Waking Up from the Delusion
My Journey with Schizoaffective Disorder
I live with schizoaffective disorder. Without medication, my mind becomes delusional. I’m going to share something personal and something I haven’t really talked about.
In 2021, I was re-diagnosed as schizoaffective from bipolar disorder. I was unclear why the doctors had recategorized me, but last night it made complete sense.
As you’ve noticed, I’ve been deconstructing and reconstructing my faith through my posts.
I’ve talked about Christianity and Judaism and leaning more towards Judaism in practice than I do Christianity.
Which is fine. I have a deep respect for the Jewish people and their philosophy. But let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a Jew, nor do I intend to be one.
As I said, I wonder why doctors at the time thought I had a thought disorder and a mood disorder such as schizoaffective.
It makes sense now as I have been reflecting on everything, and it’s because I had a hyperfocus and delusion of Judaism, thinking I was chosen and that I was an actual Jew.
I was hospitalized twice in 2021. Once in May for a couple of weeks and the second in June after my suicide attempt.
The first visit was because I was manic and in active psychosis. I thought things like the Earth as an organism, and we are its cells.
I thought there was a second coming that I orchestrated and that my family was chosen to usher in a new age.
And then I thought I was a Jew because a Jewish supervisor told me I was a Tzadik back in 2018 when I was working as a garage door tech.
It got to my head, and I ran with it.
I believe I am a good person with flaws like thinking I am God or Christ or believing I can change people.
My point is this: when I was in a controlled environment in the hospital, I still exhibited delusional behaviors, and that’s why I was diagnosed with schizoaffective and it makes complete sense now.
It’s completely rare and uncommon that someone with my condition can rationalize and have insight into why they are delusional and why they have their diagnosis.
There’s a term called anosognosia, where it’s the inability neurologically to understand why a person has a condition.
For the mental illness community, it’s prevalent.
Anyway, that’s my heart and my insight that I recently discovered last night. It’s funny because I went out of my way wearing the Star of David, buying tzitzit, buying a yarmulke, buying a prayer shawl, and going kosher.
That was last year and this year too, so I still had the delusion even after being medicated.
I no longer practice those things, and I really don’t want to practice Judaism at all. But I recognized the obsession and the delusion.
I do want to get this off my chest, though.
I don’t believe I need a personal relationship with Jesus, nor do I believe in the New Testament. I don’t believe I have to worship Jesus as God, and I don’t believe in the Trinity.
So where does this lead me?
Should I believe there is no God and become an atheist?
Nope. I do believe in the Creator, and I do have direct access to Him. I don’t need a mediator to commune with Him.
I also believe in the Noahide principles.
These are not complex religious rituals; they are a bedrock of basic human morality and divine order.
Do not worship idols: (Acknowledge and worship only the One Supreme Creator).
Do not blaspheme: (Do not curse or desecrate the name of God).
Do not murder: (Respect human life as an image of God).
Do not steal: (Respect the property, rights, and livelihood of others).
Do not commit sexual immorality: (Maintain healthy, moral family structures and boundaries).
Do not eat flesh taken from a live animal: (Show compassion and avoid unnecessary cruelty to animals).
7. Establish courts of justice: (Build a fair, functional society that enforces moral law and protects the innocent).
I’m a non-Jew, and as I said, I don’t believe I have to convert to be in right standing before God or the community or to be a good person.
But that’s a little about me. I’m open to change, but the evidence about Jesus is pretty clear, and my new mindset makes logical sense, and I feel comfortable in my decision to walk away from Christianity.
Thanks for walking with me and witnessing my thoughts change over time. It’s been a pleasure to document all this.