Resting in the Shadow of Wisdom

A look at the vapor of our existence through Ecclesiastes.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work, thought, knowledge, or wisdom in Sheol to which you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10

These Verses from Ecclesiastes have been a source of comfort and guidance for me in my journey with mental health. They remind me to remember my Creator, especially in the difficult times when I struggle to find pleasure in life. 

Ecclesiastes 12:1

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man."

Ecclesiastes 12:13

Ecclesiastes is a book for the skeptic and those aware of our existence's realities.

I love this book because it's real, and I can relate to the author's view of this world.

As someone who grapples with the weight of depression and the highs of elevated moods, I've often found myself echoing the sentiment that life is but a fleeting vanity.

If you've ever felt this way, know you're not alone.

Life is a striving of the wind, a puff of smoke.

The book is depressing.

Yet, amidst its stark realism, the book offers a beacon of hope.

Which is to fear God and keep His commands, which is man's duty.

A fool and a wise person have something in common: they will both die.

A man and a beast have the same fate: they will both die.

The people who surrounded me in my youth, my father and mother, had an air of Wisdom about them, and they passed that down to me.

I have been taught to fear God and walk obediently before Him and man.

Have I been successful?

Only some of the time.

I have done things I regretted and said things outside of my character.

I'm sure I will continue like this till the day I die.

As flawed as I am, I strive to walk in the obedience of my Creator.

I get up again and repent and acknowledge my sins before Him.

Despite my flaws, my heart desires to walk in the path of Wisdom.

I want Wisdom to make her home with me.

These posts I write are like bottles of notes in the sea because one day, a day which I do not know, I will not have the comprehension of my existence.

I have a real biological disorder that distorts the reality of my life.

I may go mad again and do things outside of character and will.

I pray that God spares me in those moments.

Like Solomon, I have experienced periods of madness. These were times when my mind was clouded, and I struggled to distinguish reality from delusion. It was a terrifying experience that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

"And I applied my heart to know Wisdom and madness and folly. I perceived that this also is but a striving after wind."

Ecclesiastes 1:17

We have returned from madness, only to know that God has kept us.

Mania and psychosis are two realms of darkness that I wish no one or myself enter into.

However, I have a higher likelihood of entering into that realm again.

I write clearly now, but I might not have this ability in the future, so I write with all my heart.

My biggest fear is losing my voice, not in a literal sense, but in the sense of losing the ability to articulate my feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

It's a fear that often haunts me, especially during episodes of mania and psychosis.

Today, I ask God to guide my steps and allow me to walk each step in the way of clarity.

I don't know if I would glorify God if I didn't have a disorder.

I'd probably be an arrogant atheist.

Denying my Creator even though it is evident that an Intelligence has created me.

Because of my disorder, I can revere and respect Him.

I don't know why I have Schizoaffective Disorder or wonder why I was born into Christianity.

However, this is my path.

Through Christ's work on the cross, I've found a beacon of hope in my struggles.

I aim to be a beacon for those in similar positions, to inspire and uplift them through the hope that faith provides.

Maybe this is why God allowed me to have this condition.

It is to point back to Him.

All I ask whoever is reading this is not to let go of me.

Hold on to me, and don't let go.

I have a fragile mind that may break again.

I wish I were strong, but I am weak, and my life is fleeting.

Maybe acknowledging my weakness makes me strong. I share this vulnerability with you to foster a sense of connection and empathy.

Maybe acknowledging my weakness makes me strong.

But the fact remains I have a lifelong disorder that may impact my direction in life.

A question comes to mind: how will I be remembered?

I write so people can see my thought process and judge the character of my words.

As I continue to the Musing From Beyond the Grave, I hope to solidify my soul into the ether.

I am a survivor of my illness, and I am here to point back to the One who spared my life.

You may not be dealing or suffering with an illness like me.

However, you and I face the same path, and we will die.

I believe our thoughts, actions, integrity, convictions, and intent all have a weight on this scale we call life.

What we do and do not do matters.

When I was younger, I was ambitious, thinking I could save the world.

I now realize I can be a light to people's darkness and hope for those struggling.

By writing and expressing myself, I can shift the perspective and narrative of somebody's mind.

That is my hope.

I hope you were encouraged by today's post.

I pray that He finds you and you come to the knowledge of Christ, who loves and cares about you.

Your friend and brother,

Barnaby