My Thoughts on Lust and Sex

A take on porn and intimacy.

I was thinking this morning about how I view sex and lust.

My journey with sex and lust has been a struggle, one that I don't think I've always handled well.

It began at an early age when I was exposed to porn, which skewed my perspective on sex and intimacy.

It skewed my perspective on sex and intimacy at an early age.

I experienced the orgasm as a way of escape from my problem.

I used porn as a fantasy to escape my life and not to embrace the emotions that bubbled up to the surface.

These emotions were suppressed, and I developed low self-esteem and didn't feel good about myself.

My upbringing in a religious household played a significant role in shaping my views on sex and lust.

We were active in church and did our best to live obedient lives.

However, we didn't express our emotions or healthy emotions.

There was a lot of fighting and arguing from my parents growing up.

My Dad was a very hot-tempered man.

He had a lot of unprocessed issues and was un-honest as he got older.  

He didn't address his health, his emotions, and his finances.

He was very good at suppressing his emotions.

He never talked to me about girls or sex.

Neither did my Mom.

Talking about sex was taboo, and it felt like it was sinful.

As a child, I never saw sex as healthy or good.

Because of my early experience of porn, I saw lust and sex, and my sexuality as a bad thing.

I learned about sex in school and through my own experience with porn.

Despite my struggles, I've always desired healthy relationships.

However, my early experiences with porn made it difficult for me to establish intimacy and commitment.

I felt like having a relationship meant you were going to have sex.

Since sex was terrible, I felt like relationships were wrong.

My parents told me I couldn't have a girlfriend until I was 18 or older.

I opted out since my views of sex were so warped.

Instead, I chose the comfort of porn to soothe my emotions and commitment.

Porn gave me a false sense of security.

It promised me an assurance of euphoria, but it always gave me shame and guilt.

My complex with sex and lust further as I made a vow at 16 to remain pure before God and my community.

That meant I wouldn't have sex before marriage and wouldn't act out on my lust.

I did not keep all of my vows until later on in life as I started to address the root cause of my addiction and warped views of sex.

I'm 33 years old, and I am still a virgin.

I thought about throwing away my virginity and sacrificing it to the altar of the gods; however, after much contemplation, I'm going to save it for my wife.

I don't actively view porn like I used to.

It still lingers, and I'm tempted, but I don't condemn myself for those temptations or give in.

My porn habit has changed to where I involve myself with a live person on a random chat site.

We "play" and have "fun."

After we use each other, we talk about life and the reality that this fantasy we partook in is not real.

It's the closest thing for me to having a relationship and relating my sexuality to a woman.

The more I talk about sex and lust with my partners on these sites, the more I realize that we are a product of the machine.

We are both acting out from our childhood as, most of the time, we were exposed to unhealthy sex.

It's given me perspective, and honestly, I don't want to practice investing myself with these webcam girls.

Even though we both consent to having virtual sex, it still feels wrong.

If I had to be completely transparent, I talk to these girls to use them for my pleasure.

I have no intention of having a relationship with them.

It's pure lust.

However, I realized they have emotions and dreams.

Just like me.

It feels wrong to use them for my pleasure.

Going to pornhub is one thing, but involving yourself with a live human being and talking about life is another.

Even though I have never had sex, I still am not pure, according to the Bible.

And here's why: Matthew 5:28

"But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Jesus makes it clear that as you lust after a woman, you have committed adultery in your heart.

I have done that many, many, many times over.

Proverbs 26:11 says this: Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool, who repeats his folly.

I may be hard on myself here, but I might be a fool for continuing to be so involved with porn throughout my life.

As I've said, I don't actively go to sites like pornhub or webcam sites like I used to.

However, I do get urges, and I am tempted.

As I write this, I am realizing I should take my sexual energy and use that to pursue a woman.

But...

Where do I find a woman?

I have used Hinge, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, and other dating websites like Tinder.

In my opinion, they suck.

All of them.

Am I reduced to choosing a woman by swiping right or left?

I wouldn't like it.

I have swiped so many times without reading their profiles.

How can I read them when I am not guarantee they'll respond to my swipe?

It's stupid.

I could go to the bar, but I have found that only a few women hang out there.

I think my safest place is church; however, as a person who grew up in church culture, I've found it to be very awkward.

When I was 16, I read two books that shaped my view of relationships: Joshua Harris's I Kiss Dating Goodbye and the same author's Boy Meets Girl.

My fantasy for a relationship was to court a girl.

I would ask her parents if I could be her partner and establish a healthy relationship.

Excuse my French, but those two books were full of shit.

Joshua Harris even denounced them and stopped selling them.

He apologized for creating a toxic dating culture within the church.

The damage was done, and the seed was planted.

I embodied his relationship principles, which have taken years to unlearn.

As I wrap this up, I want to say that sex is good in a committed relationship.

Also, my urges that I have are good.

There's nothing wrong with me or you for having sexual urges.

We must find a way to redirect that energy and not act out on it.

I am not sure about you, but I am convicted by what Jesus taught about adultery.

I have strived all of my life to submit to what Jesus taught.

A Jewish man told me I was a Tzaddik a few years ago.

A Tzaddik is a righteous person in the Jewish community.

Since that day, that has stuck with me.

The only reason I am righteous and able to choose the right path is because of Jesus and His atonement on the cross.

His Spirit guides me and directs my path.

Psalms 103:12 says this:

As far as the East is from the West, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

I have been taught that as I confess my sins to God, He forgives them as far as the East is from the West.

He removes the transgressions from me.

Because of Christ's blood, I am white as snow.

I no longer have to use porn or lust to ease my pain or trauma.

Matthew 7:14 says this:

The gate is narrow, and the way is hard, which leads to life, and those who find it are few.

As I embrace my sexuality and even celebrate it, I give my steps to God as He guides me to my partner.

I hope she appreciates the effort I have put into healing my skewed perspective of sex.

My hope is we have a rich sex life, and we become intimate.

My gift to her is my virginity.

Even more than that, it's my emotions as they have become more mature over the years.

I don't want to be like my Father or my brothers.

I don't want to suppress my emotions and become callous.

Anyway, that's all I have.

It's been good to write this out and process my thoughts.

What do you think?