The possibilities of who you are and what you are going to be are endless. Why?
We are imperfect. Grab perfect in your hands and throw it away from you as hard as you can.
Life tosses the freaking ball back. Oh yeah, life!? Is that game we're playing! Alright, get glove mitten on because we are going to exercise my pitch.
Perfect, imperfect, perfect, imperfect....
When I was in high I had a lot of amazing influences to help mold my mind. It was a community that helped me become who I am today. I don't like some of those people now as an adult, and that's okay.
It's my resolve to be better a more of a positive participant in any community I am apart of. The questions that swirl in my mind are:
How would I helped myself as a child today? How do I act as if.? As if I'm forgiven, compassionate, with joy, discerning, wise.
In the past, I've ranted about how all the adults in my life as a kid didn't affirm me. It hurt a lot and I have ruminated with anger the lack of awareness people had with me. I was hurting a lot as a kid and I was praised as being so mature for my age.
I was bleeding out and I needed someone's empathy bandage. It wasn't right I came back from Mexico and Haiti hysterically crying and falling into a deep depression. My world was filled with color to only be splash with grey. I wanted to save and I felt incapable of saving.
Bigger than that, I was scared out of my mind for my soul. The first manic episode happened the summer of 2008. I was pouring over Scripture to comfort me, I was confessing all the sins I was in, and I couldn't stop feeling a war for my soul. It was as if I was aware of Satan stalk me to devour me. It was common in the Cornerstone to share how Satan was trying to destroy us. We gave weekly reports on how the Devil tried steal our joy in some manner that week. As for myself experience, there wasn't peace or trust in the Gospel. No, it was complete spiritual mayhem. Lost in the swampy maze of Spiritual darkness.
Now, I have my opinion regarding Cornerstone and Alfred; however, it comes from an angry place. I pray they fear and honor God and change their mind when they examine their life as a community.
Reader, a lot of hurt came out of that place. And, a lot of beauty too. The biggest part of Christianity is the ability to fully forgive others and to reconcile with others. It's through Christ blood we are able to become to love our neighbor as ourself, and love Him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. It has taken a long time to realized that. Excuse me for a moment, reader.
Naomi, Isaiah, Ariella, and Justin. Forgive quickly and do not hold in anger. Take my life as an example and veer away from stowing bitterness. I love you guys and you reminded me how I need to get my own house in order to be there for you guys. Respect and honor your parents. Don't be afraid of being yourself. God is in control, guys. Take my life as an example of that. Through all of my adventures, He is faithful to provide and discipline out of love. When I do desire to do bad things, sin; I change my mind because of how much loves me and wants good for my life.
Got it, kiddos!? It's because of His love that I am whole and I am able to rest in His grace. His love is a fire hydrant to my thirsty soul. He pours himself out and refreshes me to live out my gifts and abilities for his glory. Make sense?
It's because of Him I am alive.
Okay, thanks reader. I had to get that off my chest. I got to see my nieces and nephews a few weeks ago. I freaking love them.
No matter what happens in this life, God is in control. He was in control for getting kicked out of Liberty, he was in control during my visits to the mental hospitals, he was in control in my anger and bitterness.
He is will be glorified. We are alive because of his patients and mercy so that we may find rest in our souls through the blood of Christ and by his Spirit to live a life of repentance.
January 22, 2020