The Day I Walked Away

Today, around 11, I was at fault for a car accident in West Haven. As you can see, I was hit by a car on the driver's side attempting an illegal U-turn.

Nobody was injured, but the damage is done.

Now, let’s get down to where I am at currently, and I mean spiritually. I had a good day with Lyft. I made some money, and everything was going to plan.

I was a few dollars away from paying my phone bill.

Then I got into this accident, which was totally my fault.

So, I sucked it up and took responsibility for the accident. But this is where it gets interesting.

I was going to go play Dungeons and Dragons tonight in Branford. If I didn’t get into an accident. I would have done that.

Given that it’s Wednesday, typically there’s church at Cornerstone. Now, my mom and Josiah go to Cornerstone. And I decided that it’d be best to go.

I would have gone to play a game, but because of this accident, I was kind of given an option to only go to Cornerstone.

So I went.

I was greeted and hugged. I shared what happened. A group of four men prayed over me.

Now I’m currently agnostic. I am open to the idea of a change. Today, it seems like my orientation towards faith and the Gospel is beginning to unfold.

I don’t understand prayer, the devil, hell, God, or the resurrection. And, I’m open to the fact that I don’t understand.

However, I know what Proverbs 3:5-6 says. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path smooth.

Today, I’m trusting. I’m not going to lean on the psychology, the neuroscience, and my own understanding. I’m acknowledging Him. And I’m going to have faith that He will make my path smooth.

I’m currently reading Cold-Case Christianity by J. Warner Wallace.

It’s about a converted atheist who is a detective investigating proving the validity of the Gospels.

So far, I’m 100 pages into it, and it’s making a good case for the Gospels, the resurrection, and Christianity, saying the claims are true.

It seems like even though the car is most likely totaled, something is pursuing me.

Something allowed me to walk away from the accident today without injury, something led me to church tonight, and people prayed for me.

Now, I may not understand Christianity, but I understand love, and when it’s shown to me.

The likelihood of me becoming a Christian is high.

In fact, writing this now, I’m going to admit that I submit to Jesus.

Not because I want Him to fix the problems that I have, which He can do, but because I survived today again. Again, 5 years ago, I should have died by suicide.

I was lost in the woods and blind. I could have been arrested during my manic and psychotic episodes, and yet something kept me.

Yes, the something I am referring to is God.

God is the orienting and orchestrating my life.

He has since I was a child. I had a phonological disorder, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t hear, and I couldn’t speak well.

I got lost in Harlem in my early teens, I was assaulted in high school, I had a nervous breakdown after coming from Haiti, my parents divorced, we lost our house to foreclosure, I was kicked out of school, I was diagnosed as bipolar, I was assaulted at Central State hospital, I lost a tooth, I survived a night in the woods without glasses after walking for miles and hours, and I survived a suicide attempt.

I say all that because I want to point out how God has kept me. I was treated for the speech disorder, I was treated for the bipolar, I recovered from Haiti, and the assaults. I became the Highest Achiever in Samange, and I built an outbound program without a degree.

My friend in North Carolina gave me $9,000 to pay down my debt. I paid down my debt after being awared $20,000. When I was in Virginia and got assaulted in the hospital, my friend got me a place to live at his home and gave me $3,000 to stabilize me.

Now, we could say I’m just lucky. But I’m not. It’s clear God is working through my life.

I was rediagnosed as Schizoaffective when I was 30. I was given the proper treatment.

I have my intelligence, I’m competent, and I was able to reduce my credit card debt.

I guess what I want to truly say tonight I may not understand everything, but I’m alive. I’ve decided that I’m going to follow Jesus. I don’t understand Him, and I don’t understand his love through people who call themselves Christians.

But I guess I don’t have to understand.

Maybe it’s about faith at this point. If people who have shown me love call themselves Christian, then I want to show love to my enemies and my neighbors in the name of Christ.

So tonight, I’m going to follow Jesus. I don’t need to say a prayer of salvation or get baptized again.

However, I do want to share the orientation of Christ's love with you and others.

Today was a wake-up call.

One day we will be judged, and I want to hear well-done my good and faithful servant.

So Rachel, if you’re reading this. You won. To the people praying for me and laboring with my doubts, you won.

God is real, at least for what I've seen Him in my life. I think I’d be a fool to walk away and continue in my agnosticism.

Anyway, thanks for the prayers and for reading.

Whoever you are who was praying for me, you were right. I was going to come back to faith.

Thank you.

~Barnaby