Writing Prompt: What are you afraid of?
Death would be the standard answer to respond to this question.
The fear of the unknown is pretty chilling.
And I don’t feel that way.
Instead, it has to do with my condition.
I’m a high-functioning adult who lives with Schizoaffective disorder.
There is no manual on how I should live; there is only an opportunity to be successful.
This condition is severe and can be fatal.
How?
By succumbing to the suicidal thoughts and killing myself.
Three years ago, I almost killed myself.
I ingested a bottle of Lithium that nearly destroyed my kidneys.
By God's grace, He protected me from my impulsive decision.
I had no reason to be afraid of death.
I was ready for it, and I welcomed death.
I made a full recovery, and I have been piecing my life together.
I don’t struggle with suicidal thoughts, and that’s due to my medication.
I’m afraid of success.
I’m so scared of crashing down again from where I was.
I was highly successful ten years ago.
I fear the disappointment I face internally.
I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see if I’ll go into psychosis.
I’m afraid of losing my friends and reputation as a serious adult.
I’m afraid of losing my mind and saying and doing things that are out of character.
I’m afraid of losing control.
I live in the what-if, worrying that I will lose control.
The rational part of me says that won’t happen to me because I am medicated, and the doctors have a close watch on me.
But still, I was so traumatized that I felt hopeless.
It’s not true, and I can thrive in this condition.
It’s a wonder to me that people with my condition all believe in being Jesus Christ or some all-powerful being.
I find that interesting.
I certainly thought I was Jesus when I was younger and Lucifer as I got older.
Silly ideas rattle my head.
I know now that’s not the case.
In conclusion, I fear success, losing control, losing my friends and my reputation, losing my mind, and saying and doing things that are outside my character.
What are you afraid of?