The Resurrection of Christ

You are loved

If you had asked me, I’d be up at 2 am writing about Christianity and understanding the core message of it, then I would have questioned my entire point of why I lean more agnostic than Christian.

The last ten years, I’ve been on a journey of understanding my faith, or the lack of it.

As for me, it seems like one of the ways that God, the Universe, or Jesus speaks to me is through my dreams.

I tend to have vivid dreams that allow me to analyze and understand what my mind is processing.

Tonight, I had a dream that I got a new job. It was about selling and delivering goods to people’s homes.

My boss was a cool guy.

He told me he was a Christian. He was very passionate about it, too.

I told him I was a Christian, but I used to be agnostic because I simply did not know and didn’t claim to have certainty.

He went on telling me he was a Pastor, as well. I heard him preach, and one of his core messages was that I was loved.

Not only was I loved, but I had worth and value.

It didn’t matter about my past, it didn’t matter my unbelief, and it didn’t matter that I struggled with habits now.

All that could change because of Jesus and how he defeated death on the Cross.

Then I woke up.

I layed there wondering what the heck?

I wrote about me questioning the resurrection a couple of months ago. I moved towards being an agnostic. I thought people who proclaimed to be Christian were kind of crazy.

Here I am telling my boss in this dream that I was a Christian, but used to be an agnostic.

Anyway, I don’t understand it.

I don’t understand why we are here. I don’t understand our minds or even my mind.

5 years ago, I survived a suicide. 3 years ago, I lost my Dad. 2 years ago, I lost my sister to murder.

I was given a diagnosis according to the DSM-V that can and should be debilitating. I tried going on Social Security Disability, but the judge denied me.

I tried to escape my life by suicide because of the pain I had felt. I tried walking away from it all by going homeless and abandoning everything, but I realized there was nothing good about doing that.

I guess the reason why I feel so compelled to write tonight is that I want to let you know that you are loved.

I don’t understand why. I don’t understand what even compelled me to think it.

I guess the Bible answer is Jesus.

I’m trying to understand my faith. I’m trying to understand the culture of Christianity and the mechanism by which we try to live a life that honors Christ.

Jakob Wedesten on TikTok responded to a comment about how I’ve deconstructed and how hol’s made me.

It was cool because he has a following and a few viral videos, and very passionate about his orthodox belief.

Anyway, he mentioned how deconstruction can be a beautiful process.

It doesn’t have to be hollow. Because when you get to who Jesus was and is and what he did in his life and on the Cross.

You are left with an understanding that God sent his Son to rescue and reorient you to new life.

I like to think of it as a compass and a map that we are all born with. The compass and map give us a direction of where we are going, but ultimately, where it leads is not fulfilling.

Yet, Jesus comes and reorients that compass and updates our internal map to His likeness.

I don’t believe I am dead in sin or that I am evil.

If that were the case, then I wouldn’t be writing this or be concerned about my own salvation.

One of the reasons why I write is to prove to you and myself that I’m not sick. That I’m not mentally ill. That I can articulate my thoughts and reason like a normal human being.

Another reason why I write is to give a reminder that if I ever did lose my mind again, then I would have a reference to the clarity that I had in my life.

I survived suicide, I survived mania. I survived psychosis. My mind betrayed me. Yet I still stand and write tonight because I am loved, and no matter my past, today I am forgiven and given a new opportunity to change my life.

Life update: I quit my job at Mosaic as a Direct Support Professional. I was there for about ten months.

And everything was fine. It was just that I was burning out. And the thing that broke the camel’s back for me was that I had to deal with explosive poop from my client.

It was disgusting, and I questioned why I was in this industry.

Not that I couldn’t handle it. I did, and we worked it out, but it was one of those things where I genuinely didn’t want to be responsible for the lives of the population.

I served those with intellectual disabilities and autism. It was a great job because I was doing something that impacted people around me.

I enjoyed sales, and I’m going to get back to it, realizing that the healthcare field isn’t really a field I want to go into.

I think for me, when I came back from Haiti 18 years ago, I wanted to do something that was bigger than me and altruistic.

I concluded that nursing allowed me to do that.

However, I am a systems thinker, and I love solving problems.

I tried nursing, and if I tried hard enough, I could have done it, but it would have been fitting a square peg in a round hole.

Sales and communication come more naturally to me.

I enjoy the hunt and that opportunity to land a sale to hone my craft. I miss it.

Anyway, that’s where I’ve landed tonight. Thank you for coming along my journey and allowing me to showcase my mind and my faith.

I don’t know what it all means, but I do know that God loves us and has forgiven us through His Son, Christ.

Till next time, have a good night.