Still a Virgin at 34: My Evolving Vow of Purity

A look into my soul and the convictions that are there.

A couple of months ago, I made a vow of chastity and purity.

It’s interesting how that decision changed the way I see the world.

Suddenly, the women I had chemistry with began to feel distant, not because the connection wasn’t there, but because I had chosen a life of solidarity.

Or so I thought.

The truth is, I took the vow because I had given up.

I’m 34 years old, and I’m still a virgin.

I know the road of chasing lust doesn't end well, and I am in the process of healing from a deep addiction to porn from my childhood.

By God's grace, I don't practice pornography anymore.

At the same time, I desire to be with a woman and share that intimacy with each other.

I want to honor my body before God and man to celebrate a healthy sexuality.

I realized that sex isn't everything, and I don't want to put it on a pedestal and worship it.

Some would say we are sexual beings, and we should not shame that aspect of ourselves.

One of the many things I have learned from my battle with lust is that it's like an all-consuming fire, and it's never enough.

I always want more, and I always want to chase the next woman.

When I practice self-control, that practice of chasing subsides and disappears.

All I want to do is honor myself and God with my body.

I have come to realize that exploiting my sexual desires through pornography isn't satisfying.

I also foresee it not satisfying my future partner if I am always chasing a fantasy rather than building a sense of trust.

If you feel pornography builds your sense of self and relationship, then so be it; keep practicing it.

At the same time, I know that not having self-control opens up the gate of shame and guilt.

Which I am well aware of.

I think it's impossible to serve two masters like purity and lust.

My goal is to be as congruent as possible with my faith in all aspects of my life.

Lust and purity are important, but how about my pride and view of people?

Christianity is no small act.

It requires you to examine all aspects of your life.

"Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried."

~Gilbert K. Chesterton

It's crucial to remember that this journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth is unique to each individual.

What works for one person may not resonate with another.

The important aspect is the intention behind one's actions and pursuing a life that aligns with personal values and beliefs.

The ongoing internal dialogue and self-examination are essential tools for navigating these complexities.

It is not just about adhering to a specific set of rules but rather about developing character and cultivating genuine integrity.

I don't claim to have all the answers.

I'm still working this out, stumbling, getting up, and learning what it means to live with integrity in a world that constantly pulls us in the opposite direction.

But I know this: I want my life to reflect something deeper than impulse.

I want to live in a way that honors not only my faith but also the people I encounter, the future partner I hope to meet, and the God who never gave up on me.

This vow may evolve, but the heart behind it remains the same: to be whole, honest, and walk in truth, even when it's difficult.