The Slow Unfolding
Just as a turtle retreats into its shell at the first sign of danger, we often hide our emotions to protect ourselves from the world.
I used to be bombastic in my teens and early twenties, but I became more reticent as I entered my thirties.
I hid away in my shell, not exploring the sea around me.
The world became scary, and it was hard to trust people.
Church was my refuge, but after a few traumatic events, it was hard to participate in the community.
I sought safety in church and mental hospitals, but they both let me down.
The shadows of those memories swallow me whole, engulfing me in a silent retreat.
What were these events?
As you may know from my other post, I was assaulted in 2019 at Central State Hospital in Virginia.
That made me retreat into my shell.
The next event was in 2020 with the Borden Ministry, an intentional community in New Haven that was associated with Trinity Baptist Church on State Street.
At first, I agreed with the mission and thought it was an incredible idea to reach out to the community.
But after an inner conflict, I felt the leadership lost sight of the mission.
It was socially stressful, and I was already fragile.
I stopped taking my medicine, which was a bad idea, and I became manic.
Being manic is never fun and could be traumatic.
Well, it's fun at the moment because you're completely delusional, but it's destructive after the fact.
I believe Bipolar Disorder is a social disorder.
You make fast friends and poor decisions.
That's what happened to me at the house I was living in.
I met Kraig in New Haven on the streets, and we got along.
We became instant buddies, and he hung out with me.
That night, we bought alcohol, which we were planning on drinking but never got to because my roommates called the cops on me for noise disturbance at 2:00 am.
I had a bunch of tools and splayed them out on the porch.
I thought making a fire in a crock pot was a good idea.
I was using power tools and banging my hammer.
The neighbors were yelling at us to stop.
The next thing I knew, cops surrounded the property.
I told them I was Bipolar, and they said that I needed to go to the hospital.
I was furious.
I complied, but I wasn't happy.
I got stabilized and was released, but the social atmosphere was different.
At that point, I was an outsider, and they wanted me to leave the ministry.
I did, and I left the church that year.
In my opinion, the church is a joke, and I have lost all faith in it.
I wrote a pretty heated letter to the pastors expressing my concerns.
But it fell on deaf ears.
It's only been the past year that I've started coming out of my shell and exploring the world around me.
I tell you what: Writing has liberated my soul and unleashed my dormant creativity.
I want to inform you that the Borden Ministry did nothing wrong.
I was the problem, and I didn't fit into their community.
The same goes for Trinity Baptist Church.
We don't see eye to eye.
I attended that church for over ten years.
I'm a little bitter, but I'll be okay.
These days, I think that you don't need a church to experience God.
I think it's a waste of time and money to have a church, and we’d be better off without one.
That's my bitterness talking…
I'm trying to find a church, but I'm having trouble finding one.
It's all a production.
I feel like the sacred is lost.
I don't know, but I'm glad I am out of my shell.
Thanks for reading.