

And every time, I kept coming back to Jesus.

📌 Because only in Jesus did I find both justice and mercy.

📌 Only in Jesus did I find a God who didn’t stay distant—but entered into human suffering.

📌 Only in Jesus did I find a Savior who took the weight of sin, shame, and suffering upon Himself, so that I didn’t have to carry it alone.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28

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If You’re Struggling, This is For You

I don’t know where you are right now.

I don’t know what you’ve been through.

I don’t know what battles you’re fighting in your mind.

But I do know this:

🔥 You are not too broken to be redeemed.

🔥 You are not beyond God’s grace.

🔥 Your story is not over.

Maybe you’ve been told that you need to “just have more faith” and your struggles will go away.

Maybe you feel like God is silent and distant.

Maybe you don’t even know if you believe at all.

I get it.

But I promise you this—God is not afraid of your doubt, your pain, or your questions. He is big enough to handle all of it. And even if you don’t feel Him right now, He is still there.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” — Romans 8:38-39

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Final Thought: This is an Invitation, Not a Sales Pitch

I’m not here to convince you.

I’m not here to debate theology.

I’m just here to tell you what I’ve lived.

🚀 If you’ve ever felt abandoned, I’m here to tell you—you’re not.

🚀 If you think you’re too broken, I promise you, God specializes in broken things.

🚀 If you think your story is over, trust me—it’s not.

📌 If this resonates with you, reach out. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. If you’re questioning everything, I won’t give you easy answers—but I will walk with you through the hard ones.

Your story isn’t over. Let’s talk.