Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?”

- Jesus of Nazareth from Luke 6:46

The message from Jesus is pretty clear. Why do you call me Lord when you do not do what I say?

The verse came up recently after listening to a radical guy on the internet. He made a point with the verse, and I have to give it to him; he’s right.

It made me wonder what the hell I was living under the name Christian when I was in my twenties.

You may ask, but Barnaby, you decided to follow Christ when you were 22 and baptized. You believe in the reformed theology of Jesus and realized the Christianity you grew up in was not Christianity.

After processing it, the belief system I grew up in was more Christian than what I was told at 22.

I was more of a Christian in my teens than in my twenties.

I love my enemy, got hit in the face and turned the other cheek, I forgave, I served, I fed the hungry, and I loved my neighbor.

After my “conversion” when I was 22, I did the opposite and added drinking and getting drunk on alcohol, smoking cigarettes, actively watching porn, and was a workaholic. I was a glutton. I hated my sisters, my parents, my brothers, the doctors, and the church I grew up in.

I was deeply bitter and angry.

And you’re telling me that after I was 22, I was a Christian.

What a joke, there’s no way.

Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and do not do what I say?

I followed hedonism, nihilism, and fatalism. I mocked Christianity behind closed doors, and I hated my neighbor at church.

I was more of a Christian in my teens than I was in my twenties and even thirties.

Today, I am agnostic.

I can’t comfortably say I am a Christian and call Jesus Lord.

I wasn’t doing what he said, and I called him Lord, pretending I was following him.

Now, if you’re a Christian, keep pursuing Christ.

Jesus was radically different because he preached to care for the poor, to feed them, clothe them, and that the kingdom of God was theirs.

Behaviorally, I was more of a Christian when I went to Mexico and Haiti, when I turned the other cheek, when I took care of my body, when I waited until marriage, and so on.

I didn’t say to myself, " Self, you can do whatever you want, God’s sovereignty will guide you back to life. It doesn’t matter what you do. Get drunk, be bitter, withhold forgiveness, and so on. God will call those his own. If you really are chosen, He’d keep you.”

It was my selfless behavior that oriented me to be a Christian. When I became older, I became selfish.

Now, I reflect and regret how much time I wasted pursuing things that didn’t fill me.

I’d say now I’m agnostic because nothing in my life in my twenties reflected that of Christianity.

It was a mere label.

I still have questions about the resurrection, and I’m not sure if I believe it. My thing is, if I truly believe in the resurrection, then what does it do in my life?

Does it make me a better person? Does it modify my behaviors? Does it make me love people more? Does it allow me to sin less? Does it allow me to forgive more?

What exactly does it do?

By having a belief that a man miraculously rose from the dead.

That’s what I’m unsure about. Also, hear me out. Today’s teaching of Jesus is radically different from what was taught two thousand years ago!

I am opposed to modern Christianity, and yet I go to a modern church. Why?

One, I do want my mind to change.

I’m accepting that I may not be labeled-agnostic forever.

Two, I desperately need community. It’s too hard to live life on my own and be isolated. So I’m open to changing my orientation by going to church.

I want to love and feed the poor. I want to help those in need and remind them that the kingdom of God is theirs.

I want to practice forgiveness, and I want to return to an orientation of love.

I guess I say all that to get back to my roots when I was in my teens and open my heart back to the world and love and help the world.

With more discretion now and orient my life in love.

Anyway, I wanted to get this off my chest. I was talking aloud, processing this, and I was like I need to write about this, so here I am writing.

Next time, we’ll talk about Paul and how only 7 letters were actually written by him, and the other 6 were written by his followers.

Also, Paul didn’t convert to Christianity. He was very much a Jew.

:D

Stuff I’ve been thinking about, so we’ll talk more about that stuff next time.