Turning around in my bed, wrapping myself up into a warm ball, taking deep breaths. I’m here again. The moment nobody sees, the moment when I am invisible to the world.
There have been many times in my life when I have stayed in bed. Today is one of them. In my mind, I have no choice but to press on, to have the courage to face the unknown, and to see how things will play out.
I recently got accepted to the M.A.T.C.H program in New Haven, which is a five-week manufacturing training program to get individuals into the industry. They have a 70% success rate in finding a job after the program, and they’ve been around for a few years.
I’m nervous because I have been here before, through the interview process, being accepted, and being given the job or program for the first day. I also got accepted into Gateway Community College for the Spring semester. I decided to study psychology.
Being in the position again of a new beginning. I almost feel like I will sabotage it and retreat to bed again. Wrapping myself under the blankets, never moving, hiding from the world.
I wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, I was a captain on the seas, venturing around the world to explore and discover treasure. Things started to slow down a bit when I started taking Invega five years ago.
I could be wrong, and this might be my narrative-making mind since I’ve fixated on how this drug affects me. Invega is cool, and I like it a lot. Before the injection, I struggled a lot with delusions and had an unending internal monolog of thoughts about killing myself.
It wasn’t always like that. In my twenties, I had a lot of energy, and I achieved a lot of things while having a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. The shot, though, is to treat schizoaffective disorder, and it does that by blocking parts of the D2 receptor in my mind.
So what happens to me? Well, the delusions go away and the voices telling me to kill myself go away, but I lose motivation, and the world becomes flat. The color I felt and experienced becomes grey and dull. The motivation to explore the world gets dialed back to zero.
My metabolism changes, and unfortunately, I’ve gained weight. I’m watching it now, and it’s stabilized, but in the last year I gained 20lbs. I lack the self-control to regulate my eating and have kept indulging myself with fast food.
No doubt if I had the money, I’d be more overweight now.
Not all of it is Invega’s fault when it comes to my weight. I played a huge role in eating unhealthy food too. But yeah, Invega is known for causing weight gain if you’re not disciplined like I was.
I listened to 4 books in the last week. Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and His Dark Materials trilogy, following Will and Lyra as they adventure together to save the multiverse.
I’m so glad I still have the mind to read and digest the books and have the attention span to listen to them. All 4 books gave me something to think about. Victor’s book allowed me to understand that it’s my attitude that’s the ultimate freedom in my life. Nobody can take that away, and it’s I alone to use it.
I can’t retreat. I can’t look back. I’ve had fantastical moments, and then moments where I wished I wasn’t alive. But that’s a part of the story.
I don’t believe in God now, but that gives me the power to be my own character in The Book of Barnaby.
Today I unraveled myself from the warm ball of blankets and decided to write. Even though I think I could be a better writer. I enjoy it, and I hope to keep writing and not let my lack of motivation consume me.
Anyway, till next time!
~Barnaby