The Storm is Over and I’m at Bay

Years ago, I struggled to find my place in this world.

I was known as a leader, but I felt like an outsider.

My mind went into the void of madness as I carried this burden of a mental illness.

I couldn't control myself.

I had a deep, immense shame and guilt because of my disorder.

Deep pains for being different.

I hated my existence and wondered why I was set apart.

All I wanted was to be accepted and be like everyone else, yet I was bred to be like everyone else.

As I became an adult, my brain chemistry changed, and I couldn't control my moods.

One minute, I felt like I could rule the world, and the next, I would be in a deep depression.

Everything was dead to me.

This went on for years as I tried to manage my symptoms through medication.

I have been through a hell of a storm, and I thought I was okay at some points, but that was the eye of the storm.

I live with the burden of regret for the things I said on the internet and for the actions I made while manic.

I harmed myself, and I harmed others.

I became frustrated with the things I couldn't control.

I demanded absolution and control over my mind.

I needed to be perfect before man and God.

I carried the world on my shoulders.

Hypersensitivity was my way of viewing the world.

I wanted to save the world and create an everlasting peace.

My first mission trip to Mexico sparked the fire of a peaceful renegade.

My second mission trip to Haiti forever changed my life.

These two events are memories as they are lost to numbness and trying to get by.

Despite my illness and the inferno that engulfed me earlier in my life, I am a good person.

I want to improve and give back.

Many people believe in me and have invested in me.

A great crowd of extraordinary people surrounds me.

For now, the storm is over.

The voices left me, and I do not struggle with my existence of suicidal thoughts.

It's been years since I've experienced mania, and I'm thankful for that.

It’s been about a year since I have experienced depression.

I'm at bay.

The waves are tranquil, and I do not see or feel like a storm of that magnitude will occur again.

Thanks Tina Marsan for inspiring me today with this post.

I am forever grateful.