The Voices in my Head

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I have Schizophrenia.

I have always been high-functioning, and most people wouldn't know that I struggle with delusions or go into psychosis.

We all have an inner monologue, or most of us do.

I don’t have to hear external voices or see things that aren’t there.

But, I do have additional inner voices that are foreign to me and my system.

I’m not sure how the doctors knew I was schizophrenic because I thought it was my secret for my inner life.

My first experience of a voice other than my inner voice was as a child.

I had some entity tell me I should kill myself and that I didn’t belong.

As I got older and into my faith, I would hear the voice of the Holy Spirit loud and clear.

This voice was much more soft, and it complemented my faith.

Often, it would tell me what was right and wrong and who I should marry.

I developed another voice in my teens that appeared to be a force of darkness.

It would tell me to do bad things and speak down to me.

I thought it was all normal in my late teens and early twenties.

I ignored the voices as I got older and into the swing of things.

And, for a time, they weren’t there.

That was until the environment became unstable, causing a lot of stress.

The voices in my head came back in 2020.

I gave them names.

One was called Barncat, and the other was Lucifer.

Barncat was playful, used reason, and would play off of Lucifer.

While Lucifer was a prankster, my inner system would be more chaotic.

I didn’t tell anyone about these voices except for a good friend.

After my suicide attempt, they changed my diagnosis to Schizoaffective and gave me an injection of Invega.

Invega changed my life, and I stopped hearing voices.

It is a powerful drug, and I’m thankful I’m on it.

I wonder where these voices come from.

Are they demons? Are they angels?

Why was I born this way?

I guess I'll never get a final answer.

I will speculate, though.

If you have any thoughts or questions, feel free to message me.

I am an open book. I welcome your support!

Thank you!