Wandering

I don't like how my worth or value is manipulated in this day and age.

Lately, I've become more active on social media, and I want more feedback from my followers and friends.

I constantly check my social media to see if anyone responds, and I get disappointed when no one engages.

I don't get how the algorithm works.

What I don't want to happen is to become shallow to engage my audience.

I don't want my depth compromised because I'm not getting the attention or dopamine hits.

Do you struggle or feel that way?

Today, I also realized that I want to be beyond my bills.

I never want to think lowly of myself because I missed a payment or my credit score is low.

I am alive and worthy because I have air in my lungs and my heart beats.

It's amazing how enticing it is to become known and famous.

It's a trap and inflates the ego as if you're something better than everyone else.

Don't get me wrong; it feels good, but it's not going to last forever.

Today, we have a choice to take the next step.

We may not know where it leads, but at the same time, we step in faith.

I create for the sake of creating because I enjoy it.

I want to further my creative craft, whether that's creating videos, editing, or writing.

Not for the notification that somebody responded or liked a post.

Chasing that is meaningless.

I have been thinking a lot about my position in the world and what it all means.

I think about how God views me and how I respond to his grace.

If you're not sure of my story, one, I shouldn't be here, and two, I have lost my mind many times.

Today, I am able to articulate my thoughts and have a sound mind.

Now, I do sometimes wonder why.

Like, why am I here?

Why do I believe in Jesus?

Why do I go to church?

Why do I pray or read the Bible?

I am here because God wants me to be here.

If it were up to me, I would have preferred to be dead, and yet I am still alive.

I believe in Jesus, not because I grew up in Christianity.

Not because I was told to, but because I would not go to hell.

I believe because He loves me.

I can't explain it.

It's more than just an emotion or an intellectual thought.

As I observe my life up to the point of writing this post, God, the Universe, Jesus, whatever you want to call it, has been directing my life with a purpose AND providing for me in the biggest and smallest ways.

Now, I could deny God.

I could say religion is stupid, and there's no need for it because science answers our observations and questions.

However, the deepest part of me is compelled by Jesus's story in the Bible.

The history of the Old Testament and the parables of the New Testament allow me to take that next step of faith and believe in something bigger than myself.

I don't know where the hell I am going or what lies beyond the grave.

I do know that I have a responsibility to respond to Christ's narrative, question it, and scrutinize the whole story.

I think it's healthy to go through the doubts and unbelief and not have blind faith.

To question everything and reality itself, which I have done many times.

I am a man wandering the desert.

Wondering the meaning of everything.

Open to curiosity and enjoying the company of others.

Anyway, I wanted to get my thought out.

Maybe I am wrong and that's okay.

Maybe following Jesus is stupid or crazy.

Okay.

If you want to not believe in your life, so be it.

All I know is that as I've wandered, there has been a beacon of hope, and I feel love and have a place on this Earth.

Where are you at in this moment or where do you want to be?

Are you okay with yourself?