The reality of having a mental illness

My heart as I come face to face of the fact my brain will atrophy.

Let’s take a moment to celebrate that I am here, aware, and writing about this topic.

The topic of brain deterioration due to having Schizoaffective Disorder.

Based on the research, I have a higher likelihood of my brain decaying at a faster rate compared to someone who doesn’t have this disorder.

I’m writing this to remind myself that I was present at one point, which slowed the process down.

There are two paths that I can go down.

A fork in the road.

One path leads to numerous psychoses in which I lose control of reality, and I can’t comply with normal social patterns.

If I go down this path, there is more of a likelihood that I’ll be less present in writing and motivation, and so on.

Oh, and my brain decays. Let’s look at what happens.

If my condition (schizoaffective disorder) is left untreated, the illness itself can cause:

• Gray matter loss (especially in the frontal lobe, temporal lobe, and hippocampus)

• Neuroinflammation

• Worsening cognitive function over time

• Increased risk of psychosis-related brain damage from episodes, stress, and lack of sleep

The longer severe episodes go unmanaged, the more structural and functional changes can occur.

The other path is complying with taking my medication.

It’s not perfect, but it does or could prevent neurodecay.

My understanding is that I still have a chance of a reduction in grey matter even if I take the medication.

Am I shit out of luck?

Not quite, I have determined it is better to take the medication to prevent psychosis and mania.

I need to work out, get proper sleep, and maintain a good and positive social circle.

Even if my brain deteriorates a bit, there is still neuroplasticity and neurogenesis.

I need to become more aware and make a tremendous effort in maintaining my cognitive health.

I teared up a bit as I learned about my reality with this condition that I am carrying.

I worked so hard to be intelligent, and my brain is working against me.

It seems cruel that all my efforts to become aware and have intelligence go down the drain as I am battling a mental condition.

Hold my tears, I don’t want this condition.

I hate what it turns me into.

You know how embarrassing it is to read your psychotic comments and how much you make a fool of yourself when you are crazy?

I don’t want to paint this picture, but it seems accurate.

I am a ticking time bomb.

Why?

Say I don’t feel like taking my medications, and I want to free my mind.

Well, there goes my brain.

I know you’re probably thinking, Barnaby, just take the damn medication.

I will, it just sucks man.

Anyway, that’s it for this post.

If you pray, please keep me in your prayers.

Thanks for reading.